CHAPTER 7

Kate's  POV

"What do you want, Kate?"

The phone had been answered by the same icy voice I hadn't heard for a long time , but I couldn't blame him. Not for it, at least. Everything that had transpired had left me no right to expect anything else, and I was the one who had ruined it.

"We need to talk," I told him, my voice trembling somewhat, though I fought to stand firm. "It's important."

There was a silence, and I knew he was thinking things over. I could practically hear him pacing back and forth, his mind racing with the permutations of what I might possibly want, of what I was after his time.

Finally, he spoke, his tone tougher than I remembered. "You've got one shot, Kate. What's this all about?"

I swallowed hard, the weight of my decision against me. It was stupid of me to reach out to him, but I was desperate. The last two years of my life had been full of errors, and now I was at the edge, ready to fall off the cliff. Unless I could find a way to balance myself.

“I'm not asking for anything. I just….I need to explain myself. About everything.”

He laughed. “Explain? After all these years, you want to explain? You had your chance, Kate. You made your choices.”

The rage that had been so much a part of his voice stirred something in me, but I pushed it down. I knew where it had come from. It was the same place it had always come from—jealousy. He had never forgotten that I had left him, that I had chosen his best friend and not him. And now, fifteen years later, that jealousy still existed, festering like an open wound.

“I never meant for things to happen the way they do ,” I explained to him, “But you have to understand. It wasn't about him. It wasn't even about you.”

“Don't make this sound like it wasn’t your fault, Kate.”  he said, his voice laced with anger 

“You broke up with me for him. You wrecked us. You don't get to come back and play this like some kind of tragedy."

"I didn't—" My air was cut off for a moment. "It wasn't like that.  I—"

"Oh, don't you even dare lie to me." His voice was climbing now, the anger intensifying into something nasty. "You left me for him, Kate. And now you're trying to stir up old things like you didn't destroy everything. Like you didn't destroy me."

I caught a stab of pain in the chest, one of guilt and regret wrapped inextricably together. I knew that he was right, and the outrage in his tone made chills run through my veins. But I could not let go. I could not turn back now that I had gone this far.

“I did not leave you for him,”I said quietly. “I left because I was fleeing from everything and everyone. I was not ready for what we had. I was not ready for anything. But I am now. You have to hear me.".

There was a silence, I could almost listen to his mind, the fury building, the walls he had built up all these years.

“You think I'm stupid, don't you?” He snapped at last, his voice low and threatening. “You think after everything you put me through, after everything you did. that I'm just going to listen to you and forgive you? I loved you, Kate. And you—"

“Stop it”  I cut him off before he could continue. “You loved me? You believed I didn't know that? You believed I didn't reciprocate those feelings? But you never allowed me in. You kept me at arm's length. You always had to be in control. I wanted more, and I couldn't get it from you."

Then, he paused. A harsh breathing on his side. “I tried, Kate. God, I tried. But you always were so goddamn selfish. Always so bloody interested in what you wanted.”

I let out a sigh, putting my fingers against my temples as I fought the sudden onset of tears. “ I know I was selfish. And I apologize. But you don't understand. It had nothing to do with you or him. It was… it was about me, about everything I was too scared to face."

He laughed bitterly, “It has always been about you, hasn't it? 

I winced at his tone, the sour sting of truth cutting deeper than I was willing to admit. “Perhaps it has,” I panted. “But there's something I have to tell you about him."

He knew who I was talking about, and with the way he reacted, I knew I shouldn't have talked about him. 

“Don't you dare talk about him” he said, with so much venom in his voice, “Don't you dare bring him into this. This is just between us. You're not going to make him accountable for your mess, Kate. Don't even think about it."

"But I—"

“No,” he growled, cutting me off again. "I'm not hearing this. Not now. Not ever. If you have to talk about him, you can do it alone.”

I felt my stomach turn over, the seriousness of the conversation is more than I could deal with now. The bitterness, the jealousy. all those years old and still in there, eating at him just below the surface.

“Baby, please,” I begged, “I didn't mean to hurt you. I just.. I just want you to know what went on. I will try to do what's right for myself. For us.”

There was a long silence again, and when he finally said something, his voice was tense and low, barely a whisper. “You can't fix this, Kate. You can't fix us. It's over. It's been over for a long time."

His words hurt. I'd known it, I suppose, but hearing him tell me so out loud. it was like watching all the things I'd been hanging on to, all the hope that maybe, just perhaps, there was hope for us getting back together, come crashing down.

“Goodbye, Kate," he whispered, before attempting to hang up.

I stood there, phone in my hand, the sting of his words sinking into the pit of my stomach. I had come to him seeking answers, seeking closure, and all I had done was reopen wounds that would never close. And now, all I had left was the hollow sound of my own regret.

“Wait, please don't hang up on me, Just give me a chance. Please meet me at our usual spot, let's discuss this privately…please.”

“Fine, I will be there in 20 minutes and you better have a good explanation to all this.”

“Thank you”

********

“Kate, you have 5 minutes to explain yourself, or else I'm out of here.”

I walked up to him, and crashed my lips on his, my lips moved slowly with passion. 

I could feel the hunger and desperation in his kiss, as if  he was trying to say something to me through the kiss….words only I could understand. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in closer to deepen the kiss. I slid my hands Into his soft hair and he moaned Into mouth, giving me a wet spot below, but suddenly he grabbed my shoulder And pulled away from me.

“We need to stop, I can't continue doing this with you Kate. Not after you lied to me.”

I can see how hard he's controlling himself, he wants me but he tells himself otherwise. 

“And I said I'm sorry, why can't we just put the past behind us and focus on what we have now.” 

“It's not that easy Kate. You left me, and you think you can just walk your way back into my life, just like dat?

This is proving harder than I thought but I don't plan on giving up any chance I have at mending things between us. 

I moved closer to him. “Tell me how I can fix this, tell me what I can do to make it up to you.”

“Just give me time, OK? I need space to think about everything.”

“Alright, You know where to find me when you are ready to talk.” He nodded, walking towards the exit but just as he was about to leave I called him back, 

“Jayden,” he turned around and I could see the pain in his eyes,  “I'm sorry.”