I Want You To Love Me

LYDIA

“Your father is here,” Eddie had said, pulling his jacket back on, already halfway to the door as he finished his sentence. “I don’t want to be here when he comes and I have something to attend to at the office. We’ll talk later.”

That was ten minutes ago. Ten minutes of my heart beating loudly in my ears as anxiety pulled on every nerves while I waited for him to walk through those doors. I rehearsed what I’d say when the door finally opened, smoothening the blanket over my legs and arranging my face into something soft and graceful.

When the door finally did open, I was almost ready.

I blinked at the man who stood in the doorway, smiled softly when his eyes rested on me then bowed my head. I noticed that he was still in his suit from whatever meeting he’s interrupted to be here.

His tie was slightly loosened – the only sign that anything about today had rattled him at all.

“Dad?” I breathed, trying to sound confused at seeing him here. Still, there was a small hopefulness in my voice I despised.

“Lydia,” he said as he stepped inside the room, closing the door behind him softly. His eyes didn’t roam around the VIP ward Eddie arranged for me. He didn’t take on the flowers and gifts Eddie and most of my fans online brought in for me. His eyes stayed on me face.

And for a heartbeat, I let myself hop this might go differently than it always did. That maybe finally is been able to touch his cold heart the way I always wanted. That unlike other times, he’d cross the room and sit on the bed, caressing my head the way a father should.

He stopped instead at the foot of the bed, exactly the same distance he always put between himself and me. His jaw tightened and I knew that what was coming next wasn’t anything I wanted.

“You’re all over the Internet,” he said flatly.

I felt something in my chest sink, felt my heart tug desperately one last time before shutting down. What had I been expecting when Eddie told me he was here? One of the reasons why I’d moved here was him.

To bridge the distance between us but it was as though we were even more distant now that we were in the same city and lived in the same house than when I was away.

I but hard on my bottom lip, suppressing the tears that threatened to fall. “It wasn’t what it looked like,” I hated how my voice shook. I hated how vulnerable I looked whenever’ he was around. I hated how he didn’t see how much I was trying to please him, to gain his attention, to be the daughter he could be proud of.

“I was only trying to help. Eddie and Adrienne are having issues and somehow I’m in the middle of all that and –”

“I’m not interested in what it looked like.” His voice didn’t rise, but I felt it like a punch in my guts. “Whatever happens between you and that family, stop involving Adrienne. And most importantly, I hope you know now that the public knows you and I are connected, everything you do come back to me.”

I stiffened, my spine going rigid. My hands tightened into fist until my nails dug into the flesh of my palm. I guess that was the only thing that could keep me from drowning in the anger that flooded me.

I wanted to ask him why he cared about Adrienne at all. I wanted to ask him why he defended her when he’s never lifted a finger in my defense before. I wanted to ask him a hundred questions. But the words never came.

Instead, I asked the only question that ever mattered to me. “Did you come because you were worried about me, at least?”

He was quiet for moment, his eyes glued on the tears that now tracked down my cheek. Stupid, I thought as I wiped the tears away. I’d spent the past decade desperate for this man’s approval yet he’d never once given it. Once, I thought if I was good enough, careful enough, impressive enough, then he’d love me.

But I was wrong.

“The media keeps saying you’re pregnant,” he said instead. “Is there any truth to it? Or is this one of your… ploys?”

I swallowed. “What do you mean by that?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. I wanted to raise my voice my voice, but we were the only ones where and we both knew that there was no need fjr the performance.

That didn’t mean I didn’t few a degree of hurt at his words. To think that was all he expected of me.

“I think you’ve done more elaborate things for less.” He said offhandedly. “Staging a pregnancy to get attention isn’t beneath you. That’s why I’m asking you directly. Are you really pregnant?”

I felt a vein pop in my head even if a warning bell was ringing at the back of my mind. I knew I needed to stay composed. I knew I needed to remain graceful in his eyes but maintaining my composure was like holding water in a basket.

“You came all the way here to ask me that?” I heaved a sigh, taking gulps of breath in to calm my racing heart. “I was almost slapped in front of the press. I’m lying in a hospital bed. And the first question you can ask me is whether I’m pregnant?”

A frown creased his features. “Is that a no?”

I gritted my teeth. “I don’t know,” I said finally, then shrugged because it was all I could do. “It’s complicated.”

“Is it? I need a simple yes, or no.”

“I don’t have an answer,” I crossed my arms, pouting like a child. Maybe in his eyes now, I looked like a child, but I didn’t care. “You didn’t how I was. Didn’t care go know if I was hurt or scared. All you care about is…by our image.”

His jaw tightened but as always, that was all the reaction he gave me. Except, once again, I was wrong. “I do want to know how you’re doing,” his voice was gentle, a little warmth sleeping through. It reminded me of the man I knew many years ago. “But I’m also incapable of pretending I don’t see the practical reality of this situation.”

That shattered the bubble for me.

“I see.” I said simple.

He nodded, and glanced at his watch. “I have to go. But I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. Until then, stay out of trouble. I’ll take down the videos spreading on the internet, but this is the last time. The next time something links me to you, I’ll deny our relationship.”

The tears fell again and this time, I didn’t wipe them off. I watched him leave, watched the door hours after he’d disappeared from my sight. They were three things I knew for sure – one was that he wasn’t going to be back tomorrow.

Two, when he said he’ll deny our relationship, he meant it. That man never said something he wasn’t going to do.

And three, I hated Adrienne Hanson so much, so much that I wanted to make her life miserable. Because this man, my father who didn’t care enough about me to defend my honor or ask about my life, or throw a fit when I was messing up was protecting her.

Why?

No, I didn’t need to know why. I just needed her gone!