Mafia Comedy Short Stories & Novels

Everyone who has ever met me says no man could possibly resist me. It is because I am a natural seductress. My hourglass figure is too sensual to even hide. But my fiancé, Enzo Vitale, the Don of the Vitale family, is the exception. He dislikes my full lips and my curving hips. Not only that, he thinks my ample chest and narrow waist lack dignity and elegance. He says everything about me screams promiscuity, and that I am like a flirtatious prostitute, making me unfit to be his wife. So, he brings in the strictest etiquette mentore from Cicaro to teach me proper manners. I study diligently for an entire year, but I still fail to become the perfect wife he wants. When he once again complains that I am too seductive and improper, even going so far as to threaten to break off our engagement, I grow tired of it all. I say, "Then let's cancel our engagement."

My bestie got wasted and begged me in tears. "Help me get into Caspian's bed! Please, spend whatever it takes, just get me out of this broke-ass life!" God help me. Caspian was the most ruthless Don in Chicago. I sighed. What could I do? I was her best friend. But I had one rule: never spend a dime more than I have to. The budget was set. The less I spent, the more I pocketed. She gave me $5,000 to buy a dress that would seduce him. I pocketed $4,900. So she wore a dress I made out of flea-market silk scraps. Her pitiful, broke-girl act completely won the Don over. Thrilled, she shoved another $1,000 into my hands to buy top-tier birth control. I skimmed $999 and bought a two-dollar bottle of multivitamins. Clutching that positive pregnancy test, my bestie looked at me like I was God. Later, the Don's ex, Cassandra—pure mafia royalty—came back for blood. Furious, my bestie threw $50,000 at me. "Ruin her! Aria, you're the only one I trust to handle this." But at the family dinner, that bitch struck first. "She hired thugs to attack me in the penthouse! They're hiding inside right now!" Yet, when Caspian kicked the door open. The woman's smug smirk froze. "Freaks... are you fucking freaks?! Who fills a room with life-sized creepy Halloween wax figures?!" ...

After my father vanished with fifty million dollars belonging to the Vitale Family, I went from a pampered heiress to the Mafia Don's debt-bound maid. On my very first day, I discovered that Cassian—the cold creditor ordering me to polish his shoes by day—was the same online puppy who wore a collar, knelt, and called me Mistress at night. And just the night before, I'd dumped him because I “wasn't in the mood for arelationship.” In the study, he looked down at me coldly. “Miss Bennett, polish my shoes.” “A debtor doesn't get to choose her assignments.” At the same time, my phone was buzzing like crazy in my pocket. The “puppy” I'd blocked seventeen times was already begging through yetanother new account: [Mistress, please don't leave your puppy.] [You can punish your puppy however you want tonight.]

My family, the Cosimos, has been locked in a blood feud with the Romanovs for twenty years. My father, the Don, and Don Romanov once got into a fistfight at someone else’s wedding, tearing each other’s black suits to shreds. “My son would rather be sealed in a concrete-filled oil drum than go anywhere near your daughter.” “Even if every man in America dropped dead, I still wouldn’t let my daughter have anything to do with your family.” But they didn’t know that Leon—the sole heir to the Romanov family—and I had kissed each other’s lips raw.