Funny Ways To Die Novels & Stories

I've died on my wedding day. When I'm in the middle of getting cruelly tortured by the thugs, my parents, older brother, and my fiance are all comforting my younger adopted sister, Arianna Capuano, who's bawling her eyes out. Before I die, I've called them for help. But Diego Atzori, my fiance who's the next Don of the Atzori family, sounds extremely angry at me when he picks up the call. "Carlotta Capuano, Arianna's life is more important than our marriage! Stop putting on an act just to attract attention!" The call goes dead. My life is also entering its countdown. I can only lie in my own puddle of blood, my body broken and mutilated, until I stop breathing entirely. No one can find me at home. They think I'm just throwing a tantrum because the wedding has gotten canceled. Perhaps I've chosen to run away from the altar just so I can attract their attention. What they don't know is the fact that I've never left home. In fact, I've died in the basement of my own house. I died right beneath their feet.

When I was four months pregnant, my fiance, who was a doctor, left me hanging when we were supposed to get married. This was not the first time; this was the sixteenth time. The first time, his nurse fainted at the sight of blood during an operation, and I waited for him for an entire day at the city hall. The second time, his nurse called, and he left me behind on a viaduct to buy daily necessities for her. Whenever we were about to get married, his nurse would call him for all sorts of problems. The final time was when he told me he was sick. Despite the rain, I rushed to the hospital, only to find that it was his nurse who was sick. He stayed by her side to care for her while he lied to me without batting an eye. At that moment, I began to hate him. I aborted our baby and left. But he chased after me and even traveled out of the country just to apologize.

"Good can't exist without evil. But what happens when we are neither?" Elliot Harvard has assembled a team of misfits. There’s Bryan, the hot-headed elemental; Classy, who can manipulate matter; and Mello, whose art becomes reality. But among the new recruits living in the secret base, one figure stands apart: Northstar. Silent, brooding, and terrifyingly powerful, Northstar is the host of the Shadowalker—a mythical demon created to destroy life but cursed to protect it. He lives in the gray area between light and darkness, possessing knowledge that predates history. When the squad faces their first real test against a horde of monsters in an abandoned warehouse, things take a deadly turn. With one of their own infected by Dracula and fading fast, the team must rely on Northstar’s dangerous connection to the Null Void. But can they trust a demon who claims to have no emotions for humans? The training is over. The war against the supernatural has begun.

Five years after I mated to Alpha Derek Blackwood, his childhood sweetheart broke her mate bond with another Alpha and returned to our pack. Even worse, I had depleted my life force saving Derek when he was mortally wounded, and now I was dying. In the less than six months I had left to live, I continued to play the role of Derek's good mate. Until I passed away. And Derek, after reading the journal I left behind, completely fell apart.

The wolves of our pack are different from most. At five years old, every pup must undergo their first shift. But my son Ash was born with a broken wolf. He couldn't complete the shift on his own. The healer said the only way to stabilize him was for my Alpha mate, Kael, to transfer fifteen percent of his power to Ash. Otherwise, Ash would die during the first shift. The Five Packs Alliance summit was approaching. Any loss of strength could put Silver Fang at a disadvantage in negotiations. Kael weighed his options and decided to postpone. He said Ash could hold on through this moon cycle — they'd do it after the summit. I begged him to perform the ritual as soon as possible. Kael gave me his word. But the summit kept getting pushed back. First, Kael's childhood sweetheart Nora said her daughter Lily had a fever and she couldn't manage alone. Kael dropped everything and stayed with them for two days. Then Nora asked to take Lily to the Northern Frost Pack's Bonfire Festival. She said Lily had never had a father, had never attended a single pack celebration, and wanted Kael to go as family. When Ash was losing his breath in my arms, I called Kael. He said: "Lily's first shift ceremony is in three days. I have to stay and guide her. Don't worry — I'll be back as soon as it's over. Ash isn't urgent. Didn't the Elder say there's still a month? Stop overreacting." Three days later, Kael rushed home. All he found was Ash's cold body.

I've been engaged to my boyfriend, Evan Shaw, for five years. He's a military commander, which is probably why he has delayed our wedding 56 times so far. The first delay has occurred because one of his female soldiers, Chloe Brooks, has gotten injured. Evan needs to rush back to the military camp due to the incident, which causes the wedding to be delayed. The second delay has occurred because Chloe has received a promotion. After sending me to the church's entrance, Evan quickly leaves with the celebratory gifts. … The 56th delay has occurred halfway throughout the ceremony. Apparently, Chloe has called Evans on the phone and crying about her break-up. Of course, Evan gets ready to ditch me at the altar without hesitation. I've begged him to not leave me, only for him to remove my hand coldly. "We can always delay the wedding. The thing is, Chloe wants to jump off a building right now because she's gotten her heart broken. How could you ever compare the importance of your wedding to the life of a nation's pride?" Evan has told me before that if I want to become a military wife, I need to have a higher endurance limit than others. I need to get used to the fact that he prioritizes others before me. But I've never even had a proper wedding of my own. How can I be considered a military wife just yet? So, I submit an application that makes me a covert operative that needs to be transferred back into the government's ranks. But after I've left, Evan breaks down in tears. With the wedding ring in hand, he tries to make it up to me by promising to complete the unfinished wedding ceremony with me.

When I was three years old, during a car accident, I was struck in the head by a car while trying to protect Mom. After that, the doctors said something inside my head had broken, and I'd never be quite right. Everyone back home called me the slow one. Late at night, I'd see her crying alone. On my seventh birthday, Mom took me to Manhattan, and that was when I discovered that she had a second home and another daughter, Charlotte. In front of strangers, she wouldn't claim me. She only let me call her Miss Eleanor. On the third night, She sat down at her vanity. On the table was a small black box. I thought it was a present. She opened the box and took out a black silicone bracelet, with a little light embedded in the clasp—small, dark, switched off. "This is called a TruthBand. It's something a company in California makes. The light turns green when you tell the truth, and red when you lie. If you wear this, Mommy will always know." She fastened it around my wrist. Tight. The little light blinked green. I thought that if I was good enough, she would love me the way she loved my sister. But then she made me do ski practice with Charlotte. Charlotte was a junior champion. "You're both my daughters. I don't play favorites. Whoever falls, gets punished." Charlotte never fell. I couldn't even keep my skis straight. Every single run, I was the one Mama dragged off the mountain and locked in the cellar. On Thanksgiving Day, Mama spent the whole afternoon cooking. I wanted to help. I dropped a bowl. She closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were red. She grabbed a little pill bottle off the counter, tipped my chin up, and forced something between my teeth. "Dumb as a rat. Are you happy now? Did you finally embarrass me enough? " I lay on the kitchen floor, gasping. While she wasn't looking, I scraped up three little pink pellets that had spilled and tucked them into my fist. Mommy, I told myself, I'll be good now, and then you'll be happy. Right?

It was a full moon, and my mate, Alpha Ethan, bailed on our son's coming-of-age ceremony rehearsal. All because his Omega mistress, Scarlett, was in heat. Then, during the actual ceremony, our son Caleb was ambushed by a rival pack. By the time I heard the news, Caleb had been shot. He was dead, lying in a pool of his own blood. I knelt beside him, completely breaking down, when Ethan's voice, faking an apology, came through the mind link: "Sorry, Scarlett needs me. I'm sure Caleb can handle things. Just make sure Caleb gets some rest early, don't let him run around and mess up tomorrow's celebration." I looked at my son's broken body, my voice trembling, "He won't be running anywhere anymore." "Good," Ethan said, sounding pleased. "Scarlett's bloodline is purer. She's better suited to give the Stone Pack strong heirs. You should understand." I cut the link. After I committed my son's body to the flames, I found the secret ritual to break a mate bond and contacted a wolf I hadn't spoken to in a long, long time: "The protection wards on Stone Pack territory are down. You can make your move."

They were my brother’s best friends—the HawkThorne brothers. Wealthy, ruthless, and filthy enough to make the whole city drop to its knees. I was the good girl once. The perfect wife. Until my husband had sex with half my office and shoved me into an open marriage I never asked for. One night at a bar was supposed to be my rebellion—a dirty little secret to make me forget. I never expected to run into them. Six years had made them look harder, darker, and so much hotter. I shouldn’t have let them touch me. Shouldn’t have let them ruin me against a bathroom sink with their filthy mouths and rough hands. Three men. One night. No promises. But the eldest HawkThorne pressed a card into my palm before I could slip away. I thought I could handle them. Thought I could survive their obsession. Now I’m learning there’s no such thing as just sex with the HawkThorne brothers. They don’t share. They claim. They corrupt. And they’re coming for every last filthy piece of me.

Three years ago, my husband, my parents, and my adopted sister faked their deaths to test whether I had married into the DeLuca family for love or for power. They cut off my money, took my home, and left me and my son with nothing. Three years later, they came back. My husband stepped out of a black Rolls-Royce, looked down at me, and said, “Evelyn, you passed the test.” What he didn’t know was that my son was already dead. And I was dying too.