PTSD

Themes of abuse - Trigger Warning. 

Cora 

I run up the stairs to my apartment and quietly open the front door. The moment I see Amber curled up on the couch sleeping, I have the overwhelming urge to growl, but stifle it. Another thing that’s been happening lately is that I’ve become extremely possessive of my apartment and Eli. 

Anytime I smell the women’s scents in here, and especially on Eli, I have the overwhelming need to scent him and my area, and I have no idea why. All I know is that I need to replace their scents with mine. Don’t even get me started on what happens if anyone besides Eli enters my bedroom. 

Sure, I was protective, heck, borderline paranoid, about who was allowed to come into my apartment and who I exposed Eli to, but this is almost an untamed, feral type of possessiveness. 

‘That’s because it’s my den, and that’s my pup. I hate it when other people or their scents are in here. It’s MINE!’ Luna says with a possessive, low growl, feeling restless. 

See what I mean? I understood this when I was pregnant and when Elijah was a baby, and then Luna somewhat relaxed until about a year ago, not long after I turned 25. 

I’m still horrified that Luna and I almost killed Amber, all because she entered my bedroom to wake me up as I was having one of my nightmares, and I got a little loud. After that ‘episode,’ I just decided to sleep on the couch as I’ve learned Luna doesn’t wanna bite anyone's head off quite so much in the common areas. 

In all fairness, I can’t remember the last time I slept in my bedroom or slept in general without having nightmares—Gotta love having PTSD. Anyway, even though I hardly sleep because of all that, I think I will tonight. Thank Artemis for that, as I am exhausted.  

I walk over to the couch and gently nudge Amber to wake her up. She is a little startled until she sees that it is me. 

“Oh, hey.” She says with a yawn, rubbing her eyes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I know your wolf doesn’t like it, but it’s been a busy day, and your pup is one giant ball of energy.” She says sleepily, with a smile, as she stands up and stretches her arms out.

I glance at the clock and nod with half a smile. She does have a point. 

Luna may not like it, but Amber, Tess, and Angie greatly help me since I'm working two jobs and taking care of Elijah. Thankfully, they also understand Luna’s possessiveness, so they try to be careful and not enter my room unless necessary. 

But Elijah’s? Luna often goes over it with her scent—no way around that. 

“It’s alright, I get it, and I was late. Come on, get your butt to bed, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” I chuckle, lightly tapping her butt as she passes me, and she sleepily giggles. 

“Just to let you know, he went down late, so hopefully, you can sleep in a little tomorrow. I’m also dying to know what the fuck happened tonight.” She says, opening the door. 

I nod. “Thank you, and it was a fucking shit show,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Plus, I have some things to clear up with Tess,” I grumble. 

“Sounds like it." She says, yawning. She waves bye and leaves my apartment. I stand still, keeping my ears open, listening until I hear her enter her apartment. 

Luna immediately takes over and scents everything with Amber’s scent until she finally calms down, and I can finally check on Eli in peace. I open his door quietly and see him peacefully sleeping, with Luna grumbling again because she can smell Amber’s and Tess’s scents in his room. 

‘You can do that tomorrow. We are not risking waking our pup all because of your ridiculous need to scent everything. You did the living room, delaying us seeing him and our sleep.’ I scold her, but she still grumbles as she retreats to the back of my mind. 

I watch him sleep peacefully for a moment and feel a massive sense of relief knowing he’s safe. He’s so innocent, pure, and entirely blissfully unaware of the bullshit that exists in this world. 

Sometimes, it makes me sad because I was once like him, but that was stripped away from me when I realized that I had been lied to about almost everything my entire life. I will never forget the night after we escaped, when Gia told me why we couldn’t return to our mom and aunts, no, wait, correction, Stephanie, Theodora, and Melody, as I learned they weren’t my real family.

Turns out, I’m an orphan. I couldn’t believe it at first. 

However, the actual bomb came when Gia started rambling about us being Amazons. I laughed the first time I heard it, and she was horrified that I heard her. Eventually, she let the cat out of the bag and told me all she knew, which wasn’t much, as she was too young and, like me, only knew them and what she was taught. It took some convincing on my part until she mentioned that, as Amazons, we have abilities others don’t. For example, we can naturally conceal our scents, whereas other wolves can’t. 

The real kicker came when she mentioned that I couldn’t return because of some fucked up law involving boys. That is why I never returned home, as there was no way in hell I would let anyone take my pup from me.  

Over time, anger and resentment grew as I learned bits and pieces about shifters and pack life from Tess and the girls, realizing that my 'family' must have known, yet they never came for me or Gia. They left us to endure the fucking torture for years before I decided enough was enough and escaped. Ultimately, even Gia left me to fend for myself with a newborn pup to look after, as she couldn’t bear to look at him because he was a painful reminder. At least that's what she said in the note she left me the morning I woke up alone with a screaming baby. 

That’s when I realized I was and still am truly alone.

Eli’s soft snoring broke me out of my depressing thoughts. I took one last look at him and thanked the goddess that, despite the dark hair he obviously inherited from his sperm donor, he now looks like me, and hopefully, it stays that way. 

I closed his door, went to my room to get my pillow and cover from the bed, and then went to the couch. I got myself all nice and cozy, curled up, and the next thing I knew, the world fell away as my eyes closed. 

I suddenly woke up, and I was back in my old bedroom, curled in the fetal position on the floor, clutching my chest in agony, crying and heaving at the burning sensation I felt spreading through my chest and, more importantly, my heart. It feels like someone is stabbing my heart. 

What’s causing this? The moment I feel the pain subside, I cry from relief, only for it to start again within 10 minutes, and this routine carries on for the next seven hours.

I don’t understand what’s causing this pain. I need help! I have called and mind-linked Xander, but he’s not answering. I must have passed out from the pain because I woke up to the sound of a door opening and saw Xander walk in with a satisfied smirk. 

Why does he look like that?

“Well, aren’t you a pathetic sight for sore eyes?” He snorts, walking past me to the bathroom. 

I want to vomit from the stench that is coming off him. He smells of sex, other she-wolves, alcohol, and drugs, and it’s horrid. Why is he talking to me like this? And why does he smell like that? 

I bring my knees up and bury my face in them, sobbing. 

“Shut the fuck up bitch, I’ve had a long night, and the last thing I want to hear is you crying like a fucking baby.” He yells from the other side of the door, but I don’t stop. I can’t. 

Again why? I don’t understand what is going on with him. He wasn’t like this before he marked me. Next thing I know, I’m yanked up to my feet by my hair to see an angry, snarling Xander, and I let out a whimper. He’s scaring me. 

“I said shut the fuck up.” He backhands me hard, and I drop on the floor, holding onto my cheek, and I look back in shock and horror. He takes a few steps toward me, and I clumsily crawl away, shaking in fear, and the next thing I know, he kicks me in the ribs, and I cry out in pain. 

“One day, you will learn just to take it and stop being such a fucking crybaby cause, guess what, my useless little doll?” He says with a sadistic grin. “You’re mine to do whatever the fuck I want, and you can’t do anything about it, so do me a favor, shut up, and get into bed.” He orders, pointing to the bed.

“I still have one more load, and I want to unload in your tight little pussy. At least you have that going for you. Just be grateful I’m having a shower before I fuck you but keep crying like a little bitch, and I will make you lick the juices off my dick from the whores I fucked. So what's it going to be?” He says with a low, menacing growl near my ear, gripping my neck tightly. 

I stifle a sob by biting my lip hard and nod my head, unable to speak and holding back my vomit from the stench that’s coming off him. I most certainly don’t want to taste anything like that. I don’t even like putting his thingy in my mouth because every time I do, he hurts my throat.  

“Good little doll, I will be back in 5, and you better be in bed, naked and ready for me.” He says with a sinister chuckle and lets go of my neck. I instantly grab my neck and let out a shaky breath. 

I shakily get undressed and climb under the covers, trembling in fear, waiting for him. I was so caught up in my thoughts and fear that I didn’t even hear him coming back into the room. 

“Now, let’s get you knocked up with my heir.” He says with an evil glint, and I start trembling with each step he takes. The smell of my fear permeates the air, and I swear it makes his smile get even more feral, like he’s enjoying this reaction. 

He pulls the covers off me, bringing his nose near my neck, and licks it. He runs his tongue down my chest, and I close my eyes, willing myself to stop shaking. All of a sudden, I hear a ferocious, murderous growl, and my eyes snap open.

“What the fuck is this? You’re fucking pregnant?! How is that fucking possible?! I only marked you a week ago!” He snarls, sniffing my stomach, and I howl out of pain, clutching my stomach. Did he just punch me in the….? 

“I don’t know. Luna only realized yesterday, and we were going to tell you last night, but you weren’t here, and then I was in pain.” I say, whimpering through my tears, and he kicks me in the side, making me fall out of bed. Luna and I are howling in pain. 

“Shut the fuck up, and you will be in pain until that thing is gone and you are carrying my heir. Girls are fucking useless.” He snarls as he attacks my body with his fists and kicks. I try to shield my stomach as much as possible, but it’s useless. I eventually passed out from the beating. 

I jolted up in a panic, sweat dripping all over my body, heaving while clutching my neck and stomach. I quickly look around, and once I realize I am in my apartment, not back in that hellhole, I sigh heavily in relief. 

Thank Artemis.

I bury my face in my hands and will myself not to cry. They always feel so fucking real, and I always end up so angry with myself for wanting to cry, angry at my fucking PTSD, angry at Xander, at my mother, fuck, everyone who has lied and manipulated me. 

I try to count to 20 and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, but instead, I start quietly sobbing at the next memory that flashes through my mind of the pack doctor confirming that I had lost my pup. 

My first pup, my little girl, and Luna start her painful howling in the back of my mind.

I felt arms coming around me, and I shrieked in fear, only to hear Tess and Angela shushing me and whispering, ‘It’s okay, you're safe’ repeatedly. I fell to pieces, clutching their arms as they rocked me back and forth like I was a pup.

“I’ll just check on Elijah and make sure he's still sleeping,” Angela said, disappearing down the hall. 

“It’s okay, my sweet girl. I’m here. You cry as much as you want to. Let it out.” Tess coos quietly, bringing her legs around, cocooning into her warmth. 

I must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I know, Eli comes running into the room, waking us up. “Good morning, momma, Aunt Tess, and Angie?” He cocks his head to the side, looking at us cuddled up on the couch with Angela sleeping in an awkward position in the chair opposite us. 

“Yes, sweet pup, momma was having bad dreams, so I thought it best I’d come over and give her cuddles, like we do with you when you have your bad dreams, right?” Tess says with a sleepy tone, motioning for him to join us. 

Eli comes and sits next to us. He cuddles me, and I kiss his forehead. 

‘Thank you.’ I mind link her. 

‘No problem, but this can’t keep happening. We will talk later about what you were dreaming as you howled again. Thankfully, we arrived quickly, and Eli didn’t hear you.’ Tess answers as she kisses his forehead, but keeps her eyes on me. 

I nod my head and sigh. 

I am not looking forward to this.