Chapter 5

Noah

The only subject for argument over these past months between us has been my refusal to visit a psychiatrist and Ella forcing me into it. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to ask for. What I needed to get peace. I wasn’t satisfied with my life. Even though I had a reason to. I could just ignore everything. And focus on my family. My wife. My future children. I didn’t know how to tell about my feelings. Feelings about Jenny luring me to meet everyone. But I hated it when she says that. I wanted to forget that I was the reason they died. I remember how she said to me that if mom knew she would be very disappointed. It was a mistake. Just a mistake. That cost me everything. And cost them their lives. I wiped my tears. 

My head rested on a squashy grey pillow while my eyes gazed out of the glass window at a lonely nightingale perched on a branch of the tree. Its head turned towards me; eyes set on mine. A moment later it cruised through the air scanning the ground below.

My brain kept turning over the pages of souvenirs, countless thoughts whipped through my mind leaving the muscles of my forehead to tense up. The practicality of my thoughts vaporized some time ago yet my head churns on in the darkness like a runaway motor. I turned my head over to Ella; she was sound asleep. In the clearing, a grin of moonbeams arched across her dainty nose. This woman should be entitled to all the gifts and glees this world has to offer.

There had been nights when I could only fall asleep after staying up for several nights without consuming any stimulants. That was it, I had given up on forcing myself to sleep therefore I ran my fingers across the surface of the side table beside me to get some sleeping pills. I’ve always preferred taking Restoril as they not only help to fall asleep but also stay in the same state for as long as it is required.

I swallowed a pill without any water. What if you die in your sleep tonight? Dude shut up! How do you know that there are no dead souls lingering in the air? Pills won’t work if you don’t shut up. The last one, maybe there's a way you could contact Jenny? I mean people tell all kinds of stories about connecting to your twin. I strived to tackle my thoughts. My subconscious won’t shut up.

A sharp-witted beam fell on my eyelids, it wasn’t the moonbeams, it was intense enough to make me believe that the sun had come out to play. Is it dawn already? I had just zoned out. My eyelids parted; light dwindled. The sky was still dark. Ella wasn’t sleeping beside me, perhaps she had gone to the bathroom. I laid drowsily in my bed waiting for her to come back.

Fifteen minutes had passed, and pessimism began to cross my mind. I got up and wended my way to the bathroom, the door was partially closed on pushing it open my sight fell on the bathtub quarter of it filled with water, I scanned across all four corners, but she wasn’t there. Where was Ella? Admit it Noah She was exhausted of you and your messed-up life. Shut up! Not the time.

“Ella?”

I wandered through the hallway peeking into the rooms through partly opened doors.

“Ella? Answer me!” My voice got louder.

I made my way down the stairs and switched on the lights in the living room. The main door was locked from the inside just the way I do, and a portable door lock was installed with a motion detector fitted into the wall beside the door frame.

“Ella? This is not funny. Please!”

Maybe I was dreaming, maybe Jenny is yet to appear. Okay … it’s fine … it’s totally fine, she will … call my name, wake me up. Ella will call my name.

I whispered to myself, “Ella will call my name … she will call me back. She will yank me out of here … calm down. Sit and wait. Sit … and … wait.”

I collapsed into the couch behind me, felt like an eternity what had passed. Jenny hadn’t appeared yet; Ella wasn’t calling me either. My mouth dried up, heart leaped into my throat, freezing beads of sweat rushed down my neck, spine crept up, muscles in my stomach clenched, ears anxiously wanting to hear Ella but the only voice I heard was: this is real, you’re not dreaming. I thwacked my cheeks, endeavoring to escape the nerve-wracking terror.

I mumbled, “Wake up … Noah … wake up …”

Ella Is gone. No … no … no. I got to my feet and lingered in circles around the couch, my mind recalled that sharp beam of light that woke me up. I advanced towards the main door and tried to unbolt the lock with my trembling fingers. The absence of light and chilly blows of wind had an uneasy and creepy vibe to them. The water in the lake played no music, crickets were not chirping. That night did not seem normal, the deepest part of my heart still believed that I was hallucinating keeping me from the bitter reality.

I ran to my left into the woods the side that was visible from the window of our room.

“Ella!”

My throat closed up.

“Ella! This is not funny, please.”

Tears welled up in my eyes.

“Ella it’s not safe for you! ”

A ball of despair hit me.  

“Ella don't do this to me, please! I won't last a day without you. Ella! I love you! I will do whatever you ask for!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Lost. Is what I will be without her. My wife probably needs me. She might be in danger. Maybe she went for a walk. And got lost. Or maybe she left. She must be tired of my messed-up life. She was pretty and had a life ahead. I didn’t. I was just surviving. I never wanted to leave this place. Maybe she did. I tried to stop every thought.

Searching eagerly through the forest bush after bush I tripped on a rock, welled up tears finally dripped on the dried leaves. Muscles in my body were paralyzed, head spun violently leaving me jammed to the ground. My heart pounded as if it would burst open any second, nerves swelled up. I laid like a lifeless body, arms and legs stretched out, and the right side of my face rested over the dehydrated leaves. Soon the view before my eyes gradually blurred.