Fear of Loss

“Everyone has some kind of fear, some have fear of death, some people have fear of life and many other fears people do have but I believe that fear of losing someone is a biggest fear.”

Wednesday, April 20,2022

             2:40 a.m.

I stand up from chair and look around the room, controlling my tears and squeeze my eyes shut.

“No this isn’t possible.”

“I shouldn’t allow anyone in my life.”

I say desperately. I start throwing everything across the room. I’m struggling to take a breath but I can’t breath. I throw all the dresses out of dresser. I start weeping, my voice couldn’t come out of my throat. My whole body begins to shake, I kneel down slowly, grip the bedsheet tightly. I head down on the edge of my bed and start screaming. I totally feel hopeless and the fear can easily be seen in my eyes and through my body movement as I’m shaking and my body is out of my control. I want to scream badly. I want to stay away from everyone, everything. I badly want to go far from everything and every person. I don’t know anything but I just want to leave this place as soon as possible. I want to go a place, where no one can see me, no one can observe me, and I don’t know where that place is but I badly want that place.

“I hate everyone.”

“I hate myself.”

The sound echoes in my mind. The sound can’t come out of my throat. I again throwing everything and kick up everything which come in front of me. I can’t breath. I’m struggling to take a breath. I’m trying to take a deep breath but I can’t inhale oxygen. I stand up slowly with the help of bed’s edge. I walk to my window and open it with my shaking hands. I watch up towards the sky and take a deep breath. I see the stars which are getting blur due to my tears filled in my eyes. Everything I watch is blur.

“Why am I crying why?”

I question myself, wiping out my tears with my sleeves. Now I can clearly see the stars and everything which was getting blur a few moments ago.

“I don’t need to cry.”

“I’m damn strong.”

I take a deep breath and still staring at the stars which are shinning and looking beautiful but who the hell cares about their beauty here. I’m just staring at them, not focusing on them. My mind isn’t here, my soul is also not here. Only my body is here which is out of my control.

“Why the hell am I crying?”

I again question myself and this time I’m laughing at my condition. I don’t know this is the time to laugh or not but I laugh. I’m  getting mad, I don’t know what the hell is going on with me. I can’t understand my situation. Whether I should laugh or not. Whether I should cry or not. I don’t know what should I do. My emotions are out of my control. I walked towards the mirror, looking at my condition. My hair is in bad condition. It seems that I haven’t comb my hair since long. My face is red and swallowing. I don’t care about my condition. I walk away from mirror and sit down on bed. I sit quietly for a while taking deep breaths. The depressed thoughts come in my mind again. I put my hands on my face and scream.

“Why?”

“Why?”

I scream and tighten my hands on my face for a while. I slowly put down my hands and look around my room. I fix my eyes on the dresses which I have thrown.

“I need to leave.”

“I should leave.”

“Now.”

I stand up and walk over the things scattered in my room. I open the door of my room and walk outside the home. I haven’t put my shoes on. I walk fast as fast as I can. I start running over the road. I stop when I feel exhausted, I feel dehydrated. When I see park at a little distance, I walk slowly towards park. I enter in park and sit down on a bench. I see around the park and inhale the oxygen. There is no one in park as it’s too late. I feel good to be alone. At least for now, no one can see me while I’m crying. I don’t want anyone’s existence right now. My tears start flowing slowly and I start sobbing.  I sit for an hour in park and constantly thinking about the solution to my problems without wiping out my tears, but I can’t find any solution. Suddenly the rain starts. I look towards the sky. I sigh and then look down to the grass which is getting wet slowly and slowly. The rain is getting heavier. I also become wet but I can’t feel it. I continuously thinking.

“Hey you should leave now, the rain is getting heavier”

I stop thinking when a voice collide with my ears. The voice comes from the backside, I wipe out my tears, turn backside and see a watchman of park is standing behind me.  I don’t know from where he comes. When I entered park there was no one. He is watching me and waiting for my response. I say nothing, stand up and walk away from the park.

I walk slowly towards my home. I walk hopelessly. I reach home and open the door.

“Where the hell were you?”

My step mother questions loudly. She is looking at me. I look into her eyes, her eyes are full of questions. I don’t reply and stepping towards my room.

“Don’t you understand? I’m talking to you.”

She yells at me. I don’t stop and walking up to the stairs. I’m not in the condition to answer her any of the question and I even don’t want to talk to her. She follows me up to my room. I sit down on chair.

“Change the bloody wet dress and then go to sleep or hell”

She says in an anger. She leave the room and shut the door behind me.