Kabanata 4

Tamad akong bumangon kinabukasan. Wala akong gana — not because of what happened yesterday or that night.

I’m just… drained.

Ngayon ko lang talaga napagtanto kung gaano kasakit ang katawan ko. Every muscle felt sore. Pati ‘yung lower down there… masakit. Mahapdi. Para akong nag-gym nang walang warm-up, tapos sabay-sabay na nag-collapse ang katawan ko.

I shifted on the bed, napasinghap.

“Oh my god…” I whispered to myself.

No doubt about it — something definitely happened.

At hindi lang basta ‘something’. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block the flashes that haunted me all night.

Those hands. That voice. The feel of his lips brushing against my skin.

Hindi ito panaginip. Hindi rin ito hallucination.

What happened last night was real.

I finally sat up, pulling the sheets over my chest kahit ako lang mag-isa. I hugged my knees, resting my chin on top of them. My room felt colder than usual, but maybe it wasn’t the temperature.

Maybe it was guilt. Or confusion. Or maybe… fear.

Anak lang ang gusto ko, diba? Hindi complication. Hindi drama.

I should feel accomplished. I mean… in the most unorthodox way possible, I might’ve just taken the first step toward my goal.

But why do I feel so lost?

My phone buzzed beside me. One notification. I reached for it lazily.

> Atticus:

I’ve arranged for my driver to bring your earrings this afternoon. Text me your preferred time.

I stared at the message for a long moment.

So calm. So composed. Parang walang nangyari. Parang… hindi niya ako nilamon buong gabi.

I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Pero ang weird, I also wanted to reply.

Instead, I tossed the phone back to the bed and dragged myself to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection. Barefaced. Eyes tired. Lips slightly swollen. Hair messy.

“Anak lang ang gusto ko…” I whispered to my reflection.

“Pero hindi ganito.”

I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face, hoping it would wash away the thoughts too.

But it didn’t.

Because no matter how hard I tried to forget, I still remembered his name.

Atticus

And last night… might’ve changed everything.

Napakamot ako sa ulo habang nakaupo sa gilid ng kama.

“I don’t understand… paano niya nakuha number ko? Pati ‘yung location ko?”

Nag-scroll ako saglit sa messages. No other texts. Walang halatang trace na may pinag-usapan kami kagabi. Pero paano? Siguro sinabi ko rin sa kanya? Siguro nga.

Siguro sinabi ko rin sa kanya? Hindi ko alam, okay? Lasing ako, wala akong maalala. Ang daldal ko pa naman kapag nalasing. That's Cris and Jea told me. One time, after naming pumasa sa Board Exam, naisipan naming uminom. Supposedly, chill lang. But guess what? Ako ang pinakamaingay. But at least… hindi ako ‘yung umiiyak dahil sa love life. Kasi wala naman akong love life. So, safe.

Napalabi ako habang naglalakad papunta sa kusina. Tahimik. Walang tao. Walang ingay. Wala ring init ng usapan o tawa.

Biglang nanikip ‘yung dibdib ko.

I realized… I needed someone to talk to. Not to confess everything that happened. Not yet. I just need… someone.

Someone na pamilyar. Someone who knows me beyond all this mess.

Tumango ako sa sarili ko habang binuksan ang fridge. Wala rin akong ganang kumain.

“This is it,” bulong ko. “Bisitahin ko si Jea.”

Mabuti na lang at alam ko address niya dito sa Makati.

Nagmadali akong maligo at magbihis. Hoodie at leggings lang. No makeup. Just lip balm and some cheek tint para hindi ako mukhang bangkay. Kinuha ko phone ko, wallet, at lumabas ng condo.

"Do I need to buy some foods? Maybe, for the her kids."