Novel & Cerita My Guilt Will Not Purify Me

Their laughter echoed in the background, a reminder of the life I was leaving behind—at least for tonight. The night air hit me like a slap, sharp and sobering. For a moment, I stood there, breathing it in, trying to clear the fog in my head. But it didn’t work. The guilt was there, gnawing at the edges of my mind, no matter how much I tried to drown it in scotch and sin. This was my life. My grave. And I had no one to blame but myself.

I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t even think about it. But the more I try to fight it, the more it consumes me. It’s suffocating. And yet I do. I grip the arms of the chair so tightly my knuckles burn white, but it doesn’t stop the storm in my chest. The guilt tears at me like claws, scraping at my skin, telling me to turn away. Telling me to stop it before I lose myself completely. But deep down… something inside me knows it’s already too late.

But this morning, I need another one. Because I can still feel him. I can still smell him. I can still… God, this isn’t right. So I quickly hop into the shower again, letting the water pour down my skin until it almost burns. It’s the longest shower possible, and still, it’s not enough. When I finally step out, I brush my teeth, wash my face, anything to feel clean. But as I look up at the mirror, guilt hits me in the face. It’s hard to meet my own eyes. Because I’m thinking about Harris.

But in this moment, all I could feel was the pain building up in my chest—the hurt caused by my guilt was rendering me paralysed; even more than my handicap. "I—I haven't prayed before—I shouldn't be here—I don't have any right—-I—I have too many sins—-I—don't—" I couldn't go on. The lump of tears was making me choke on my words. The burden of my guilt was seeping through my sobs. My shoulders shook; unable to bear the weight of my cries.

But I can’t stop my mind from rehearsing what would happen over and over again as it tires itself out. Guilt. This is what real guilt feels like. Can I say I didn’t do it on purpose? I didn’t! It was there because I didn’t throw it out of the window after I have thrown most of the things off! I wouldn’t even believe myself... Maybe I should say that I was just really mad at Ava, and I just wanted to teach her a lesson. Ava uses this as a legit excuse all the time. But somehow it just doesn’t sound legit in my mind. Maybe if--

Jonathan I had not slept in three days. Maybe four. I had lost count. The thing about guilt is that it doesn’t punch you in the face. It seeps into you, quietly, like a drug, and before you know it, you are trembling through meetings, forgetting your parking space, drinking espresso until your hands twitch, staring at your girlfriend’s name on your phone screen wondering if today is the day she finds out everything.

“Bia’s on her redemption tour, apparently.” He frowned, shifting slightly to see my phone. “You want me to…” “No,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “This is… my circus. My monkeys.” He gave a quiet hum, his thumb tracing lazy circles on my hip. “You don’t deserve that crap.” I leaned back into him, closing my eyes for a second, letting the solid weight of him ground me. The world outside this bed could wait, but guilt had a way of sneaking in like smoke under a door, creeping, clinging, refusing to let go.

"I forgive you for the deception. I forgive you for the fear. The ledger is entirely clean." A ragged gasp tore from my throat. Hearing the words spoken aloud—the explicit, conscious act of pardoning my greatest failure—unlocked a cage inside my chest that I hadn't realized I was still trapped in. The crushing weight of my lingering guilt evaporated, leaving behind a blinding, brilliant light.

Rupert often followed her orders, and he'd do whatever she said. "Rupert…" At that moment, Rupert's gaze was hollow. He glanced at her coldly before looking away. "Why… Why must you treat me… like this…" Selena screamed. Soon, her last trace of hope died alongside her body. A strong wave of emptiness surged into my brothers' hearts immediately. They reflected on their own actions greatly, but remorse and agony continued to torment them to no end. Out of sheer intolerance toward the mistakes they had made, all of them ended up taking their own lives.

The guilt was an ever-present spectre, haunting my every waking moment and tormenting my dreams. As the days turned into weeks and then months, the guilt refused to relinquish its hold on me. I withdrew from those around me, my laughter silenced, and my spirit dimmed. How could I ever take on the role of Beta when I had failed the one who was destined to be our Alpha? My days were consumed by a never-ending cycle of torment and self-recrimination. Each sunrise brought a renewed weight of guilt, and each nightfall offered no respite from the darkness that consumed my soul.