I wake up. It's morning. I slept through dinner again, unbelievable. It's 5:30 am, time to eat breakfast and head to the stable. The smell of horses first thing in the morning always calms me down.
I ride my bike to my aunt's house. She's about three miles away from me. The morning air feels cool and refreshing. I smell spring and feel the dampness of dew against my face.The stable has that deep aroma of fresh hay. Carmel, my companion, walks over to me and eats oats from the palm of my hand. I brush the knots out of his mane. I get ready to ride. The saddle feels like home. And off we go.The backwoods and the large river within them are my favorite places to be. This is my Narnia, away from everyone else. Carmel drinks the water from the stream. I check my watch. Damn, it's almost 7:00 AM.I take out my breakfast bar and eat it. I wish I weren't hungry. I hate feeling hungry. Hunger equals food. And food equals fat. I toss the breakfast bar in the river and decide not to eat. My body can have water later. I need to lose a few pounds. Selah and Sammy would try to convince me otherwise. But screw them; they aren't here. It's Carmel and me against the world.I run my fingers through his blonde mane. His tan coat shimmers in the morning sun. He's the perfect Palomino. Carmel is five years old, and my aunt bought him from a retired horse trainer. That's when I became interested in riding. I was ten and dreamt of giving lessons. And here I am still riding Carmel and giving lessons to elementary kids. I am still learning how to ride myself. Elementary kids are willing to listen to me. We come to the back river, my Narnia."Time to head home, Carmel," I say. We get back to the stable. Chad is waiting for me in the stable."Good morning, Natalie," Chad says.I blush. I really do love Chad. He's been with me for more than half of my life. But then I remember the text message, the one where he needed to talk soon. I get down from Carmel."Hello... Chad," I say with caution."You're acting funny," he notices."I'm good. Just hungry," I say."Listen...Natalie, we've known each other for a long time. And this is really hard to say..." Chad pauses and trails off."What, Chad? If you are going to break up with me, just do it already," I say."It's not that. Ummm... As you know, my dad lost his job. And my family isn't doing well financially. My parents have been making plans for us and our future. Yesterday, my parents decided that it would be best for everyone if we moved to New York. We will live with my grandparents. We are leaving in a week. This is all happening so fast," Chad stops."Well, what does that mean for us?" I ask."I don't know, Natalie. I'm willing to try long-distance if you are," Chad says."Chad... I really appreciate your wanting to make this work. But we are 15 and 16. Long-distance... that's hard on college couples. How the hell do you see that working out for us?" I ask.Well, I guess he wasn't going to dump me. But with this news, he might as well have."Can we try to make it work?" Chad begs.I look at him and want to believe we could be one of those high school sweetheart couples. But I don't see that happening."Let's enjoy our last week together and give me a day or two to think about this, Chad," I manage to say. He agrees, and I get in his car.He takes me to school. It's almost summer break. And all the plans I thought I would have with Chad don't matter anymore. All the fun moments I thought we would share are gone now. Taken from us, by a bad situation.We get to school. And nothing but silence is between us. I'm not mad. I'm not sad. I'm nothing. I'm an empty, hallowed, me... Withering away."It's going to be alright, Natalie. You'll see," Chad says."Thanks," I say, kissing him quickly. I get out of the car. I put my backpack on. Selah is calling my name, and I pretend I don't hear her."Nat, are you deaf?" Selah asks."What? Oh, sorry..." I stall."What's got you all upset? Did Chad break up with you?" Selah asks."Kind of," I say."Want to talk about it?" Selah asks."Chad's moving away in a week. And wants to do a long-distance relationship. So, we basically are breaking up," I say."You don't have to break up with Chad. Unless you want to..." Selah replies."I know, Selah. I do. But I'm fifteen. There's no way I can handle that. And can you keep a secret?" I ask. She nods, looking worried.I roll my sleeve up and show her my bite marks. They are purple, blue, and stupid. Why do I do this to myself? Just thinking about it forces me to dig in my purse. I pull out two large pieces of bubblegum and shove them in my face. Chomp...chomp...chomp...This gum tastes like leather."Don't stress about it, Natalie. You are young. If you need to dump Chad, then do it in person while he's here," Selah says."Good advice. Maybe so. I'm going to class," I say.I doodle in my notebook all day. I draw flowers and cats on my English test. Not sure a sunflower doodle was the correct answer to that Shakespeare question. Oh well. I tried.Art class is something I can get lost in. Mr. Henry has us making amateur pots again. The clay is smooth, wet, and chilly to the touch. It smells like pure earth. I make a pinch pot; it looks like an elementary 3rd grader designed it. The feeling of clay in my hands makes me feel like I have control over something. I don't have control of my dating life, my body image, or my dumb family. It's nice to be in control for once."You okay, Nat?" Mr. Henry asks."Yeah, why?" I ask."The bell rang 30 minutes ago. Don't you want to go home?" He asks."Not really. Can I stay ten more minutes and finish this pot?" I ask."Sure, here's soda for when you're done. If you ever need to chat. You can always find me," he says."Thanks, Mr. Henry," I say. He leaves the room.I finish the pot. It looks pathetic. This pot is how I feel. It's how the world feels to me right now. I place the pot on the drying rack and head to the sink. I look in the mirror next to the sink. The ugly duckling I've become glares back at me. I feel the daggers of my own judgment staring back at me from the mirror. Without thinking, I go back to the drying rack and grab my pot. I throw it as hard as I can in the mirror. The pot shatters around me, and the mirror cracks down the middle. Luckily, it's Friday, and no one is here to judge my stupid life choices."Natalie, what are you doing?" Aunt Tara sees me on the scale. I feel sheepish for standing on one. I know she admires me for it. It's an accomplishment, and we both know it."I've gained three pounds, Aunt Tara. It's been a long road. I'm ready to be healthy again. I'm ready to feel good about myself."Aunt Tara looks at me. She hands me a bowl of oatmeal. This is the test. I used to put it down the garbage disposal. I take the bowl and eat it slowly. It takes me 30 minutes to eat it all. But I did it. "I'm proud of you. I know that wasn't easy. But you are happier. How are you dealing with your other issue?"My other mountain to climb is my rape. Aunt Tara has a hard time saying those words to me. I have a hard time hearing them. Hearing them means it was real, that it wasn't all in my head."I don't know. I feel like I keep blocking it out. I don't want to ruin Collin and me. I know we were playing with fire when we had sex in Italy. I know I wasn't ready then. I just needed to be
A month goes by. I still haven't forgiven Mrs. Moore. I've needed space to heal. I've needed alone time. Collin has given me space. He takes me to therapy, the beach, and the tavern.Maria Byrd is still an ally for now. We talk about eating. We talk about Mrs. Moore. We talk about movies. It's hard to wrap my mind around all these people in my life. They are beautifully broken people. We are a community of broken puzzles, coming together to make our community picture whole. Imperfection is a beautiful thing.I get on the scale. 113. I'm gaining my weight back. I count calories like a drug addict. It's fucked up thinking. I'm obsessed with the numbers behind food. I'm scared of purging. The toilet used to be my temple. Now my eyes are focused on healing. If I don't heal now, I never will.This year has taught me to trust myself, to make friends, and to love again. Meeting Collin wasn't for nothing. He balanced my inner ying-yang with his peaceful heart. It's taken me to heaven and back
"How was your session?" Aunt Tara asks."Better than I expected. Where's Sammy?"Aunt Tara points toward the hallway door. I open it. Sammy appears along with Selah and Collin. "Selah, you're here?" I say while hugging her."I'm here. It's good to see you. Sorry, we haven't spoken since Italy. I told my mom everything in detail about Chad, the breakup, Collin, and your therapy. She's sorry. I think you need to hear that from her."Mrs. Moore walks toward me. She looks down, ashamed to admit she was in the wrong. I'm not sure I want her to be here. But I will be the better person. The world has called me to be the bigger person. I can be that for Selah."Hello, Mrs. Moore. How was your return journey?""It was awkward. I felt awful for saying all those harsh words to you. Of course, you need Selah right now. I know I'm not a gentlewoman. I have never been. But I will try better to understand whatever it is you're going through. I'm sorry I took Selah away from you. Will you forgive me
Two weeks pass. Selah still hasn't said a word to me. I can't believe it. Her mother defeated her-no fair. I'm over the summer. It's been nice going with Collin to pools and beaches. But I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for the chilly air, pumpkin carvings, and apple cider.School is around the corner. I wish Collin weren't homeschooled. He could protect me in the halls. I know Selah will talk to me at school. She's probably waiting for the death of summer to rekindle our friendship. Her mother was a terrible bitch. It's not her fault.I touch the half-heart necklace. It reminds me of Selah. Wow, my birthday was shit this year. Collin and Aunt Tara took me horseback riding as promised. But without Selah, it was hopeless.My sister is glad to see me head back to school. I've been riding Carmel a lot lately. My beautiful horse takes me to all the hidden trails. I forgot about most of them.I'll be starting therapy soon. I am not looking forward to that at all. I don't want to face my ghost
Jet lag is the single most terrible feeling on earth. It's like experiencing 18 daylight savings changes all at once. Being drunk is more fun. It's 3 am. How on earth did I nap this long?Sammy is still in the room. I'm glad she's here. I know what they say about 3 am.They call it the witching hour—the hour of ghosts and ghouls. I know ghosts are real.Mine lives upstairs in the untouchable room, my room. His name is Chad Jefferson. His physical body is in prison, but his spirit dwells within those walls.I never want to open that door again. No amount of therapy will ever make me.When one door closes, another door opens. I don't know if I believe that overly used phrase. What if my life is a hallway with millions of doors, and they are all locked? Where is the key?The door on my time with Chad has closed. I'm in a hallway, waiting for the next door to open. The next window cracked open will invite me in. Dating Collin was by chance. The door was ajar that day. It was never fully o
I arrive at the airport. Sammy greets me. It's so good to see my big sister again. I almost forgot I had one. With all the drama that Italy was, I forgot other people liked me."I'm sorry your trip had to end so quickly, " Sammy says."I'm not. I'll tell you later. Bottom line..." Aunt Tara cuts me off."That Moore woman is a bitch, " Aunt Tara says."Go, Aunt Tara, " Collin says."COLLIN, " Aunt Tara barks.Collin blushes and retreats into his hoodie like a turtle going into its shell."What happened?" Sammy says."Let's just say Mrs. Moore has no compassion for anyone whatsoever. She thinks I'm a problem, and now she doesn't want Selah and me to be friends anymore. Fuck her, " I shout for the entire airport to hear."Are you ready to go home?" Sammy asks while handing all of us Starbucks."Thanks for the coffee, darling. And yes, get us out of here, please, " Aunt Tara says.We are silent in the car. We are exhausted and ready to get on with life. Today would have been another Itali