Chapter 5

I woke up early, marahil iniisip pa ang posibleng mangyari sa magiging lakad namin ni Fernando. I spent the day distracted, my eyes reading messages, but my brain stuck on him.

The man who kissed me with his eyes but pulled away with his words.

Akala ko matapos ang naganap sa cafe kasama si Alden ay hindi ko na iisipin pang sumama kay Fernando pero heto ako ngayon, nasa labas ng bahay hinihintay siya para sunduin ako.

I am in black dress that I never wore before that just stayed in my closet waiting to decompose. I just hope I look effortlessly sexy with this.

Nang makita ko ang kotse niya na ginamit niya kahapon papunta sa cafe ay agad akong dinalaw ng kaba. 

He stepped out of the car. Button-down shirt. Rolled sleeves that make it look hotter than he already is with his silver watch shining in his right wrist. His black slack is not too tight but the thing between his legs is poking with no shame.

“ You look stunning.” He said, almost shyly.

“You dressed up well too.” I replied. Smiling as I slid into the passenger seat.

The drive was silent but not awkward. 

I was surprised nang hindi kami tumigil sa town, I think we are heading to La Trinidad. 

The restaurant was away from the crowd, it was in Puguis and I always go here with my friends. The foods here are above average for my taste and I like it here. I looked at Fernando who’s hands fidgeted with the menu.

“You come here often?” I asked him.

“No,” he admitted. “First time. I just wanted tonight to be special.”

I looked at him. I saw his eyes. He’s like an open book, I can see how nervous he is. Not confident like the person from the cafe yesterday. Not the businessman. Not Alden’s godfather.

Just a man. Sitting across from the woman he wants to impress.

I ordered my usual and of course Fernando didn’t know that, he just ordered the same as mine.

We ate slowly. Nagkwentuhan ng mga bagay-bagay gaya ng mga childhood experiences, movies that we watched, and books that we’ve read. But somewhere between dessert, he fell silent.

I looked at him curiously, then he said, “I’ve never been in a relationship.”

Hindi makapaniwalang tinignan ko siya, “Never?” I repeated, maybe I’m just hearing it wrong.

He nodded, tumingin siya sa labas ng bintana na para bang iniiwasan ang kahihiyan o ang tensyon dahil sa sinabi niyang ito. “Never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. Not even a one-night thing.”

Nanahimik ako sa kinauupuan ko, inaantay na sabihin niyang nag jo-joke lang siya pero tinignan niya lang ako ng seryoso sa mata bago nagsalita ulit.

“I was always building something. A business. A future. I kept telling myself that when things got settled, my financial and mental stability It'll be easy to find the love of my life but I was wrong. I guess I’m too old to not know what I’m doing.”

“You’re not too old, maingat ka lang sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay. Ayaw mong magpadalos-dalos. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He just gave me a small smile. “I think that’s why I pulled back that night. Nang maalala kong ex mo si Alden naalala ko rin kung bakit hindi ako masyadong nakikipagclose sa ibang tao.”

“Because it gets complicated?” I uttered.

“Because I don’t know how to be in something real.” He corrected me.

Nang ihatid na niya ako pauwi, tinanong ko siya kung gusto niyang pumasok muna. I offered him something to drink. Hindi kasi siya nakainom ng something alcoholic dahil magda-drive pa siya.

I got some beer in my fridge while I let him sit on my couch. I sit with him in the couch , close enough for our knees to brush, but far enough for the moment to escalate.

I turned to him, searching his face. 

“You said you’ve never kissed anyone?” 

He chuckled nervously before answering. “Nakaka turn-off ba? Ilang taon na ako pero wala parin akong experience?”

“No,” I said softly. “It just makes you rare.” I confessed leaning slowly to make time for him to stop me but he didn’t that’s why I continued.

Our lips met slowly, uncertain but electric. His hand moved to my cheek, unsure of where to go next, I guided it to my waist. He followed, deepening the kiss, still slow, still learning, but eager.

My heart raced not from lust, but from the purity of it. It wasn’t like Thor. It wasn’t about the moment. This was someone who had waited not for the perfect person but for the right time.

I want to be part of that time. 

Mas lalalimin ko pa sana ang halikan nang bigla siyang lumayo. He broke the kiss, breathing hard and eyes on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” I was confused. I thought we had a moment.

“I can’t. Not tonight.” He softly said, breathing heavily.

“It’s okay.” I whispered, brushing his messy hair away from his eyes.

“I want you.” He said. “God, I want to be near you but if we do this now, I won’t know if it’s real. I’ve waited for this long. I can wait a little more.”

I nodded, swallowing the throb on my chest. For the second time, he rejected me again. “I know.”

Pareho kaming tumayo. Hinatid ko siya sa pinto. I saw him drive away when my phone suddenly rang. It was Alden. Anong kailangan niya?

Alden: There’s something about Fernando you don’t know. Something I should have told you about when he moves in.

Amethyst: Tell me what?

Alden: When I was a kid, Fernando disappeared for a year. Our families told us that he was in Europe, studying. I know he wasn’t. He was in therapy. Intensive therapy. For anger management issues, because something happened.

I froze on what I heard. Is he telling the truth?

Amethyst: What happened?

Alden: I don’t know exactly. They’ve always kept it quiet pero narinig ko sila mama na takot sakaniya, sabi nila may nasaktan daw siya and the guy was badly hurt. Nahospital padaw. I don’t know more about the details, Azzy. I just want you to be careful with him. I love you.

Bago pa ako makapagsalita ay binabaan na niya ako.

What the fuck?

Umupo ako sa sofa kung saan kami naghalikan ni Fernando kanina, trying to process what Alden said.