Chapter 4

Napahinto ako dahil may humawak sa braso ko. Hinawakan ako ni Professor Zaiden pero iniwas ko ang aking tingin rito. Ayokong makita niyang umiiyak ako baka kasi ma-dissapoint siya at hindi na niya ako papansinin.

Pilit niyang hinarap ang mukha ko gamit ang kaniyang kamay pero nagmatigas ako at mabilis na kinuha ang braso ko rito.

"M-may sasabihin po ba kayo?" Tanong ko habang nakatalikod. Pinipigilan na huwag humikbi. Narinig ko siyang malalim na bumuntong-hininga.

"I didn't mean anything by what I said to you, Ms. Valencia. It's just that-- what you're doing is frightening. Hiding pictures of a person and stalking them is called an obsession. You're becoming obsessed."

Lumingon ako sa kaniya at ngumiti parin. "Then, I'd rather be obsessed. I chose this, Professor Zaiden, and you can't take away what brings me happiness," Sabi ko at ngumiti ng mapait.  "Are you disgusted now that you know? But even if you are, I won't stop until you accept me, Professor Zaiden. Call me a freak, crazy, or a bitch. I won't mind any of that, but I will make sure that you'll be mine in the end."

Professor Zaiden furrowed his brow, clearly taken aback by my unexpected revelation. He released his grip on my arm, and there was a moment of tense silence between us.

"Valencia, this isn't something to take lightly. You can't force someone to accept you, especially not in such an intrusive way," he said sternly.

I held his gaze. Hindi ako kailanman sumuko agad. "But what if being with you is all I want, Professor? What if I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make you mine?" Matigas kong sambit na napalunok sa kaniya ng ilang beses.

Umiwas siya ng tingin nang hindi pa rin ako bumibitaw ng titig ngunit agad rin siyang nakabawi at bumaling ulit sa akin.

"Alam mong hindi ito healthy para sayo, Valencia. You need to let go of this obsession and focus on your studies, your future." Mahinahon niyang tugon.

"But you're my future, Professor," I insisted, ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan mo dahil desperado na ako. "I can't imagine a life without you. Alam mong may gusto ako sayo, Professor. Alam mo ‘yan! Please don't make it complicated between us.” Nagsusumamo kong sambit.

"You're young, Valencia. You'll meet someone else, someone who can give you the love and attention you deserve. Hindi ako iyon. Please, don't make this hard for yourself.”

I bit my lip and tried fighting back my tears. "But it's you I want, Professor. No one else can compare.”

He reached out and gently wiped away a tear that had escaped my eye. "I'm sorry, Valencia. But I can't be that person for you."

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces at his words, but I refused to let him see my pain. “Prof, I love you. I really do. Please accept me.” Sabay hawak ko sa kamay niya pero agad niya itong hinila at napahilamos na lamang bigla.

Despite Professor Zaiden's rejection, I refused to give up. I couldn't accept defeat, not when my heart yearned for him so deeply.

"Professor, you can't just dismiss my feelings like that," I said firmly. "I know what I want, and I want you. I won't give up until you see that."

He sighed again pero matigas ako, ngayon pa ba ako aatras kung alam kong may nangyari na sa aming dalawa?

"Valencia, you need to understand that this is not healthy. You're fixating on me, and it's not fair to either of us." Kahit ramdam ko ang inis room ay mahinahon pa rin ang boses niyang magsalita.

"I don't care about what's 'healthy' or 'fair.' All I care about is being with you. I'll prove to you that my feelings are genuine, that I'm not just some infatuated student."

Tumingin siya sa ibang direksiyon dahil parang anytime ay sasabog na siya sa inis. Masyado ba akong makulit? Then, I don't care about it anymore. "You're not thinking clearly, Valencia. This infatuation will only bring you pain in the end."

"I'll risk the pain if it means having a chance with you," I insisted again."I won't give up, Professor. I'll keep fighting for us, no matter what."

Hindi makapaniwala ang expresyon niya pero may concern roon pero hindi ko kailangan ang mga iyon, gusto kong mahalin niya rin ako at wala na akong pakialam sa iba pa.

"I won't entertain this any further. Please, focus on your studies and respect the personal space of others." Balik niyang saad pero tumawa lang ako ng pagak.

"Respect personal space? Baka nakalimutan niyo ang pinagsamahan natin ng buong gabi? And you want me to respect? You could have just told me bago mo ako ginamit ng paulit-ulit. And you want me to move on for that? I don't move past things; I dive deeper into them."

May lalo siyang naguluhan. "What are you talking about? We never spent any time together, let alone the entire night. You're making up stories now?"

I furrowed my brows. Naguguluhan ako pero baka ay dineny niya lang pero hindi ako delusional para gawing gawa-gawa lang ang ginawa namin sa gabing iyon. "But... we really did. I can even remember your touch, kiss and --"

"Stop!,” he cut me off. Nakita ko na ang pagkainis sa mukha niya na kanina niya pa tinatago. “I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never had such an encounter with you. You're making stories."

Nakaramdam ako ng kirot at pagkapahiya. "No, hindi pwede. You're lying, I knew it,” Naiiling kong sagot. “I distinctly remember your voice, your expressions. We connected on a deep level. Ide-deny mo na ngayon?"

Bumuntong-hininga siya at ramdam kong nagpipigil lang siyang sigawan ako. “I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but I didn't spend the night with you. I have my boundaries and this is crossing a line."

Naguguluhan ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa kaniya at inaalala ang gabing iyon. "But... I thought..."

He interrupted firmly, "Enough! This needs to stop. If you're having delusions or fantasies, it's not healthy. Seek help, but don't involve me in whatever this is."

I stood there, grappling with the disparity between my memories and his denial. What just happened? We even have videos together and he is denied just like that? I wanted to ask him more about it but maybe he was just pretending because we're in the University.

Huminga ako ng malalim at ngumiti. That's okay anyway, Hindi pa rin naman ito ang huli.

Diretso na akong naglakad at pumasok sa lumang library. Nakaupo na si Ma'am roon at nagpipindot sa kaniyang cellphone gamit ang kaniyang hintuturo. Para lamang siyang nagpipindot ng calculator sa ginagawa niya.

"Hi po, Ma'am. Kanina pa ho kayo?"

Lumingon ito sa akin at ngumiti. "Hindi naman masyado iha. Anong oras klase mo ngayon?"

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at umupo agad sa kaniyang tabi ng upuan.  Nasanay na rin kasi kaming normal lamang na nag uusap. Minsan rin ay tinuturuan ko siya kung paano gumawa.

"Mamayang 1pm pa ho. Kaya sure akong matatapos agad natin ang presentation." Nilabas ko na ang kaniyang laptop at binuksan ito agad. Halatang hindi niya ito ginamit dahil na memorize ko pa kung paano ko ito nilagay sa lagayan.

"Pasensiya kana iha, ikaw lang talaga ang mahihingian ko ng tulong. Mukha kasing walang tatanggap," She took something from her bag, and as soon as I saw it, I quickly refused.

"Hala, Ma'am. Free lang po ang ginagawa ko. Huwag niyo na po ako ng bayaran."

Ilang papel na pera ang kinuha niya at nilagay sa palad ko. "Hindi pwede iha, babayaran kita. Nag effort kang tulungan ako. Magtatampo talaga ako kung hindi mo tatanggapin ito."

Nagdadalawang isip man ay kinuha nalang at nginitian si Ma'am. "Mas gusto ko pa po yata ng niluto niyong adobong manok Ma'am. Enough na po sa akin ang ulam." Napakamot ko pang sabi.

"Sige, sa susunod iha. Halata talagang paborito mo ang adobo."

Ngumiti lamang ako pabalik at humarap na sa laptop. Syempre, paborito iyon ng Professor kaya paborito ko na rin. Hindi ako marunong magluto at alam kong hindi talaga para sa akin ang kusina kaya ayoko nalang magluto ulit. Ilang beses ko ng sumubok pero wala talaga. Ayoko namang bigyan ng pagkain si Professor Zaiden ng hindi masarap. Baka itapon niya lang.

"Salamat, Laurenestine. Siguradong bibigyan kita ng maraming adobong manok pag nagtagumpay tayo sa presentation na ito."

Nagpatuloy kami sa paghahanda, at habang nagbibigay ako ng pointers sa kanya, unti-unti nawala ang kaba sa kanyang mukha. Sa paglipas ng oras, parang nakalimutan na namin ang mga suliranin sa presentation at mas naging kumportable sa isa't isa.

Sa wakas, nang malapit na ang oras ng kanyang klase, nagtapos kami ng pag-aayos. "Maraming salamat, iha.  Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito magagawang mag-isa."

Ngumiti ako, "Walang anuman, Ma'am. Alam ko namang magiging maganda ang presentation mo. Good luck!"

Paglabas agad ni Ma'am ay agad akong sumilip sa opisina ng Professor pero hindi ko siya makita. Ngumiti ako kahit kabaliktaran naman ang nararamdaman ko. Iniisip ko pa rin ang sinabi niya sa akin kanina pero pinilit kong huwag iyong pagtuunan ng pansin.