Chapter 2 — Why is my heart pounding?

Kimberly POV

"It's been too long without intimacy. And an external examination won't tell me anything." He replied after he removed the bud from my 'V,' which gave me a whole lot of sweet-convenience to think straight.

I guess he must be joking with regards to what he just said. I mean, what did he actually mean by that?

"What does that even mean?" I asked, pulling my gown a little tighter around myself, like the fabric could shield me from whatever came next.

"It means your body's been starved," he said, without looking up from the tray he was arranging. "And starved bodies don't behave the way textbooks say they should."

I didn't like how easily that rolled off his tongue.

"Then what do we do?" I asked right away.

He moved his face closer and looked straight into my eyes. "Internal exam."

I felt my stomach drop somewhere near my feet.

"Now just relax and open up for me."

He said it so plainly, like he was asking me to open a door and not my entire body to a man I'd met 20 minutes ago. I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him this was too much, that whatever training had taught him to say things that calmly clearly hadn't accounted for how it felt on the receiving end. But some stubborn, exhausted part of me had already decided I'd come this far, and turning back now would mean admitting I'd wasted the appointment, the courage…and all of it.

He went back to the kidney tray and grabbed a vaginal speculum, clipping it first before coming close to me. Was that actually necessary? At this point, I couldn't hide my fear.

"Is that… is that going inside me?" I asked, my voice smaller than I wanted it to be.

"It is," he said, not unkindly though, but not gently either. Just factual, the way he seemed to say everything. "It's the only way to see what's actually going on."

I swallowed hard, my fingers curling into the gown fabric like it was the last thing supporting me in the room.

"Relax," he said, like it's nothing. "It's a tool. And it won't hurt, I promise you. I understand for a fact that probably you haven't had it in there before, and so I fully know how uneasy the thought of that might make you feel."

How does he expect me to believe that when I haven't experienced anything similar before? But somehow, I just feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt, because there was nothing else I could do that would be helpful other than that.

"You say that a lot…That you understand." I said, half to fill the silence, and then half because I genuinely wanted to know. 

"Because I do." His eyes lifted to mine, steady, unreadable. "Most of my patients think fear makes them fragile. But it doesn't. Rather, it just makes them honest."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing, which felt like the safest option available to me.

He went on to put the speculum inside, obviously advancing toward my 'V,' and I lost count of the gulps I took down this time. It was as if I was facing my worst fears at this point, and I held on to my dress so tight. I could feel my feet moving more freely on their own, as if I wasn't in control of them anymore. And of course, I was not, no matter how hard it was for me to admit it. But it is what it is.

My breath came in short, uneven pulls, and I hated how loud it sounded in a room this quiet.

"You're doing fine," he said, low, almost absent, like the words were more habit than comfort. "Try to breathe through it instead of against it."

"That's easy for you to say," I managed to say, in-between an uneasy slight laugh and something closer to panic. "You're not the one on this table."

For the first time since I'd walked in, something shifted in his expression … not quite a smile, but close enough to unsettle me more than his usual blank calm did.

"No," he agreed. "I'm not."

I breathed in and out, and uncontrollable tears ran down my cheeks. "It feels so weird," I said hurriedly, not entirely sure I could name what I meant by that, only that it was true.

"Almost done," he said. "Just a little longer."

I nodded, even though I wasn't sure he was looking at me to see it, and focused every scrap of will I had on getting through the next few seconds without falling apart completely.

Honestly, at this point, I lost control completely and moaned helplessly for the rest of the time he was doing whatever he was doing for the examination.

As the vaginal speculum moved slightly in and out, that was exactly how my moan went in and out uncontrollably through the examination.

I subconsciously stretched almost every part of my body, including my feet, because of the feelings that came along with this. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a small, horrified voice kept asking how I was supposed to look this man in the eye again after this, and I had no answer for it.

When he was done, you wouldn't imagine the much relief that came with that.

I lay there for a second, chest rising and falling too fast, trying to gather whatever dignity I had left scattered across that examination table.

"You can sit up now," he said, already turning to strip off his gloves, and his voice back to that same clipped, clinical tone, as if the last ten minutes hadn't happened at all.

I hated how easily he could do that. Flip a switch. Go back to being just a doctor while I was still trying to remember how to breathe properly.

And just then, he pulled off his face mask, and I couldn't imagine the thoughts going through my mind as he stared at me while I tried to sit up. ‘God, why is my heart pounding?’

Then he moved away from me, pulling off the gloves he had on his hands, and said alongside, "You've gone too long without it, if you're still a virgin like you said. That's what's causing the hysteria. Regular intimacy with your husband would really help."

I almost laughed at that, except there was nothing funny about it. "That's not exactly something I can just arrange, doctor."

He glanced at me then, something unreadable passing behind his eyes. "No," he said slowly. "I don't imagine it is."

He continued, advancing toward me with a paper, then pulled out a pen from his white coat and wrote on the paper while he added, "That should balance you out."

He sent a close look at me and then said, "Are you listening to me?"

I would say he wasn't wrong by asking that question, because I was lost in my reverie with some silly things going through my mind.

"Yes, yes. Ehhhh." I managed to put up a little composure, as much as I could, then took the paper from him.

"Thank you so much, doctor." I stood up and left right away, because sitting in the same space with this young man was not so convenient for me anymore, with regards to what I was already thinking.

As soon as I opened the door and stepped out, I ran into one of the female doctors, who had a white coat on and was about to enter. For some reason, I had to eavesdrop without their notice.

"So, you took my patient while I was grabbing coffee?" the female doctor said, her tone somewhere between annoyed and amused.

‘That must be Dr Lisa then.’ I thought to myself.

"I own this hospital," he went on to say, not even breaking stride. "And I will treat whoever I want to."

"Alright." She let out a short laugh, like this was nothing new. "Have you seen the new nurse? She's stunning as hell." I could feel the excitement in her voice as she said that.

"Oh, come on." He went ahead to say. "I'm not interested. Besides, I'm busy."

I think at this point, I've heard enough before I get caught eavesdropping. Whoever and whatever he is shouldn't matter to me. Besides, I don't think I'd have any reason for him to examine me again, if by chance anything happens to bring me back to this hospital.