Begging For Your Love

NAALIMPUNGATAN SI Ruby Rose nang marinig ang tunog nang humintong sasakyan sa kanilang garahe. Hindi niya namalayang nakatulog siya sa sofa sa may sala habang naghihintay sa kanyang asawa. Sinulyapan niya ang may kalakihang wall clock na nakasabit sa dingding. It was almost two in the morning, the last time she checked the time, it was ten in the evening, she slept for nearly four hours.

Tumayo siya at lumakad patungo sa pinto upang pagbuksan ang asawa. “Welcome home,” bati niya rito nang nakangiti. She could immediately smell the alcohol from him, the stench was too strong that she wanted to throw up.

He walked pass her without saying anything and entered their room without looking back. Ni hindi man lang siya nito tinapunan ng tingin kahit sandali man lang.

Isinarado niya ang pinto at nagmamadaling tumungo sa sink upang ilabas ang mga kinain. She felt sick when she smelt the strong scent of alcohol. She drank water after she throw up, her stomach felt so empty and she was famished. The last time she ate a proper meal was yesterday’s lunch, she only had a snack around five in the afternoon.

She looked at the dining table and bit her lower lip to stop a sob from escaping. Naroon ang mga pagkaing niluto nila ng house helper kanina. Hindi siya kumain ng hapunan dahil sadyang hinihintay niya si Russel. She wanted to eat together.

Pumasok siya sa loob ng silid nila ng asawa, wala ito sa loob ngunit naririnig niya ang tunog ng shower. Pumasok siya sa kanilang walk-in closet at kumuha nang pamalit nito. Maingat niyang inilapag ang underwear, t-shirt at pajama sa ibabaw ng kanilang kama, umupo siya roon at hinintay itong lumabas ng banyo.

He was only wearing a towel around his waist when he walked outside the bathroom and holding another towel to dry his hair.

Namumula ang mga pisngi na nag-iwas siya ng tingin dito at ibinaling sa pader ang mga mata nang biglang tanggalin ni Russel ang tuwalyang nakapulupot sa bewang at isinuot ang mga damit na hinanda niya.

Hindi pa rin siya masanay-sanay sa katawan nito. She felt embarrassed everytime she saw his naked body.

“Kumain kana ba? I cooked dinner earlier,” she said.

Wala siyang narinig mula rito, nanatili itong tahimik habang inilagay sa hamper na nasa loob ng walk-in closet ang mga ginamit na tuwalya. He then walked out of their bedroom. Itinaas niya ang paa sa ibabaw ng kama, iniyakap ang mga braso sa binti at isinubsob ang mukha sa kanyang mga tuhod.

Narinig niya ang pagbukas sara ng pinto sa maliit na library cum office nito. Doon marahil ulit ito matutulog.

“I’m so lonely,” she said in an almost a whisper. She stayed in that position while thinking about their life for the past two months. They were husband and wife but they were not in the true essence of that word. Those titles were only in papers. He was always cold and distant, he barely even talked to her. Mabibilang lang sa mga daliri niya sa mga kamay at paa ang iilang pagkakataon na natulog ito katabi niya sa kama.

Russel was punishing her, she knew that. He was mad at her. Who wouldn’t be if she ruined his life? She ruined his engagement and he ended up being married to her instead of his fiancée. But no matter how he acted towards her, it wouldn’t change the fact that they were Mr. and Mrs. Clarke. Ever since she learned the word husband and wife, and marriage, she had dreamt to be his wife. She would bore his children, and they would live happily.

Natupad ang pangarap niyang maging asawa nito at magkakaroon na sila ng anak. But was she happy?

Hindi niya alam kung hanggang saan niya matitiis ang ganoong buhay. But she was holding on. She was pregnant, she needed to be strong for her baby, for their family.

Right now, she may not be as happy as she thought she would be, but eventually, she would be. Hindi naman habang buhay ay magiging malungkot siya. Time will come that Russel would forgive her and he would learn to love her.

She looked at the empty side of the bed and her lips curved in a lonely smile. She only wanted him to sleep beside her, so that it would be less cold at night. Even if he wouldn’t hold her and she could only see his broad back and shoulders. But it would be better if hold her and kissed her head as she dozed off. She closed her eyes and imagined those things. She would be the happiest wife on earth if those illusions would come true.

Bigla siyang nagkalakas ng loob dahil sa naisip at pinuntahan ang asawa sa kabilang siliid. Kumatok siya bago binuksan ang pinto na hindi nito ini-lock. Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa may pintuan, nakayakap ang mga braso sa kanyang katawan habang nakatingin kay Russel na nakahiga sa malaking sofang nasa loob. Nakabukas ang ilaw sa may study table at iyon lang ang tanging liwanag sa loob ng office library.

“What do you want?” tanong nito na siyang bumasag sa katahimikan ng paligid.

“Will you sleep on the bed? Please?”

Madidismaya na sana siya nang ilang sandili itong hindi tumugon sa pakiusap niya. She realized how shallow her happiness was when he sighed and get up from the sofa and then he went to their bedroom.

Nakahiga na ito sa kaliwang bahagi ng kama nang sumunod siya rito. She laid down on the other side of the bed while staring at his back. That was all she asked for, she did not expect him to hold her and lulled her to sleep, at least not for now.

Hindi niya namalayang nakatulog siya, mag-a-alas-sies na ng umaga nang siya ay magising. Nasa loob ng banyo si Russel kaya dali-dali siyang bumangon. Hinanda niya ang susuotin nito sa opisina nang araw na iyon at inilapag sa kama.

She went out of their bedroom and used the bathroom in the kitchen to fix herself. After that, she put the food from last night in the heater. Good thing was, the foods were not easily get spoiled.

Ruby Rose was preparing for the dining table when Russel went out from their room. He was wearing the clothes she had picked for him. A gray coat with dress shirt underneath and brown slacks. She picked a tie earlier but as she had expected, he did not wear it. He didn’t like wearing a tie. Kung nagsusuot man ito ay madalang na madalang lang.

Sinalubog niya ito bago pa ito makalabas ng bahay. “Have breakfast before you go to the office. Please?”

He looked at his wristwatch and entered the dining room. She felt like this day was her birthday because that was the second time that he listened to her request. Ang una ay kaninang madaling araw. She was so happy.

“I am due for a checkup today with my OB. Are you coming?” Basag niya sa katahimikan habang kumakain sila ng agahan. “You don’t have to go if you’re busy with work. Nandiyan naman si Ate Judith.” Tukoy niya sa kanilang stay-out helper na nagpa-alam na malalate ng araw na iyon ng dalawang oras. She was supposed to come by six in the morning. She was silently thanking Judith for being late because she got to prepare her husband’s breakfast and spent some alone time with him on the dining table.

She was entering her second trimester at kailangan niyang pumunta sa kanyang doctor para sa kanyang regular check-up. Him being there at her check-up would be better.

“I’ll meet you at the clinic,” Russel said.

Kung nakatingin lang marahil si Russel sa kanya ay makikita nito kung paano kuminang ang kanyang mga mata dahil sa saya. Ah, napakababa talaga ng kasiyahan niya.

Pagkatapos nilang mag-agahan ay hinatid niya ang asawa sa may pinto ng bahay. Pinanood niya ito hanggang sa makasakay ng sasakyan at makalabas ng kanilang garahe.

“Have fun at work,” she murmured. She could only see the back trunk of his car.

Niligpit niya ang kanilang pinagkainan at hinugasan ang mga iyon. She could already imagine Judith, their house helper, complain about her stealing her job. Ruby Rose wanted to help with the house chores. She didn’t have a work, what else could she do? And that’s exactly why she chose to be a full-time wife and soon to be mother. She wanted to serve Russel and their soon to be child.

After she washed the dishes, she went inside the bedroom and texted her husband. “Have a good day at work, see you later.”

She was humming while getting the hamper inside the walk-in closet. Ihahanda niya ang mga labahin na lalabhan mamaya ni Judith. May isang hamper din na nakalagay sa loob ng banyo kaya pumasok siya sa loob.

Hindi na-shoot ng maayos ang dress shirt na suot ng asawa kagabi sa hamper kaya dinampot niya iyon. She was about to put it back when she noticed something on the collar of the dress shirt.

Hinawakan niya ang pulang marka sa damit na agad na dumikit sa kanyang daliri. She even smelled it.

Nanghina siyang bigla nang masigurado niyang lipstick iyon. Hindi siya maaaring magkamali. She used to be a model so she used a lot of cosmetics before and owned a lot of lipsticks.

Napaluhod siya sa sahig ng banyo dahil hindi siya kakayin ng mga tuhod sa panginginig ng mga iyon. Inilapat niya ang damit sa kanyang dibdib at niyakap kasabay nang pagkawala ng mga hikbi sa kanyang mga labi.

Agad na napalitan ng sakit ang tuwang naramdaman niya simula nang madaling araw. Na para bang hinayaan siyang makaakyat ng mataas patungo sa liwanag para lang itulak pabalik sa kadiliman sa isang iglap.

Kaya lang ba ito naging mabait sa kanya kaninang madaling araw at kanina nang almusal dahil may ginawa itong kasalanan?

He came home late and drunk because he was with a woman.

Did he even know that yesterday was their second month as a married couple? Or it didn’t even matter to him?

Pinagluto niya ito at hindi siya kumain ng hapunan dahil naghintay siya rito. Gusto niyang kasama ito sa pagkain para iselebra ang ikalawang buwan nila bilang mag-asawa. Pero hindi niya alam na habang naghihintay siya ay nasa kandungan ito ng ibang babae.

There was a hint that he had another woman, but she had ignored it. Kahapon, bago pumasok sa trabaho si Russel ay may nag-text sa cellphone nito. He was in the shower and she was curious who it was. Dinampot niya ang cellphone at binuksan. At the last minute ay nagbago ang kanyang isipan. Papatayin na sana niya iyon nang muling may mag pop up na mensahe, it was from the same person. Hindi niya pinindot ang message pero nakikita niya ang mga ‘yon sa notification drawer.

“See you tonight at the meeting, I’ll make sure you’re satisfied,” ang laman ng message, it was from someone who named Allison.

Agad niyang ibinaba ang gadget nang hindi na marinig ang pagbuhos ng tubig mula sa banyo. Hudyat na tapos na itong maligo.

“Oh, you’re done,” aniya nang lumabas si Russel.

Tumalikod siya rito at nagkunwang inayos ang kama. “Anong oras ka makakauwi mamaya?” tanong niya. Surely, what she read was nothing.

“I’ll be late. We’ll have a dinner meeting.”

Tumango siya dahil alam niya kung gaano ito ka-busy sa trabaho. She didn’t even see him not working even just for a day. Palagi itong nasa opisina at kapag nasa bahay naman ay nasa loob ng library at may mga dokumento sa harapan.

“I trusted you,” she said and sobbed while holding Russel’s dress shirt as if he was in front of her. The pain in her chest was unbearable, she loved him so much that she doesn’t know what to do. “It hurts Russel, it hurts so much. Forgive me, please.”

The heaven must be punishing her for her sins. She drugged Russel, forcing him to sleep with her. He had no choice but to broke his engagement off and he ended up marrying her because she got pregnant.

“Please, love me,” she murmured, still hugging her husband’s clothe, tightly to her chest.