Chapter 4

Everything feels surreal. My kids and noah playing under the sun feel so complete. I know it’s wrong to lie but my children’s smiles are priceless. Buong Pamilya. Ito yung bagay na alam kong hindi ko maibibigay sa kanila. Ever since they were born, yan na ang nasa isip ko. Like what would they feel if makikita nila ang ibang pamilya na buo at masaya. Wala namang magulang ang naghahangad ng isang magulong pamilya. I never dreamed of a broken family. I was longing for my dad when he died in a car accident when I was 7 years old. I can barely remember his face. lagi syang wala sa bahay pati si mom. Lagging si manang delia ang kasama ko sa tuwing may event sa school. But whenever dad is at home, he always makes sure to spend time with me. kasama ako sa car accident and I have selective amnesia na until now hindi parin bumabalik ang iba kong ala-ala.

“hon, I want you to meet my parents formally as my girlfriend”

“don’t you think it’s too early for that? I mean, I don’t know hon. Masyadong mabilis “ I said while staring at my kids playing in the sand. Narinig ko ang buntong hininga nya at bigla naman akong naguilty.

“alright, I understand. Let’s take things slow and I’ll wait for you to be ready”

Pangapat na araw na naming dito sa resort. Last day na bukas. Hindi ko alam kung naguiguilty ba ako dahil binigyan ko ng chance si noah pero alam naman nyang wala akong balak to engage with someone romantically. I just couldn’t trust men anymore.

Pagkatapos maglaro ng mga bata ay dumiretso kami sa isang kainan para kumain ng halo-halo. Masayang kumakain ang mga bata ng biglang may pamilyar na boses ang tumawag sa pangalan ko.

“Mom?” I looked at her shocked. Nagpapalit palit naman ang tingin nya sa mga bata at sakin.

“w-what are you doing here?” she asked

“I’m on vacation mom” tipid kong sagot

“Who is she mom?” sander asked

“uhm-kids this is your lola, my mommy. and mom this is noah, my boyfriend” she gasped

“triplets?” I nodded

“tita you want to join us?” noah said while looking at my mom.

She nodded. She’s speechless. Alam kong hindi nya alam na triplets ang dinadala ko noon. The moment na nalaman nyang buntis ako ay itinakwil nya na ako. Hindi nya matanggap na nabuntis ako ng ibang lalaki. When everything was almost perfect but shit happened.

tahimik lang akong kumakain habang ang mga bata naman ay kinikilala ang kanilang lola.

Kita ko ang saya sa mata ng mga bata habang nakikipag usap sa kanilang lola. Alam kong nangungulila ang mga bata sa kumpletong pamilya. Isang pamilya na masaya at maayos. Ngunit masakit bilang ina nil ana hindi ko maibibigay yun.

“what are you doing here mom?” I asked out of nowhere. Hindi ako galit sakanya bagkus nararamdaman ko ay lungkot.

“I’m here for some business matters. Can we talk later?” i nodded

“yes mom”

Tahimik na ulit kaming kumain at ang mga bata naman ay nagrereklamo  ng masakit na ang paa. Kaya’t napagdesisyunan naming bumalik na sa hotel room. Tahimik namang sumama si mom habang pinagmamasdan ang mga bata.

“kids, magpahinga muna kayo tapos maligo na okay? Daddy noah will play with you. I’ll talk  with your lola muna okay? Hon ikaw na muna bahala sakanila” they all nodded. They went to their room at naiwan naman kami ni mom dito sa sala.

“come back xandra” agad na bungad nya

“why?” hindi ako makapaniwala na sa kabila ng mga nangyari yan agad  ang unang lalabas sa bibig nya.

“it’s time. Bumalik ka na sa bahay. Kailangan ng mga bata  ng maayos na tirahan at magbabantay sa kanila.

“no mom. I can manage on my own now. Remember the time na tinakwil  moa ko? Kung kalian kailangan ko ang kalinga ng isang ina kung kalian kailangan ko ang gabay mo ay itinakwil moa ko at hinusgahan ang pagkatao ko? Hinding hindi ako babalik sayo. “ I said. I saw pain I her eyes ut no, I’m not going to fall for that. I’m mad.

“I understand xandra. But I want to know my grandchildren. I want to spoil them.” Nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kirot sa narinig ko. Pakiramdam ko napakasama kong anak dahil pinagkakait ko ang mga anak ko sa kanilang lola. Alam kong mali ang magtanim ng galit but I’m not fully healed of what happened 5 years ago. I’m not even readyto face her and yet this happened.

“no problem mom. I will give you our address mom and sometimes I’ll visit you. But I will never stay in that house again.”

“anytime na kumalma ka, bumalik ka lang. everyone is waiting for you. I will not force you but please consider it. para nalang sa ikabubuti ng mga bata.” She said teary eyed.

“no mom. My decision is final.” I said

“okay then, I have to go. “ sinamahan ko muna sya sa kwarto ng mga bata para makapagpaalam pero tulog na ang mga ito. Pati si noah nakatulog na din sa tabi ng mga bata. Hindi na namin sila ginising pa.

Pagkatapos umalis ni mom napaupo nalang ako sa sofa. Ramdam ko yung kaba, lungkot at panghihina ngayon. I never expected that we would meet each other like this.

She wanted a perfect daughter but when “that” happened, everything collapsed. My life changed in just a snap. I lost the only family I have – my mom.

I didn’t notice that I was crying until noah came and wipe away my tears. He hugged me as I cried on his shoulder. Aside from my bestfriends, noah is the one who never judged me, of my past. Everything is just too heavy for me to handle. I’m scared that my babies will know the truth of my past and I don’t want that to happen.

“shh, let it out hon. I’m here. You are not alone” he said while hugging me. I feel so weak and vulnerable right now.

“it hurts. Until now. I thought I can handle it just like before but I’m wrong. I’m still weak” he kissed my forehead and looked at me in the eyes.

“you’re a strong woman. Remember that always. Being vulnerable sometimes doesn’t make you weak. Okay? I’m always here for you and the kids. I’ll be your crying shoulder and a shoulder that you can lean on to. No matter how hard thins can get, I will always be here beside you. It’s okay to cry but don’t let it take over you. You have me and the kids okay?” he said and I hugged him tight. it feels so good to have someone beside you specially during the times you became so vulnerable.