Chapter 9 – No Going Back

The yard felt all of a sudden. It was like the fences were closing in on us Damon and me. Damon let go of me. His arms just dropped to his sides. It looked like it hurt him to stop touching me. His hands were shaking a little like he did not know what to do with them if they were not on me.

I took a step back so I could breathe without tasting his mouth. My lips were swollen and sore like someone had hit me. My whole body was buzzing, like I had touched a wire. It felt of good which was really annoying. I did not like that I liked it. I hated Damon for making me feel that way.

He cleared his throat loud in the quiet like he was embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair making it stick up more. "Again " he said, his voice still rough. "Try to shift push harder this time do not stop when it hurts."

I almost laughed in his face. "You think I stopped because I was bored?" I asked him. Damon looked at me. I saw something dark and messy in his eyes. "I think you are still holding back " he said. "We do not have time for that."

Damon was right. The people who were coming for me were not going to wait while I figured out my feelings. They had killed my mom and dad. They would come for me next. If I did not get my act together we would all be in trouble.

I nodded at Damon. "Okay lets do it again." I closed my eyes. Tried to ignore how close Damon was, his smell all around me his boots scraping the dirt. I reached inside myself past the spots past the scared voice whispering that I would break if I tried too hard. I went to the angry center where my wolf lived.

My wolf answered, tapping her claws like she had been waiting forever. Heat slammed into me my bones grinding and popping my skin stretching tight. My eyes burned gold, sharper my teeth getting longer my claws sliding out, black and sharp.

White light poured out of me not a bit but a lot, spilling down my arms up my neck across my chest. It hurt, like fire crawling under my skin like my body was being ripped apart and stitched back together at the time. It also felt right like I had been holding my breath for a time and finally let it out.

Damon sucked in air hard. "Shit " he said. I opened my eyes. The light bounced off his face making his pupils weird and glowing. He was frozen, staring at me like he was seeing me for the time.

"Keep going " he said, his voice cracked. I pushed harder the binding screaming, my parents old magic tearing like stitches being pulled out. Something gave, not everything, but enough. The light flared, hot and for a second I felt my wolf furious, mine.

Then the binding snapped back. Pain exploded behind my eyes. I lurched forward my vision going black at the edges. Damon was on me instantly his hands on my shoulders holding me steady. "Easy breathe just breathe " he said.

I gasped, blood dripping from my palms onto the dirt. The light winked out. My wolf pulled back whining low, exhausted, sore. Damon stared at my hands his jaw clenched tight. "You are bleeding " he said.

"It is fine " I said. "It is not fine " he said, grabbing my wrists gentler than I expected. He turned my palms up and blood smeared across his fingers. He swore under his breath. "You pushed hard."

"You told me to " I said. "I did not tell you to hurt yourself " he said, his thumb brushing one of the cuts smearing the blood. His touch was careful. It made my chest feel weird.

I pulled my hands back. "I am not made of glass Damon " I said. His eyes snapped up to mine. "I know you are not but you are not invincible either Isla " he said.

We just stood there staring at each other the yard except for our breathing. The bond between us hummed, quieter now but heavier like it had grown roots.

He let go of my wrists. Stepped back. "We need to wrap those cuts and you need to rest " he said. "I am fine " I said. "Shut up and let me take care of it " he said, rough. With a worry underneath.

I opened my mouth to argue then I just nodded. He walked me inside not touching me but close, like a shadow. Up in his room he grabbed a rag and a bowl of water. Made me sit on the edge of his bed. The sheets smelled like him, pine, smoke, sleep. It made my head spin.

He knelt in front of me took one of my hands and dipped the cloth in the water. He wiped the blood away slow and careful like he was scared of breaking me. I watched his face his brows pinched together his jaw working like he was chewing on words he did not want to say.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, my voice small. He did not look up. "Because you are bleeding " he said. "That is not what I mean " I said.

He paused, the cloth hovering over my palm. Then he let out a breath. "Because I am so tired of watching you hurt for this pack for me and pretending it does not kill me every time " he said.

My throat closed up tight. "It never mattered before " I said. His eyes lifted to mine, dark, raw tired. "It always mattered I was just too scared to say it " he said.

The words hung there heavy, ugly true. I did not know what to say so I just did not say anything. He finished cleaning the cuts wrapped strips around my palms and tied them off. His fingers stayed on the knots longer than they needed to.

When he was done he just stayed kneeling looking up at me like he was waiting for me to tell him to get out. I reached out. Touched his cheek rough stubble scratching my fingers. He closed his eyes for a second leaned into my hand like he was starving for it.

"I hate you " I whispered. "I know " he said, his voice low and wrecked. "I hate myself too."

Then he stood up pulled me up with him and did not let go of my hands. "We keep going tomorrow " he said. "But tonight you sleep here in the bed not that cot." I looked at the cot looked at his bed looked at him. "Okay " I said.

He nodded once sharp like we had just made a deal. We did not talk anymore did not need to. He blew out the lantern and the room went dark except for the moonlight sneaking through the curtains.

I climbed into his bed the sheets against my skin. He got in after me not touching, but close, close I could feel his heat hear his breathing slow down. My wolf finally settled, warm quiet safe. For the time in ten years I did not feel like I was drowning all by myself.

That scared me because if I let Damon in if I let this little crack turn, into a door I might never be able to shut it again. Maybe maybe I did not want to shut it. Not anymore.