Chapter 15: Guilty

After the day when Mrs. Cambri was killed, I'm so furious. I'm furious by the fact that I don't possess the ability to save her and his son from death. I feel so hopeless and weak. 

"AAAARRRGGHH!" I shouted while kicking my bed and throwing everything I can hold. I don't even know the things I'm throwing away; all the I know is that I need to release the anger I'm feeling right now. 

"D*mn it! D*mn it!" I shouted repeatedly. I almost bang my head to the walls because of frustration. I feel my hands getting numb but I can't stop. I can't control myself and it feels like I need to create more things that can hurt me. 

The sound of crashing glasses and falling books filled the entire room. My sight looks blurry, maybe because of the tears my eyes kept releasing for minutes. 

My feet...hurts? Or numb? I don't know. I can't even explain what I feel right now. I know that I have stepped on something, but I'm not aware what it is. 

The loud bang of an opening door's sound flows inside my ear, and that was followed by a lady's voice.

"Casy!" a voice from a lady shouted. "What comes in to you mind to do this?!" 

I open my eyes much more so that I can see who's talking in front of me. My sight still blurry but the sounds I can hear is slightly clear. Is it Dhaile? But no... the pitch of her voice is slightly high. It can't be Dhaile.

"Are you out of you mind, huh, Casy?" she asked again while holding my hands and trying to stand me up. She pulled me towards her with a small force, strong enough to signal that I should move forward. 

As I move my feet to walk, I asked her. "Who are you?" My voice sounds so weak, so as my personality. 

"You already forgot me, huh? It's Kate," she answered while helping me to walk.

"Why are you here?" I asked her again. However, she remained silent. She told me to sit on the high chair on my kitchen and then she went to the sink. I don't know what she's doing, but it looks like she's wetting something. 

"Do you have a first-aid kit here? Where is it?" she asked while walking towards my side. 

Because I only have a little strength left, I didn't bother talking and I just use my forefinger to point the black cabinet beside the refrigerator.

She walked to that way and get the kit inside. She cleaned me using the wet towel. Although it hurts, I just flinched a little and no words like "ouch" or "it hurts" came out my mouth.

"I noticed that you didn't went to school today. You're students are waiting for you. While Dhaile,Unah, and I are eating, one of your students asked us where you are. They said they're going to pass the summary of their works," she stopped for a while to clean my feet.

"Omg. Gross. How can you not feel any pain? Look! Your feet have lots of broken glass," she commented. I didn't answer her for I, myself don't even know that I've already stepped on a glass. 

"I asked Dhaile why you are absent. She said that maybe you're not feeling well, since...you know. About your student," she stopped and couldn't explain the words that she wants to say.

"About Cambri? Is that what you wanna say?" I asked. Well, it's obvious that's the one she wants to say. I just want to make it clear. 

"Yeah."

After that, silence was between the two of us. No one dare to talk while she's treating my wounds. 

She's almost done when she cut the deafening silence. 

"You know that you can talk to me when you're not feeling well. You can dump...no. Dump is not the right word. You can share your problems to me. With that way, your hard feelings will be lessen, atleast," she said while looking in my eyes. 

I took out a deep breath. Maybe, nothing will lose if I will share my problems, right? Maybe, I don't need to hurt myself just to release my anger? Maybe, communication is what I needed?

"I feel weak," I started. "What kind of teacher am I? I can't even protect my students."

"You are a great teacher. Besides, our job is to teach the children. Our job is to teach them the things that they don't know about the world. It's not our job to be their savior," she explained, clearly not getting my point. 

"No. We, as teachers, are tasked to protect our students no matter what happen. Look, whenever there's an earthquake drill, what does they say? Teachers must let their students went out first and assure that no one will be left. Protect the students, in other words. Now tell me, isn't it our job to protect those children?" 

Kate let out a sigh. She closed her eyes and looked at me again.

"Casy, what happened to Cambri is already outside the school premises. We are just tasked to protect them when they are in school or any place connected to school," she said.

"No. You don't understand," I said firmly. "This will not go to anywhere. Please leave."

"I won't. I won't until you already woke up from your nightmare."

I looked at her with a confused face. "Nightmare?"

"Yes. I know that you feel guilty about what happened to Cambri, but wake up! It's not your fault, okay? It's not your fault! Stop blaming yourself because the problem isn't you. It is the insane system of it country," she shouted at my face, trying to convince me. 

"I know what you're going to say, and let me answer that for you. You already did so much to save them. Okay? Stop thinking about it. Just pray for their souls and wish that they're already in a good place."

At last, I burst. Tears keep on falling and my heart feels heavy. Kate hugged me and tried to shush me by tapping my back.

"Mourn for now, and fight tomorrow," her sweet voice comes again as she kissed my cheeks that's been a road of tears.