Evergreen

The wind tore at my skin and my hair as I ran; my feet hitting the ground, a definite purpose in each of my steps.

The sound of my shoes hitting the path was methodical and repetitive, one foot after the other again and again.

I could feel the blood rushing through my veins and tears stinging my eyes, my heart pumping for the rhythm of my footsteps.

I heard him calling my name, his voice a mere echo in the dense forest, but I ignored him.

I knew what I had done.

"Luna! Luna, stop!"

My breathing was heavy from both exertion and emotion, trying to make myself stop crying.

Stop crying. Stop crying! You don't deserve to cry.

My name rang through the woods, his voice becoming strained and feeble as he called for me again and again.

I could tell he was getting tired.

He was a fast runner, and he had stamina, but I was faster. I had more stamina and I had adrenaline exploding in me like a nuclear bomb.

"Luna, for the last time." I heard his footsteps stop. He was too winded to go on. I didn't stop.

I felt the small shrubs brush against my ankles as I ran off the path, straight into the thick timberland where the trees grew so close together their leaves obstructed the sky from view.

"Luna."

His voice was quieter now, but still able to be heard in the static forest. I could hear his tired breaths as he tried to steady them.

I still did not stop running, and then I felt a knot in my abdomen; a side stitch that sent a shockwave of pain through me.

I stopped myself, leaning on the nearest tree, trying to catch my breath through the sobs that still tore through me and the exhaustion the running had brought to my body.

My leg muscles ached and my lungs burned, and the forest blurred around me. I heard him begin to walk again, taking slow steps toward me.

I turned away from him, not wanting him to look at me.

Not after what I had just done. I did not deserve his eyes upon me. I did not deserve anything.

"Luna."

He stopped close to me, his voice gentle. He did not reach out to try to touch me or comfort me. He simply stood there, watching me.

The pain in my side began to wear off and my brain was able to focus on the scenery around me again.

My breathing slowed gradually, tears drying on my cheeks.

"You should get away from me," I said to him, my voice hoarse from screaming. "You should get as far as you can"

He didn't answer me. I could tell he wanted me to look at him, but I wouldn't.

I stared at the forest floor, at my worn tennis shoes and the small plant underfoot that I had trampled in my run. I stepped off of the plant, placing my foot on the dirt beside it.

"Did you hear me?" I asked, still staring at the squashed plant. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes."

I felt more tears well up in my eyes and reached up to wipe them. He caught my wrist.

"Look at me, Luna."

"Don't touch me," I whispered, trying to pull my arm away.

He didn't let go.

"Look at me."

I shut my eyes for a few moments, shaking my head.

A breeze blew through the woods softly.

I opened my eyes and forced myself to look up at him. His brow was furrowed, his lips set in a frown.

His eyes that matched the color of tree bark stared at me intensely, his dark hair being ruffled by the breeze ever so slightly. He met my eyes, searching in them.

"You really did it, didn't you?" Eric said, his voice coming out in an exhale. "You weren't lying."

"Yes," I admitted, fresh tears falling down my cheeks without consent. Stop crying. Stop crying!

He reached up to catch my tears with his thumb, but flinched away from him. He retracted his touch, letting go of my wrist with his other hand as well.

"What made you stop running?" He asked.

"A side stitch"

His jaw tensed. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head at him, blinking my tears out of my eyes. "You're asking about the muscle cramp, of all things?"

"I meant in general."

I stepped away from him. I wanted to run again. I wanted to run until my heart couldn't pump any more blood and it burst. I wanted to run until I couldn't feel my legs and shoes were worn through.

I would have been happy to die right there, in the soft moss of the forest floor.

"I don't deserve to live," I said to speak my thoughts.

"You did what you had to. You didn't have a choice."

"There is always a choice," I said fiercely, taking another step away from him.

Eric didn't try to step toward me as I moved further from him. He simply stood, hands by his sides, ready to pick up the pieces for me like every other time I had broken.

This time is different.

This time the pieces cannot be reassembled.

This time there is no use in him even trying.

I turned away from him, leaning back on the tree beside me. "It should have been me," I said.

"But it wasn't"

I looked back over my shoulder. "Stop coming to my defense" I said. "I don't deserve any sympathy. You don't want to give me any, either. I can see it in your eyes."

"You're not even looking into my eyes, Luna."

He was the same as he always was-calm, steady, always knowing what to say. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved him. — I did not deserve him-not then, not ever. I never would.

"You should go" I said again, looking back down at the ground. "Go home."

"Not without you."

"Yes, without me," I said.

"Go home, please, Eric, go home."

"You'll get through this. I'll help you. Everything will be okay," he tried to reason with me.

I shook my head, closing my eyes. "No. It won't. Just…go." My voice broke on the last word, my throat stinging from yelling earlier.

I felt all the energy and adrenaline I had acquired begin to wear off, leaving me lethargic and downright exhausted.

"If I leave you here, you'll never come back," Eric said.  "You'll run off, forever."

"Why is that a bad thing?"

"Look at me"

I stared at the rough bark of the tree ahead of me, not blinking. I watched a little beetle scuttle through the cracks in the bark, scurrying here and there with its tiny legs.

I could not look at Eric. I had already let myself look upon him once, and it was all I would allow myself.

I knew if I stayed around him long enough, he'd successfully persuade me to come home.

"Look at me, Luna," he said more forcefully. "Look into my eyes."

"I can't," I said. "You need to go home"

"I'm not going anywhere… I've got all day." Eric cleared his throat. "We can stand here for hours, you and me, or we can sit here until you decide what you want to do."

"No matter how worthless you think you are, or what actions you take…Luna, you and I are a team. I'm not letting you break that promise no matter what happens."

"When I made that promise I didn't know I would-"

"Stop. Stop trying to make an excuse. You can go home and break all your grandmother's china and every piece of glass in the goddamn house, but I will not let you break your promise to me."

I finally looked at him, locking my glaze with his. He stared at me with the same intensity as before, his expression grim.

He stepped towards me, reaching out and wiping his thumb across my cheek to rid it of tears. I shut my eyes but didn't flinch away.

"You can't possibly still love me," I breathed.

"Yes I can. A mistake can't make me unlove you." 

"I made a mistake that can't be undone. It's final. I just destroyed something that can't be put back together. I destroyed everything. You need to understand that." 

"I do understand"

"If you did you'd be miles away from me."

I opened my eyes, searching his. His gaze did not waver — it was strong. Just like he was and how I was not.

"Let's go home," he said.

"No! I can't go back to that place."

"We can go to my house, then." He tries to reason with me.

"No Eric, I can't. I need to get out of this town"

"Fine, then. Let's leave town"

I stepped away from him again. "This is going to catch up to me one day, and when it does, I can't drag you down with me. I've done that enough."

"Yeah? What about Nova? You're going to run away from her too?" He crossed his arms over his chest, knowing his argument had won.

"She'll hate me once she finds out," I said. "Everyone will."

"Fine," he said, uncrossing his arms, his eyes locking on mine. "What about me then?"

For the first time I heard his tone weaken. He sounded worried and careful. I had never heard him sound like that before. I had never heard him speak in any way that wasn't absolutely filled with strength.

I looked up at the tree canopy above, the jade foliage blocking out the afternoon sun. I couldn't look at him.

"I love you too much to bring you down with me."

His mouth opened to speak my name, but I was already running again.

Footsteps purposeful and thumping through the mossy forest floor. Fresh tears burned my eyes again and I hated myself for it.

I hated myself in general, for everything I had just done and for everything I had just said.

I just needed to keep running until I had no breath, and Eric needed to stay away from me.

I could not engulf him into the vortex of consequences I knew were coming for me. — I could not keep my promise to him. 

I heard him shout my name, but he didn't chase after me again. He knew what decision I had made.

He knew I was a coward.

So I kept running, until I knew I would tire and crumble in upon myself, and I would lie on the soft soil at the foot of an evergreen tree until I would pick myself up and run again.