Chapter 4

I woke up late on my bed with a dull hangover and a vivid memory of my almost intimate late night with Fernando.

Note to the ‘almost’.

I feel like a whore looking for fuck. After Thor, pupunta ako kay Fernando na parang wala lang. Maybe Fernando is right, I’m too young for him. Also maybe I’m just looking for someone to fill the emotional space that Alden left.

Tangina.

I’m so frustrated with myself. I wanted that fucking kiss to happen. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted that night to mean something. 

Nakakainis, ngayon ko lang naman siya nakilala pero kung maka react ako ay akala mo taon na ang itinagal.

Ipinagsawalang bahala ko nalang ang isiping iyon. I checked my phone to see if I posted anything embarrassing. Thankfully, I didn’t. Just a few blurry stories from One Piece and Amper, ang isang story ay kasama ko pa si Thor.

Pumunta ako sa bahay nila Jaz, I take a jeep dahil nasakanila ang kotse ko.

“Damn this headache.” Jaz exclaimed when I opened the light in her room.

“I’m just going to get my jacket, matulog ka na ulit.” I said turning the lights off after I got my jacket. Mitch might be on the other room or on someone’s room, hindi ko na chineck dahil gusto ko nalang kunin ang sasakyan ko at magpunta sa town para bumili ng kape.

I really need something hot ang sweet to survive the day.

When I got there, I ordered matcha coffee and waffles for my breakfast when I felt someone watching me.

I turned my head and there he was. My ex.

Alden.

Sitting at a corner table alone, stirring his coffee absentmindedly like he was waiting for someone.

Nanlaki ang mata niya nang mapansin na nakatingin na ako sakaniya.

“Azzy.” I saw his mouth move saying my nickname to him.

“Hey.” I said softly, frozen in place. 

Tangina.

Wrong timing. I wanted to rest from yesterday, ang dami nang nangyari eh, pati ba naman ngayon.

I don’t want to talk to him, but I have no choice.

He stood up, walked to me with an awkward smile. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, medjo masakit lang ang ulo pero kaya naman.” I said.

“Hangover?” He asked even though he knows the answer to that. I nodded, he chuckled. “You look… good. I didn’t get the chance to tell you that yesterday.” 

“Thanks.” 

The silence grew thick between us.

Awkward.

“I was actually waiting for someone," he confessed. “But maybe the universe wanted me to see you first.”

“Alden.” When we’re still together, normally kikiligin ako sa sinabi niya but now? I just want this conversation to end.

He stepped closer. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us. Alam kong tinapos mo na ang kung ano man ang namamagitan saatin at gusto mong ring tapusin kung ano man ang natitirang koneksyon natin. I respect that, Azzy. but I still care about you. I still want to try again. Please.”

Tangina.

Before I could answer, a car pulled up infront of the cafe.

Fernando.

He stepped out, holding a brown envelope.

Alden turned to look. Fernando spotted me. His jaw tightened when he saw me with Alden standing close to each other. He walked up, composed as always.

“Here’s the file that we need to talk about.” He said talking to Alden then he turned to me. “How’s your head? Naparami ka ata ng inom kagabi.” He handed Alden the envelope.

“Okay lang, hindi naman gaanong masakit.” I responded.

“You two…?” Alden asked, voice low and accusatory.

“No. But I wanted to.” Fernando said firmly na parang hindi niya ako nireject kagabi. 

Alden stared at him, betrayed.

“So my godfather wants to sleep with my ex?” he snapped.

Fernando didn't flinch. “It’s not like that.”

What is it then? 

Tangina.

Ang daming coffee shop kasi sa Baguio bakit dito pa sila magkikita eh. Dapat nakaupo ako ngayon at nag scroll sa phone pero hindi eh, I’m stuck here with this two that I don’t want to see for now. 

“You’re unbelievable” Saad ni Alden na halata na ang inis sa boses. The first time I saw him like that was when a man approached me and tried to touch my thighs. “You said you admired her. I didn’t think you meant it like that.”

“Stop.” I interrupted. “I just want to have a peaceful fucking morning. Masakit na ang ulo ko, wag niyo nang dagdagan.”

I turned to the counter where the staff was just staring at the commotion. Kinuha ko ang order ko sa counter at nilapag sa random na lamesa bago ito binayaran at umalis na mula doon. 

I drove my car to Marcos highway, away from the two.

By afternoon, I tried to distract myself. I cleaned the kitchen kahit na malinis naman ito, cleaned my room even though I already cleaned it the other week. I just want distraction but nothing stopped my mind from drifting back to that moment. His hands, his eyes, his refusal to kiss me.

Fuck.

I grabbed my phone and opened i*******m, instead of my usual routine of watching reels, I opened the messages and scrolled, refreshed. Nothing.

Tangina.

Bakit ko ba inaantay na mag message manlang siya saakin? Hindi na ako teenager.

Ibababa ko na sana ang phone ko pero tumunog ito. A direct message from Fernando.

@fearnan: That wasn’t supposed to happen, but if you’ll still have dinner with me, I’d like to start over. Just us, no exes, no godsons.

Tangina.

He wants us to have dinner again. No exes. No godsons. Just us.

Was this him drawing a boundary or daring me to cross one?

Binasa ko ulit ang message niya bago sinubukang magtipa ng sasabihin.

@thystame: when?

Hindi naman ako nagexpect na mag reply siya agad pero kasesend ko lang ng message ko ay nakareply na agad siya.

@fearnan: Bukas, 7pm. I’ll pick you up. Send me your address. Hindi ko parin alam saan ka nakatira kahit na magkalapit lang ang bahay natin.

I didn’t reply. I couldn’t, I let the silence fill in what words couldn’t, and just stared at his message for the next hour wondering if tomorrow would ruin me or finally begin something real.

Still, I sent him my address. High risk, high reward.