LOGINTheodore I’m honestly surprised that I can still walk. But it must be the hate and desperation because the pain in my limbs and my heart would be too much to have my body functioning otherwise. I was prepared to feel bad because I had never loved someone as much as I love him, so I figured that this time, my heartbreak would crush me. But what I feel is devastatingly worse than any pain I have ever felt. I haven’t talked to Nathanael since I asked him to make me an offer, and I ignored him as much as I could while he kept scurrying around me constantly. He even continued to cook for me, serving me abundant meals, and I was so angry because that’s not what our deal was. Still, he refused to make a move to drink from me, turning paler and looking heartbreakingly sick, while I couldn’t eat much with my closed stomach anyway. That way, it just looked like I was being mean and wanted to reject his cooking, too. Taking a deep breath, I catapult myself to the present. My heart
TheodoreI got another room at first.But after having an ugly cry, curled up on the bed and throwing up several times, I got up and asked the hotel to arrange for a water plane to get me back to the next airport.Like the peasant that I am, and am supposed to be, I booked an economy seat on the next flight and passed the next hours waiting to board it with red and swollen eyes.I can’t remember ever having felt sick while traveling, but by the time I arrive back in New York, I feel like I was put into a washing machine in the highest spinning cycle.My head is turning, my throat burning, and I can’t wait to crash.“Fuck,” I breathe out, halting in
TheodoreHe scrunches up his face, obviously offended by my exaggerated comment about his age. “Theo, I…”“Just shut it. I’ll take a small hotel room, and you can call me up when you need your dose. Otherwise, you don’t have to do anything with me. I’ll stay out of your way.”His lips twitch, his face falling, seeming more and more desperate.And I hate it.“That’s not what I want…”“I don’t fucking care what you want, you jerk,” I shout at him.“Theodore, I can’t…”
Theodore“Whynot?”Angerbubblesupmythroat,mywordsjustburstingoutofme.Helowershisgaze,scratchingthebackofhisneck.“Ican’tdecideitalone.Youhavetounderstandthatitiscomplicated.”“Youkeeprepeatingthat.”Isitupwhilehestepsbacktotheendofthebed.Heremainssilent,causingmetogetmoreandmoreanxious,feelingbilerisinginmythroat.“Whatdoyoumeanby‘youcan’tdecideitalone’?”Ifinallydare&
TheodoreI don’t even know how I survived it. It felt like a nightmare, and I must have dissociated big time. But the moment I wake up to the sun shining into the room and the singing of birds, I feel incredibly light. Due to my distressed state of mind, I don’t remember much of what happened, but I keep having flashbacks. Luckily, the most recurring one is Nathanael screaming at me that he loves me through the drizzle. Where were we anyway? Did that really happen? Pushing out a sigh, I snuggle closer against Nathanael’s chest. His fingers continue to caress my back, causing tingles to roll up and down my spine. Despite managing to hold him back from making a blood bath, I got him to bring me to the Maldives, and I can honestly say that I’m in paradise. “Did you sleep well?” he asks me, his tone making the question seem awfully distant. I yawn, nodding, and he chuckles. “I’m glad. You lost a lot of sleep because of your family. I was starting to get worried.” “Says the man w
Nathanael“Where have you been?” I’m met with big puppy eyes as soon as I get back to our hotel room. “Out. How are you feeling?” “Out? Out where?” He asks, agitated, shifting on the bed to crawl to the edge of it. I shrug, standing next to the bed to put my index beneath his chin and grab it with my thumb. “How are you feeling?” I ask again, tilting my head. “I’m fine.” He pouts, sliding out of my hold to get back under the bedsheets. Watching him, I close my eyes, searching for our connection and finding his walls still up. “Doesn’t seem like it.” “I can’t help it. It has always been bad,” he sighs, passing his hands through his hair. “But having you with me…Witnessing it…Must be the worst.” He crosses his arms, avoiding my gaze as he sits against the headboard, and I get onto the bed, caging him in by putting my hands next to his thighs. “Do you regret that I came here with you?” “No.” Shaking his head, he flashes me a sad smile before turning his head away from me once aga







