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Chapter Seventeen
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Fear of Loss Chapter Eighteen
Monday, January 24, 2022 6:29 a.m.I’m still sitting on my room’s floor, crying. I can’t sleep till now. I’m too afraid. I’m unable to do anything. I’m having headache and body pain but I can’t move even to take a pain killer. I don’t need anything. I just want my family back. I can’t accept that I lost my family. I have lost everything. I lost my childhood. I lost my family. I lost my love. I lost my happiness. I lost my emotions. I lost my feelings. The only thing I gained is a fear. Fear of loss.And with this fear I can’t live happily. I just can’t. I want to die. I don’t want to be lonely.God.God please kill me.I can’t live with this fucking pain.The door bell rings. I don’t move. The door bell again rings. I can’t move. I stand up with the help of edge of bed. I move toward mirror, set my condition and wipe out my tears. I’m still same. I can’t show anyone my emotions and feelings because I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I pretend to be strong. But I’m not. I’m
Fear of Loss Chapter Nineteen
Three months later: Monday, April 18, 2022 6: 15 a.m. I wake up and watch time and a small yawn passes from my lips. I step out of bed, sit on bed for a while. I get myself ready to run. I wear my running shoes and dress, grab a bottle of water and leave the home. I inhale a fresh air and starts running. I really feel better running in the morning. It fades away all the tiredness, sorrows and pains from my life for some time. It helps me to heal somehow. I enter home after I finished my run. I move toward my room and go to bathroom, brush my teeth. I then take a shower and come out of bathroom. I dry my hair and quickly get ready for the school. I come out of my room and sit on dinning table to have some breakfast. “Good morning.” Olivia says. “Hello, how are you?” I ask. She tells me that she is okay and asks about me. I tell her that I’m good. It’s been three months that I and Olivia have accepted each other but I don’t call her as mom and she doesn’t call me her daugh
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty
Tuesday, April 19, 2022 10: 20 a.m.I wake up and watch the clock. I shut my eyes and then suddenly open the eyes. I watch time again. Oh shit. I wake up and put my hands on my head. I’m too late for school. I was too tired last night that’s why I can’t wake up early. I’m not in the mood to go to school late so I decide to take a leave today. I step out of bed and go to bathroom, take a shower and go downstairs to have some breakfast. I take some breakfast from refrigerator and starts eating and have some orange juice. Olivia isn’t here. She must be at shop. I watch T.V for some time. I’m getting bore. I go to my room and check out the book shelf but I don’t have books to read. I have already read all the books. I’m free and I don’t like to be free. I want some work to do. I don’t know what to do now. I enter in kitchen and think about cooking. But I don’t know how to cook. Oh God I feel boredom.“What should I do now?”I mumble. I think for a while and then decide to join Olivi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty One
Tuesday, April 19, 2022 5: 10 p.m.I’m on my counter, receiving orders again, and looking here and there, if he is here or not. I’m too afraid of him. I’m thinking about him all the time that why he is here. I can’t focus on my work and my body is still shivering. My hands are shaking while writing orders. But I have to do work. I can’t leave. I fear that if I go to home now and if he is here, he will follow me up to the home and I don’t want it to happen.“Emma.”Olivia says behind me. I turn around.“Can you please do me a favor?”She asks. I nod.“Can you please go to this address for decoration. I’m too busy, I can’t go. I have some important meeting and you know that…..”“We don’t disappoint our customers.”I say without allowing her to complete her sentence. She laughs.“Don’t worry, I will manage it.”I say and grab the address from her hand and it’s birthday theme in this order. I’m not sure that I can manage it or not but I can’t say no to her as I myself ask her to app
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I can’t get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. I’m feeling really tired. I even can’t open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as I’m feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I can’t. I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I don’t know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I can’t decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.“No, it’s not like that.’I say. I don’t know she believes it or not but right now I don’t want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.“Alright take care of yourself.”She says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isn’t with me right now and he’ll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I can’t bear that he hates me but it’s right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didn’t tell him when I m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I don’t run from some days. I don’t know why but I’m changing day by day. I’m getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her house’s door. She runs toward me. Oh God.“Hello, where are you going?”She asks. I don’t reply to her. I know it’s rude but this girl is too much talkative and I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t know that why she isn’t getting this that I’m not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I don’t. She thinks that I’m nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. It’s all m
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