I wake up. It's morning. I slept through dinner again, unbelievable. It's 5:30 am, time to eat breakfast and head to the stable. The smell of horses first thing in the morning always calms me down.
I ride my bike to my aunt's house. She's about three miles away from me. The morning air feels cool and refreshing. I smell spring and feel the dampness of dew against my face.The stable has that deep aroma of fresh hay. Carmel, my companion, walks over to me and eats oats from the palm of my hand. I brush the knots out of his mane. I get ready to ride. The saddle feels like home. And off we go.The backwoods and the large river within them are my favorite places to be. This is my Narnia, away from everyone else. Carmel drinks the water from the stream. I check my watch. Damn, it's almost 7:00 AM.I take out my breakfast bar and eat it. I wish I weren't hungry. I hate feeling hungry. Hunger equals food. And food equals fat. I toss the breakfast bar in the river and decide not to eat. My body can have water later. I need to lose a few pounds. Selah and Sammy would try to convince me otherwise. But screw them; they aren't here. It's Carmel and me against the world.I run my fingers through his blonde mane. His tan coat shimmers in the morning sun. He's the perfect Palomino. Carmel is five years old, and my aunt bought him from a retired horse trainer. That's when I became interested in riding. I was ten and dreamt of giving lessons. And here I am still riding Carmel and giving lessons to elementary kids. I am still learning how to ride myself. Elementary kids are willing to listen to me. We come to the back river, my Narnia."Time to head home, Carmel," I say. We get back to the stable. Chad is waiting for me in the stable."Good morning, Natalie," Chad says.I blush. I really do love Chad. He's been with me for more than half of my life. But then I remember the text message, the one where he needed to talk soon. I get down from Carmel."Hello... Chad," I say with caution."You're acting funny," he notices."I'm good. Just hungry," I say."Listen...Natalie, we've known each other for a long time. And this is really hard to say..." Chad pauses and trails off."What, Chad? If you are going to break up with me, just do it already," I say."It's not that. Ummm... As you know, my dad lost his job. And my family isn't doing well financially. My parents have been making plans for us and our future. Yesterday, my parents decided that it would be best for everyone if we moved to New York. We will live with my grandparents. We are leaving in a week. This is all happening so fast," Chad stops."Well, what does that mean for us?" I ask."I don't know, Natalie. I'm willing to try long-distance if you are," Chad says."Chad... I really appreciate your wanting to make this work. But we are 15 and 16. Long-distance... that's hard on college couples. How the hell do you see that working out for us?" I ask.Well, I guess he wasn't going to dump me. But with this news, he might as well have."Can we try to make it work?" Chad begs.I look at him and want to believe we could be one of those high school sweetheart couples. But I don't see that happening."Let's enjoy our last week together and give me a day or two to think about this, Chad," I manage to say. He agrees, and I get in his car.He takes me to school. It's almost summer break. And all the plans I thought I would have with Chad don't matter anymore. All the fun moments I thought we would share are gone now. Taken from us, by a bad situation.We get to school. And nothing but silence is between us. I'm not mad. I'm not sad. I'm nothing. I'm an empty, hallowed, me... Withering away."It's going to be alright, Natalie. You'll see," Chad says."Thanks," I say, kissing him quickly. I get out of the car. I put my backpack on. Selah is calling my name, and I pretend I don't hear her."Nat, are you deaf?" Selah asks."What? Oh, sorry..." I stall."What's got you all upset? Did Chad break up with you?" Selah asks."Kind of," I say."Want to talk about it?" Selah asks."Chad's moving away in a week. And wants to do a long-distance relationship. So, we basically are breaking up," I say."You don't have to break up with Chad. Unless you want to..." Selah replies."I know, Selah. I do. But I'm fifteen. There's no way I can handle that. And can you keep a secret?" I ask. She nods, looking worried.I roll my sleeve up and show her my bite marks. They are purple, blue, and stupid. Why do I do this to myself? Just thinking about it forces me to dig in my purse. I pull out two large pieces of bubblegum and shove them in my face. Chomp...chomp...chomp...This gum tastes like leather."Don't stress about it, Natalie. You are young. If you need to dump Chad, then do it in person while he's here," Selah says."Good advice. Maybe so. I'm going to class," I say.I doodle in my notebook all day. I draw flowers and cats on my English test. Not sure a sunflower doodle was the correct answer to that Shakespeare question. Oh well. I tried.Art class is something I can get lost in. Mr. Henry has us making amateur pots again. The clay is smooth, wet, and chilly to the touch. It smells like pure earth. I make a pinch pot; it looks like an elementary 3rd grader designed it. The feeling of clay in my hands makes me feel like I have control over something. I don't have control of my dating life, my body image, or my dumb family. It's nice to be in control for once."You okay, Nat?" Mr. Henry asks."Yeah, why?" I ask."The bell rang 30 minutes ago. Don't you want to go home?" He asks."Not really. Can I stay ten more minutes and finish this pot?" I ask."Sure, here's soda for when you're done. If you ever need to chat. You can always find me," he says."Thanks, Mr. Henry," I say. He leaves the room.I finish the pot. It looks pathetic. This pot is how I feel. It's how the world feels to me right now. I place the pot on the drying rack and head to the sink. I look in the mirror next to the sink. The ugly duckling I've become glares back at me. I feel the daggers of my own judgment staring back at me from the mirror. Without thinking, I go back to the drying rack and grab my pot. I throw it as hard as I can in the mirror. The pot shatters around me, and the mirror cracks down the middle. Luckily, it's Friday, and no one is here to judge my stupid life choices.I get home. It's the weekend. I want to sleep. Sleep makes my boredom pass. After an hour, my mother knocks on the door."You okay, Natalie?" My mother asks.As usual, she can tell something is wrong. And, of course, I am obligated to respond. Why is she, my interrogator? It gets old. It comes from the love she has for me, barf. Maryanne and I used to be close. But then, as Sammy and I grew up, she favored Sammy. She always chose Sammy. Sammy forever!That's why my dad is my favorite parent. He's there for me. I understand my mom is attempting to cover the "hole" in Sammy's life. The hole that her loser dad walking out on her has created. But nothing can fill it. Not even water. If anything, water makes holes deeper over time with erosion. That's my mom. She's the water in Sammy's life. Making it harder for her to be normal and move on. My mom erodes her daughter's away with her false praise."If you want to know, mom... I might break up with Chad," I finally say after minutes of noth
Chad leaves. And I feel like shit for breaking up with him. I mourn the summer we will not have together—my stomach aches and churns from the breakup. I will regret this breakup in the morning.I look at the clock; it turns from 1 to 4 am in five minutes. I can't sleep. I walk downstairs into the kitchen to see what alcoholic filth and flavors are available for my underage sorrows.I sneak down the stairs, pausing with each step. I hold my breath in. I don't want anyone to see, hear, or know I exist on the stairs. I want an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. To disappear into the air and not be viewed by anyone. That must be nice.I go into the alcohol stash my mom has hidden away. She thinks I don't know about it. But I always have. I remember her pulling the toaster oven back and finding that moveable wall tile. And behind the tile, alcohol.I pull the tile aside and find the honey-colored whiskey. I grab one of my dad's shot glasses from his travel collection. The shot glass say
It's happened again-me, forcing my dumb ass to throw up. I head into the bathroom and use the mouth wash to hide the after-taste of vomit.I go into my sister's closet to grab a large hoodie, to feel normal again. Her bedroom is neat, pink, and uncluttered. She has her life together more than I ever will. I see the plethora of teen gossip, fashion, and prom magazines scattered on her bed.I sit on Sammy's bed. The models are perfect. Their eyes all different shades and hues. I will never look like these beautiful Amazonian women. I look like me, but with the circumference of Jupiter as my waistline. The thought of my weight makes me never want to eat again.I don't trust the numbers on my sister's broken scale. It's off by 40 pounds. It says I weigh 110. When I know, I'm 150. I know what deceit looks like. I wish she would buy a new one that works.Another reason I don't want to get a license. I don't want a mug shot taken. Who needs their mug shot and weight amount on the same damn p
I wake up sober. Sunday has a better vibe to it than Saturday. I look around my room and see Selah sleeping. I sneak out of my room and tiptoe quietly to the door. The door squeaks behind me. Go figure. Maryanne, my mom, has made coffee. I haven't seen dad in a while. He's been on a business trip.I grab two ugly poodle-shaped mugs and fill them with hot chocolate and coffee. I hike back to my room and find Selah awake. The coffee is hot as hell, and I almost spill it on her. She grabs the coffee from my hands."Thanks, Nat. So, have you had the chance to ask your parents about Italy? I still want you to go," Selah says."Umm, not yet. It's been a lot of drama, with the breakup and my job interview. I still have a few months to ask. Don't worry, I will. Promise," I say.Selah grabs a towel from my small closet. She unzips her backpack and gets her fancy salon shampoo out."I'm going to shower," she says."That's fine," I say.I sit on my bed. Cinnamon cuddles me and purrs. She knocks
Monday morning arrives. Chad has three days left until he moves. I don't want to see him. It will make it harder for me. If I don't see Chad, I won't be sad. Seeing Chad means feeling, crying, and yuck.Maryanne comes into my room. Half the time, I call her mom, and the other half Maryanne. Lately, she's been the distant Maryanne type. When she tries to get close to me, she's mom. When she favors Sammy, she's Maryanne. I wish dad were back from his pointless business trip.As Maryanne comes in, I decide to fake sick. I can always sneak out later and ride Carmel into the deep dark woods. I pull my legs into my stomach and decide my stomach has the flips."Good morning, Natalie. It's time for school," Maryanne says."I don't feel well," I lie. She feels my head, checks my pulse, and gets me water."Is this about Chad?" She asks."Yes..." I say. I give my mom the satisfaction of guessing correctly."Oh, don't you worry, honey. You can have a mental health day. Take your time. I know you a
A few days pass, and Chad is almost gone. Selah doesn't know about Collin Abernathy. There's nothing wrong with having a secret friend. She didn't like Collin in grade school anyway, and she won't like him now.I focus on school and take notes for once. I flunk my English test. I guess drawing pictures all over it was, in fact, a horrible idea.Chad and I don't talk. Seeing him will make my sad feelings surface. Is Collin, right? Is Chad a big dumbass? Chad's been my best guy friend for so long. I guess I never considered other guys don't normally shoplift or smoke. Has he really had a bad influence on me? Or have I been a bad influence on him? I text Collin in my study hall.Me: Where are you?Collin: At work. Why?Me: Can we hang later this week?Collin: Really?Me: Yes...why?Collin: Thought you didn't like me.Me: I do.Collin: When does your boyfriend leave town?Me: He leaves tomorrow.Collin: How about I see you after Mr. BF is gone.Me: Collin... he is NOT my bf.Collin: Whate
Where am I? Ugh, my head. Oh right, I crashed at Collin's house. Oh my gosh, I... CRASHED...AT...COLLIN'S HOUSE...Why do I do this to myself?I decided to find a new outfit. The dresser appears to have an outfit laid out for me. It's a sundress and leggings.Okay, I hate dresses. But its clothes and I can work with them. At least they come with leggings.I walk downstairs and feel like an idiot. My eyes find Collin's light green ones. I catch my breath. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be sad about Chad leaving."I see you found a new outfit. My mom laid it out for you," Collin says.Does his mom know I'm here? Shit."What did you tell her?" I ask."That you were studying at the tavern too late and needed a place to crash," Collin says."I don't know what to say," I reply."How about thank you," he says. He comes over to me and pulls down my jaw with his hand."It's easy. Thank...you," he repeats, moving my jaw up and down to get me to say his words back to him.But I'm
I head back into my house. Luckily, it's early in the morning, and I can change into an outfit that is more me. The smell of coffee is coming from the kitchen. I grab a mug, and as I'm turning around, I see my dad. He smiles, that big smile of his."Good morning, dad," I say."Hi, Natalie. Your mom explained everything to me. I'm not buying it. Who is that boy? And what does he want with you?" My dad asks like he's a member of the British Royal Guard."It's fine, dad. It's Collin Abernathy, from grade school. We've been catching up this week. I was lost last night, and he found me. His family took me in for the night, and I'm back safely," I tell him half the truth. I can't admit I was drunk last night."What does Chad have to say about Collin?" Dad asks."Is this a police investigation? Well, I guess you were gone a long time. Sorry, dad. To catch you up, I dumped Chad. He is moving to New York. I had a job interview at Penna Bakery. I start this weekend as a cashier," I say."Okay,