LOGINJULIAN My heart stops, the question unexpectedly hitting me like a shot to the heart. He continues before I can speak, “Your whole life seems to revolve around him. It’s always Theo this, Theo that, whatever Theo wants. Have you ever done whatever you want? What makes you happy? Or do you not know what that is, either?” His words strike deep at a corner of my chest. My heart clenches and I bring a hand to my chest. He makes it sound so awful, like I don’t have a backbone. I’ve never really thought of it like that but is it really that bad? Do I really have no identity outside of Theo? It’s not true… right? A cold chill settles over me and I almost shiver. “If you think I’m so pathetic,” I say through clenched teeth, “then why are you still with me? Why haven’t you dumped me yet?” He sighs. “Because unfortunately for me, I find that side of you attractive. I like the fact that you’re selfless, that you’ll do anything for whoever you love.” He shakes his head, a look of disgu
JULIAN I narrow my eyes even as my heart flutters. It doesn’t matter what my dumb and traitorous heart feels. Thankfully, my brain is in charge now and it’s not as prone to making stupid decisions. “I can’t take accountability for something that isn’t my fault.” “Something that isn’t your fault?” he echoes in disbelief. “Let’s see here, you made the plan—” “I didn’t. Theo did.” My eyes widen as I realize what just came out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to throw Theo under the bus but I guess that’s what I just did. Nikolai doesn’t look surprised, which makes sense. If he truly heard everything that day just like he said he did, then he probably already knows. “Why?” “Why what?” I snap. I’m already tired of this back and forth. All I want to do is end this conversation, go back home and tell Theo it’s done, and then go back to my room, hugging my pillow while I feel sorry for myself. I just want to put this entire thing behind me. Is that too much to ask? “Why did you two tar
JULIANThe words taste like ash as they leave my mouth. For a moment, I consider taking them back but I tighten my resolve.This is what needs to be done. I’m doing the right thing.I might not have gone to the police but I’m not going to enter a relationship with a murderer.The silence lingers a bit longer this time after my words.When I finally chance a look at him, what I see on his face takes me by surprise.I expected him to react in a multitude of ways. Heck, I imagined multiple scenarios in my head last night before I fell asleep.Maybe he’ll be angry, maybe he’ll act betrayed, maybe he’ll throw things, maybe he’ll threaten to kill me.Or maybe he’ll do none of those things and just detach himself emotionally.But what I never expected him to do is smile.“The hell you are,” he says.His words almost make me choke on my own spit.“Excuse me?”He folds his arms again, the edges of his mouth ticking up.“So… I guess we’re at that stage of the plan, huh? Is it finally time for y
JULIANThere are a lot of exciting things to do on a beautiful Saturday morning.This isn’t one of them.I stand in front of Nikolai’s door, one finger in the air poised to ring the doorbell.Anyone that sees me now would think I’m frozen in place.I don’t know why I’m hesitating. Or why my stomach is churning violently, like I want to puke.The plan is simple. Go in there and break up with Nikolai.So why does it suddenly feel like the most difficult thing in the world?Maybe it’s because you don’t really want to, a voice whispers not so helpfully.I grit my teeth. It’s ridiculous. It doesn’t matter if I want to or not.It doesn’t even matter that I don’t find Nikolai as annoying as before. Or that I’m starting to like him.There’s no realistic scenario that can come out of this.It’s not like I can head off into the sunset and live happily ever after with a murderer.I shudder involuntarily.That’s why this needs to end. Not just for Theo’s sake, but because this is going exactly no
NIKOLAI“Has your boyfriend contacted you yet?” Caleb asks that Saturday morning as I enter the kitchen.I ignore him as I pass him by and head to the coffee machine.If I knew he was going to be in here, I wouldn’t have come.He scoffs. “Seriously? You’re giving me the silent treatment? If anyone has a right to be mad, shouldn’t it be me?”He points to his chin and I’m very satisfied to see that there is a bruise there, from where I punched him.It’s a shame, really, that it has already started fading.I don’t say a word, focusing my attention on the coffee maker as I press the brew button. It hums to life and a few seconds later, the first drops begin to fall, dark liquid dripping steadily into the glass pot below.The fresh scent of coffee fills the air, calming me a little.“I already made coffee for you, dumbass.” He points to the steaming mug sitting on the counter.I cast a disdainful glance at it. “No, thanks. Not interested. Who knows what you’ve put in it?”I know I’m being
JULIANMy heart stops. Of all the things I expected him to say, it isn’t that at all.I shouldn't be surprised. This has been in his head for a while. It was only a matter of time and yet…I should be jumping at the idea, especially after everything I just witnessed last night, but strangely, I find myself wishing I heard wrong.“What?” I choke out.Theo peeks at me. “You’re okay with that, right?”My mouth goes dry. How am I supposed to respond to that?No, I’m not okay with this despite the fact that he’s a murderous asshole. No, I still want to stay with him a little longer even though I should be running in the opposite direction, even though I should be ensuring he spends the rest of his life in jail.Yeah, I must be going out of my mind.The best thing to do is disentangle myself from that crazy guy, Nikolai.The thought makes my chest tighten.“Are you having second thoughts?” There’s an edge to Theo’s voice that makes my attention shift back to him.“N-no… of course not,” I s
JULIANThe words settle between us, heavy with something unspoken.It sounds like a warning. Or an invitation. I’m not sure which.I just know, even with my senses tingling, I still don’t step back. I don’t walk away like I should.Around us, the party is still going on, loud and messy. But at that
JULIANHe walks across the room like he owns it. Like everything around him bends to his will.People move out of his way wordlessly as he passes, as if under a spell, creating a space for him to walk freely.His eyes flick over my face as he approaches, slow and assessing, like he’s cataloguing so
NIKOLAII wrinkle my nose as I drag the body across the basement floor and onto the middle of the large nylon.Sweat rolls down my face, dripping onto the floor and my muscles strain from the effort.“I could use a little help here, Caleb,” I mutter to my annoying brother as he stands there and wat
JULIANI didn’t know love could ruin everything I cared about.Which is funny to me because I grew up never knowing the true meaning of love.To me, it was just a word I heard everywhere, a word people used freely but I never understood.No one ever used it for me and I never thought to use it for







