Chapter 1

God knows I already did my best to stop myself. This tiny control in my head has already reached its limit. My lips twitched and the veins of my neck turned evident.

I wasn't able to stop myself anymore. In front of her naturally friendly face, I raised my middle finger and clearly mouthed, "Fuck you."

Hindi siya nagulat. Isang buntonghininga na may kasamang ngiti ang kanyang pinakawalan. Sa kanya lang ako nakakakita ng ganyang klase ng reaksiyon. Natapos nang murahin at lahat-lahat ay nagagawa pa rin niyang ngumiti at manatiling kalmado.

"Ate, you know we can't fuck each other."

Mas lalo akong nainis sa naging tugon niya. "You're sick."

"Severely," Hyacinth replied. "But my condition may turn critical, I know what I'm saying. Our parents would not be pleased to see you—"

"Your parents," I cut her off.

"If I were you, I better leave," she continued like she didn't hear anything. "Baka kung ano na naman ang mangyari dito at madagdagan na naman ang galit nila sa'yo. I can now predict the possible outcomes of your presence. This is for your own sake, Ate."

Pagak akong tumawa, siniguro kong nakakainis iyon. "Wew, Hyacinth is playing like a saint. Should I praise you now?"

"Ate—"

"Oh, shut up. Since when did your opinion matter? I am already good at algorithm during those times that you still cry for a pacifier."

Nilampasan ko na siya at dumiretso na sa hagdanan. The sound of my stilletos every time they kiss the floor echo inside this oceanic mansion. I'm still in the midst of the staircase when a familiar irritating sound suddenly came to my senses—the arrival of my father and his new wife.

Nang huminto na ang tunog ng sasakyan sa may garahe ay dali-dali na akong umakyat papasok sa pinto ng aking kuwarto. Inilapag ko lahat ng bagahe ko sa tabi ng aking king-sized bed. I jumped into it, my body bounced due to my foamy mattress. What a feeling! Damang-dama ko ang pagod ko, physically and emotionally. Pakiramdam ko ay mangingisay ako nang wala sa oras kapag hindi ako makakapagpahinga.

Ang kaso, hindi rin nagtagal ay naistorbo na ang medyo nanahimik kong buhay. Saktong mahuhulog na ang talukap ng aking mata nang makarinig ako ng mga nag-uusap sa kabilang bahagi ng pintuan. Kusang umikot ang mata ko.

Let the showdown begin.

Kumatok sila. "Come in," I responded. I am not locking my room. No one dares to enter without my permission, anyway. Even my father is not allowed to do so and he is completely aware of that.

"Who gave you the audacity to enter the place where you're not welcome?" In his usual baritone voice, my father spoke.

"No one." I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm tired, you may now leave."

"At saan ka kumuha ng kapal ng mukha, Heather?"

Pilit sumilay ang matamis na ngiti sa aking labi, sinubukan ko itong minanipula upang hindi mahalata ang kusang pangangasim ng aking mukha.

I just arrived from abroad, and it's obvious that no one wants me to be home. Since things happened, nagbago na ang trato sa akin ni daddy. At mula rin noon ay nagsimula na akong magpanggap na wala akong pakialam.

But how can I just shrug these away? Fourteen years of existence, despite my attitude that they seem to hate, I was treated like a princess. Yet from my fifteenth birthday forward, everything turned upside down. Eight years, but why the fuck can't I move on?

"Heather Cassia, leave before I order the guards to drag you out."

Sumikip ang dibdib ko. Nilabanan ko ang pagkuyom ng aking kamao. Gusto kong suntukin si dad sa mukha, 'yung sobrang lakas at sobrang sakit, but that would be unfair. Physical pain can never be matched to the emotional pain he's giving me.

"Look, Dad." I sighed, smiles shallowly. "It's 8:00 in the evening. You can't just pull me out from here. Besides, you didn't implement a law that I am no longer acceptable here."

"Do I need to implement it? Your very righteous mind didn't get it?"

"Hmm, I have a lifetime being genius. Now is my day off."

Lalo pang sumeryoso ang mukha ni daddy sa pabalang kong sagot. "Hindi ako nakikipaglokohan sa'yo, Heather. Leave. Ngayon ay malinaw ko nang sasabihin. Hindi ka na p'wedeng pumasok sa bahay na ito."

Umangat ang gilid ng aking labi sa narinig. "Okay, hindi na ako papasok sa bahay na ito. But, hey, your rule only works if I am currently outside the house. Pero narito na ako sa loob, e. It means I can take my night here, unless I go out and you'll forbid me to come in. But don't you worry, tomorrow, you won't see even the shadow of my shadow."

"That's good." Biglang nagsalita ang mommy ni Hyacinth na kanina'y nananahimik sa gilid. "Hindi sa ipinagkakait sa iyo ang mansion. Para lamang ito sa kabutihan nating lahat."

Ramdam ko ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa aking mukha. My breathing went rugged. For me, she is invisible, until I heard her aggravating voice.

"Am I hearing my heels talking? Or it's the holy Mary who happened to be . . . " tiningnan ko siya, "you?"

"Heather," my father warned yet it didn't move me a bit.

"But though I don't read Bible religiously, I know that Mary wasn't a mistress, but you are." Sinamahan ko ng nakakainsultong pagtawa ang sinabi ko, tipong magpapantig ang kanyang tainga at mangangati ang kamay niya papunta sa aking pisngi.

"Heather!" Tumaas na ang boses ni daddy. How calming on my part.

"It's okay," the woman said, caressing my father's hand. Eww. "Hid, you know—"

"Heather," I corrected her. "Or Cassia. Only those who are close to my heart call me Hid. In your case, I don't know. But believe me if I tell you that I don't even know your name."

"Okay." Ngumiti na naman siya, parang hindi naapektuhan sa magaspang kong pananalita. "Heather, I don't care if you hate me or not. Call me names or tell me whatever you want. Pero maghihintay ako. Naniniwala ako na darating ang panahon na magiging maayos din tayo."

"Oh, don't wait!" natatawa pero naiinis na tugon ko. "Because that time will never come. It will never happen. At huwag ka nga'ng pabida. Totoong isa kang magaling na aktres dahil magaling kang magpanggap, pero huwag sa amin, huwag sa akin. Salot ka sa pelikula ng buhay ko. Buwisit ka po!"

"Ate, huwag namang ganyan," naiiyak na pigil sa akin ni Hyacinth.

Inilayo ko ang kamay kong hinawakan niya, nandidiri. "Huwag na kayong umastang santa, alam ko naman na kung gaano kayo ka-demonyo at kung gaano kayo kagaling sa pagsira ng buhay ko," puno ng poot kong pahayag.

"Heather, umalis ka na!" galit na utos sa akin ni daddy. "Ang lakas ng loob mong sabihin 'yan sa pamilya ko."

Pamilya ko. Wow. That made me chuckle. Hindi na niya ako pamilya ngayon. Thank you for informing me.

Kahit parang may bumabara sa lalamunan ko ay pinilit kong sumagot . . . ulit. "At ang lakas din naman ng loob ninyong paalisin ako sa mansion kung saan ang kalahati nito ay pagmamay-ari ng mommy ko? Kuwarto lang. Kuwarto ko lang ang kailangan ko, ipinagkakait n'yo pa. How dare you, Dad? Hindi ka na nahiyang nagdala ng dumi rito! Ah, dahil ba may pera sa basura? Ang kaso, wala nga iyang pera. Ano pang silbi niya?"

Napigtas na ang pasensiya ni daddy. Naramdaman ko na lang ang malakas na pagdapo ng matigas niyang palad sa pisngi ko.

Pero mistulang wala akong naramdaman. Nabingi lang ako. Nabingi ako sa sigaw ng puso at isip ko, sinasabing huwag ko nang ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa mundong walang puwang para sa'kin.

And yeah, it is the very first time that my father hurt me physically, but the nth time that he broke my heart.

Sinalubong ko ang mata niya gamit ang reaksiyong hindi pa niya nakikita mula sa'kin—sakit, poot, pagkadismaya. Ipinarating ko iyon sa kanya nang hindi nagsasalita. At sa kanyang mga mata nakita ko ang pagkabigla sa sariling kagagawan. Parang gusto niyang magsisi, humingi ng tawad, pero hindi ko iyon hinayaan.

Ngumiti ako at umiling. It says that whatever happened, happened. And no matter what we do, we are broken pieces that can't be fixed ever again, a scarred skin, a permanent carve in a huge ocean rock.

He got it. Nilunok niya ang anumang lalabas sana sa dila niya at piniling sabihin, "From this day forward, you're no longer a part of this household."

There. It happened. Is this the same outcome that Hyacinth has been seeing? Or just a fulfillment of the dream she and her mom had been dreaming?

Tumayo ako nang maayos, ngumiti nang matamis. "Music to my ears. Being a part of this family makes me cringe."

Tumalikod ako at kinuha ang mga maleta ko. I choose to leave not because they want me to, but because the idea that I don't belong here suffocates me. I love myself enough, running away from the world where I am not needed, never wanted, and will never be loved.

Pare-pareho kaming walang imik nang nilampasan ko sila. Pero bago ako tuluyang lumabas ng pinto ng kuwarto ay tinapunan ko muna sila ng tingin. I looked at them, full of wrath and disgust, then I left without a word.

9:00 in the evening and I, Heather Cassia Fucking Del Puerto, is walking under the streetlights along the empty highway. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. What I only ask right now is rest, but it's taken away.

And as soon as I planned to shout how unlucky I am, a black car stopped beside me. The window of the driver's seat moved down, revealing the face of the last person I want to see right now.

Siya lang naman ang rason kung bakit homeless ako ngayon. Ang rason kung bakit narito ako ngayon sa gilid ng kalsada, naglalakad habang suot ang mataas kong stiletto.

Deja vu. Fucking memory. This is how we met. Me, in a dark night, and him, in his dark yet sparkling eyes. How ironic could that be?

Kasabay ng paglabas niya ang biglang panlalabo ng paningin ko at matinding pagpitik ng aking sentido.

"Stubborn wife," I still heard him murmured. That's the last two words I heard before I lost my consciousness.