Planet of the Rich and Stupid

Present Day...

“CARL! WE’RE HERE!” Dave shakes Carl awake. He must’ve fell asleep and was just dreaming. But one look into his bag with the manual peeking out ever so slightly and it hit him—the stuff that went down between him and the real Carl were very much real. And there was no easy way out of this.

“Alright gentlemen, welcome to planet of the rich and stupid! Also known as our school. Carl, I know what you’re thinking and yes, we’re late and also no I cannot call Ryan Reynolds to bail you out of this one. Judge Louis will probably kill you anyways because you don’t even have an argument prepared,” Orville says plainly and Carl slams his head into his hands.

Why out of all days does it have to be today that I’m late?! This is the most important hearing of my life! Or at least that’s what the manual said.

“Dad, cheer up! At least it’s sunny! And the boys from the volleyball team are out practicing on the field today,” Dave says innocently. Carl didn’t even catch that he had once again called him dad, although at this point it wouldn’t have been an issue. Even back in Leaf Springs, Carl was used to being the dad of the friend group. He couldn’t get away from that part of his identity at least.

I wonder how things are going back home, Carl thought.

It was a weird thing to have to explain to his parents but once they saw how much Carl would be paid for all this, they were more than willing to let their son impersonate a celebrity lawyer.

Coming back to current reality though, Carl looks out the window and sure enough the boys’ volleyball team was there but it didn’t have an effect on him. After all, none of them could compare to Carl’s massive crush on Kyle McLartney.

Kyle was the host of the school’s favorite radio show, ACP Weekly, president of the Ashley Tisdale appreciation club and the legend who successfully summoned Hilary Duff at last year’s pep rally. The man was unstoppable. It was inspiring to Carl.

The only problem?

In big red block letters, the manual had an entire page that just says, “STAY AWAY FROM KYLE MCLARTNEY. THAT SLUT KNOWS TOO MUCH.”

No explanation was given but there was a cute picture of Kyle glued underneath.

Carl wasn’t sure that the last part was necessary as he had yet to witness any slutty behavior from Kyle but then again, none of this was necessary.

So, what does Kyle know that the real Carl doesn’t want me to?

On the reality end of Carl’s daydreaming, Dave sighs and drags his unofficial dad out of the car. Carl didn’t even notice that all the boys had already left the vehicle and were halfway across the courtyard.

“DAD, WE’RE GONNA BE LATE FOR HELL!”

The two made a dash for the school’s entrance and after going down a couple corridors found themselves at a pair of dark brown doors with the school’s crest engraved on it in gold. On the left side of the door was a shiny plaque that read

ACP Courtroom

“Where you can sue as long as you don’t sue us.”

- Est. 1999

Accurate, Carl thought before opening the doors, revealing the entire student body, faculty and Judge Louis staring right at him and his client who was turning to make a run for it.

Having sensed this coming from a mile away, Carl yanks Dave back towards the direction of the courtroom and drops him off at the defendant’s stand, where Carl anxiously takes his place right next to him.

The courtroom was massive, very official-looking and full of frantic energy as the student body began to whisper and gossip.

“How nice of you to join us Mr. Cosgrove and Mr. Owens. Mr. Cosgrove, I’ll have a word with you once this hearing is over,” Judge Louis says in a serious tone.

Judge Louis was always serious and always in dire need of a vacation from this fucking weird place. One time, when the courtroom was accidentally set on fire by someone trying to connect their PC so they could play Sims 4, Judge Louis had only one thing to say to the students:

“I wish I could forget all of you.”

It was said in the most sincere voice, as if this was his last dying wish.

Ever since then, Carl knew better than to joke around with the poor burnt out 18-year-old and to just accept his fate. Most likely, it would be detention.

As long as they’re not throwing a High School Musical sing along like the last time, I’ll be okay.

“Ash Cannon students, staff and faculty—we are gathered here today to witness the homicide of Dave Owen’s career. All those in favor,” Judge Louis’s voice booms out to the courtroom before being stopped by a voice—

“FRIDAY NIGHT AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOWWWW,” A innocent looking freshman whom Carl had never seen before in his life was singing and walking down the center of the room.

“LOOKING OUT FOR A PLACE TO GO,” Another freshman got up from the seat next to the walking boy, continuing the song the other freshman had started.

A lot of excited murmurs could be heard from the student body. They weren’t prepared, but they know.

“Again?!”

“OHMYGOD I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG.”

“Chelsea, you owe me five bucks.”

The weirdness continued with five more boys coming down the center aisle, joining the others who were now singing at the front of the courtroom.

Carl recognized two of the boys, Thomas and Orville! Thomas waves at Carl and Carl waves back, confused but grateful for whatever the fuck was happening. At least it gave him time to save his client and hopefully the entire Rock Camp franchise.

Before Judge Louis could call the school security, Dancing Queen by ABBA began to blare out from the school’s speakers.

The whole courtroom erupted into cheers. The boys began doing dance moves that made this whole setup look like an initiation into a cult, while the girls just sighed and continued to be unbothered with this entire situation.

Welcome to a typical Tuesday at Ash Cannon Prep.

“NO! NO, STOP! NO, THAT’S NOT HOW THE CHOREGRAPHY GOES—STOP! NO, DON’T DO THE SPLITS—PIROUTTE! PIROUTTE, ORVILLE!” Judge Louis cries from his podium.

From his right, Lexi, one of the security guards leans into Judge Louis and asks, “Sir, do you want us to tackle them?”

As if remembering that he’s a judge and shouldn’t be condoning this shit in the first place, Judge Louis looks at Lexi with a defeated expression.

“No, there’s too many of them.”

Then gathering up the last bit of his will to live, Judge Louis exclaims,

“SILENCE IN MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ COURT!”

And just like that, all the ABBA hijinks came to an abrupt halt.

“You forgot a verse, so detention for all of you. Also, everyone knows that all ABBA songs are banned from this school because of what happened in the sixth grade. NOW GET OUT OF MY COURTROOM, THIS HEARING IS NOW ADJOURNED BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED.”

Carl sighed a sigh of massive relief. He had been touched by the ABBA gods. The fake kid lawyer had survived yet another catastrophe.

As if on cue, the school bell ringed, signifying the five-minute passing period before the students’ next class.

Which was Debate 101.

The classroom was quiet, fully enchanted by the one and only Dave Owens, who was giving a powerful presentation called “Give me an A please, my grade and my self-esteem need it.”

“And is it a coincidence that Britney Spears was born in the same month as God? I think not! BRITNEY FOR PRESIDENT 2025!” Dave proclaims to the class and the whole room erupts into applause.

Mr. Dante, who was one of Britney’s backup dancers back in the day, shed a tear before saying,

“Thank you Dave, that was beautiful! Next, we have Stella Holt and her essay on…”

The class was supposed to be taking notes on their laptops about each person’s speech and what they took away from it but instead they were on their own personal chatroom that Orville had coded for them a while back:

hsm2_was_the_best_one (Carl): guys, what the hell was that?

Orvilles-sidehoe12 (Thomas): that was saving ur ass dude

thomas-needs-tochangehisusernameoriwillkillhim (Orville): yeah and ur lucky Remi’s not back from vacation yet

killhoe$_g3tmoney (Dave): those singing freshmen cost a lot tho, you gonna venmo me or something

hsm2_was_the_best_one: dave what the fuck you used my credit card for that, i ain’t paying you back shit

killhoe$_getmoney: yeah so what- I’m ur son so I’m also ur financial responsibility

Carl was about to throw virtual hands with Dave when—

BLAM!

The door to the classroom swung right open—

And right through those doors came the holy trinity, the elite it girls of ACP:

First, there was Britney Carey. Easily the nicest out of the three. With a heart of gold and a sweet and unique singing voice, she was the ultimate pop star of this generation. She waved and about ten people in the class waved back. She was recently voted fan favorite at the Teen Choice Awards and with her sunny disposition and insane charm, it wasn’t hard to see why.

Then there was Mariah Spears. Reserved, but if you’re special, she’s got a soft spot for you. She was accompanied by her butler Mitchell and her bodyguard Ezekiel. As she sat at her desk, removing her diva sunglasses, Mitchell offered her a glass of lemonade while Ezekiel scared off some poor guy trying to pass her a love note.

The boys turned to look at each other, terrified out of their minds.

Britney and Mariah? Actually attending class? And they never traveled without their leader.

Which meant only one thing.

Remi Movato walked in, looking as diabolical as ever.

Where to begin with Remi Movato? She was a psycho. She was a bitch. She was the worst skank you’d ever meet in your life. And also, the best skank you’d ever meet in your life. One time, she impersonated Orville and infiltrated the friend group for a month until anybody noticed. Her reasoning? Because she could. When she wasn’t being the spawn of Satan, she was starring in a teen soap opera called The Werewolf Chronicles. All anybody ever did in that show was look hot and say cringy ass shit. Remi’s character did both of those things and was the daughter of a former werewolf transformed into a vampire via a messy ass love triangle and some voodoo witch shit.

The demonic starlet made her way towards Carl and the gang. The boys looked at each other, unsure of what to do. Dave looked ready to have the ultimate bitch fight, knowing it was inevitable anyways. He may have stolen her man but according to him, with ratchet ass hair like that it was bound to happen anyways.

Carl was trying to think of a solution to defuse the situation, as the manual had a whole section dedicated to Remi and what would happen (in great excruciatingly painful detail) if she was challenged.

Dave, having no self-control, said the first thing that came to mind:

“Hey, skank! Kevin’s not here but I can take a message,” he says, with the biggest smile on his face.

“What did you just call me?” Remi scoffs, coming dangerously close to Dave’s face.

“Bitch, if you’re gonna get that close, at least take a breath mint beforehand!”

“Listen you man-stealing son of a beyotch- I will make sure you and your friends are miserable for the rest of your sad lives. In fact, I already have,” Remi then turns to the rest of the classroom, “May I have everyone’s attention please? Eyes on the projector screen.”

The projector screen was blank but Carl knew that whatever she was about to announce, it wasn’t going to be good news.

“So, as you all know, my dad is the creative director of the school play this year. As a requirement to graduate, everyone will have to participate. I was thinking and I really do believe we should talk about what happened in the sixth grade. So, this year’s play is…”

Orville looks worried out of his mind. This crazy bitch better not say what I think she’s going to say.

Thomas looks worried as well. Thomas was easily the most chill out of the group so if Thomas was worried, then you knew it was bad.

“Rock Camp 3!” Remi finishes enthusiastically.

The classroom suddenly went into flight or fight mode.

“FUCK!”

“Isn’t that the one that was so bad it got deleted from the canon storyline?”

“Fuck this, I’m transferring schools.”

“Aww, I wish we were doing Rock Camp 5. That one’s banned in twenty countries!”

Orville turns to the boys and motions them to come closer, creating a huddle.

“Okay, so the plan is this: we gotta kidnap Remi Movato and get her to change the school musical,” Orville says in a rush.

“Cool, I’m in. But how are we gonna do that?” Thomas asks nonchalantly. This was nothing new. Kidnapping was Orville’s go to method for all his grand schemes.

“Well, tonight there’s a party at Kyle McLartney’s house. She’ll be there. We infiltrate the party somehow and then kidnap her ass. Here, I’ll write a list of things for you guys to get so we can carry the plan out.”

The team huddle broke, and Orville began scribbling furiously on a piece of paper.

He then handed it to Carl—

“I trust that you’ll get the job done,” he says and Carl nods.

After all, he needed this plan to work. Because when it came to the 6th grade, the manual only had one thing to say about it:

“If anyone asks, you know nothing about what happened in the sixth grade. We don’t under any circumstances bring up that year.”

Carl wondered what was so bad about the sixth grade. Only time would reveal the events of that painful time.

Looking back on it, Carl wished he had never wondered at all.