4. REMEMBER 2

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

July 2021

ICE

The tragedy that happened to my family was two years ago. After a week of unconsciousness, I woke up in the hospital in Rio de Janeiro and not in Illinois. 

I was screaming and frustrated to get even. Enraged by hatred, all I felt inside me, I wanna kill the people who bombed my family. I wanted to return to Illinois to see my wife and daughter, but my father didn’t allow me, and even my mother could not do anything to help me. Mama said she knew my pain, but it was the decision of my father that I needed to oblige. 

I just watched my wife and daughter's funeral in a video taken secretly by my father's men for me... for me... so I have seen them even though I should be there. Funny, but I was buried too with them... 

No one from the Ferreiras and the Silvas wanted me to execute my revenge, for I was already declared dead. Not me, but my other personality; the Math teacher Isidro Andrade, Libby's husband, and Millie's father. 

Isidro Andrade, me, died that night, and papa said that it was the situation that was helping me.

The fact is, I didn’t use my real last name when I married Libby. I used my mother’s last name, Andrade. I gritted my teeth for the hate I felt for myself. I lied to Libby until she died. I thought lying about my true family could save them from my chaotic life as a mafioso, but they were still targeted and killed. 

I was told that... when papa was informed that I was dead too in the report of the Illinois police, they let it. He said it was better like that, so they could find me more accessible and not connect me with my family’s tragic death. They looked for me discreetly in all hospitals in Illinois, but they couldn’t find me and thought the probability that I might die too. 

But, two days after the bombing incident, a woman sends a voice message to FSO’s headquarters… telling them that if they want to find me, I am in another state. The woman who made the voice message brought me there. 

In Wisconsin. 

Papa is right... I should look for the brighter side of it and not on the opposite. I got my father's point, of course... but I can't forget, and I won't forgive those who put my family to their demise.

A tear fell on my cheek that I left there for a while before I wiped it. That was two years ago, but the pain was still inside me like it was yesterday. 

The pain. 

The guilt. 

And the hatred... for the mastermind of my family’s demise. 

They should kill me and not let me live, for I will surely hunt them all down!

I gritted my teeth in anger while remembering everything that night. Those Italians and that woman... 

That woman who looks like—

“Ice…” 

I turned my face to my right side as I glanced at the one who said my name, disturbing my deep thinking about my family's sad ending. 

Trace. My cousin. 

I smirked. At last, the fucker showed up now. Unbelievable.

“You’re here,” I said coldly to Trace and eyed Atlas, another cousin of ours. 

The annual meeting of the FSO is today, and I never thought they would make it here now to attend. 

“Tangina… Ayoko nga sana pumunta dito kaso naawa na ako rito kay Lash at sigeng drama na kailangan mo ko,” Trace arrogantly said and used Tagalog words that I could speak too. 

My mother is half-Filipina; she always speaks Tagalog when talking to me. Sabihin nang pinalaki ako ni mama na nakakaintindi ng Filipino language dahil iyon ang gamit niya makipag-usap sa akin kapag nagagalit siya kay papa. Iyon din ang gamit naming lengguwahe noong bata pa ako kapag may plano si mama na tumakas kami. 

I smiled with those old thoughts. Ilang beses pinahabol-habol ni mama si papa noon. Papa being the eldest of the Ferreira's siblings, na dapat magpakita ng pagiging dominante at may isang salita, ay kahinaan ang isang babae na hindi naman niya dapat minahal pero ikababaliw niya kung mawawala sa kaniya. Iba si mama, pinambayad utang pero hindi mapakawalan ni papa.

My father and mother love each other so much and survived their love-and-hate relationship. Na kahit hindi siguro ako naipanganak ay wala pa ring makapaghihiwalay sa kanila. I was just used to reason out nang paghahabol ni papa noon kay mama, but it wasn't me... it was because of love.

And that love I saw from my parents made me hopeless to still believe in it. Yeah... I am still pro-love; I am not like these two in front of me who were more on vengeance in their minds.

Kahit nawala si Libby ay hindi sapat na dahilan iyon para isipin ko na hindi tama ang magmahal. Libby is the second one who died tragically because of me. My first love was the first one. 

"Tama pala sila, tulala ka nga lagi..." Trace clicked his tongue. "I know how to help you, Ice. Sana makinig ka lang at madali ako madismaya."

“And I thought you already forgot your mother’s organization, Trace.” I stood up, went to the window, and looked down the yard. The people of FSO were all there, and I saw my mother talking to Tia Svetlana Petrov-Silva, Tio Michael’s wife. 

Sinadya ko ring ibahin ang usapan. Ayokong simulan na naman ang topic tungkol sa nangyari sa pamilya ko, na alam kong pupuntahan ng usapan namin ngayon at sadyang makulit itong sii Trace kapag may ipinipilit na gustong mangyari.

“Namiss ko kasi kayo kaya nandito ako bigla. Pero bago ang meeting para sa FSO ay baka gusto mo muna akong kausapin tungkol sa Foedus. I am still waiting for you to join us...” 

The way Trace said his statement emphasized how important the organization he and his friends created years ago. Wala pa nga yatang isang dekada ang Foedus natatag pero kung iyabang nito lagi sa amin ay parang wala nang iba pang kayang tumapat.

“Not interested,” I answered, then pulled a chair, sat there, and leaned. “As far as I know, I am still the head of FSO, and that is why I don’t need your Foedus, Trace.” 

“Tanginang yabang ‘yan, Ice!” Trace laughed, and Atlas joined him. They both made me their laughing stock, and I let them. What should I expect from these two spoiled idiots in front of me?

Such assholes! 

Trace's life supposed to be different from us. Inilayo siya ni Tia Ana sa buhay na mayroon ang mga Ferreira pero siya pa rin talaga ang nagpilit maging kagaya namin. 

Tia Ana choose an ordinary lawyer na nakilala niya through her best friend na dapat ay mapapangasawa niya. Si Tia Ana ang sumira ng dapat sana ay ugnayan ng FSO sa EIO, and Esposito-Ivanov Organization. 

“Heard how Ice said that, Lash?” Trace asked Atlas. “Ang angas ng pagkasabi… ka-cringe! Pero puta! Asan ang angas mo kung hanggang ngayon iiyakan mo lang ang mag-ina mo at hindi mo mahanap ang may gawa ng kamatayan nila?” painsultong tanong niya. Nang-aasar ang mga tingin.

I angrily looked at Trace. 

He had no idea about my plans! 

He had no idea why I was still calm right now! 

He had no idea that I needed to protect FSO, and that is the fucking main reason I can’t pursue looking for the people who caused my family’s death. I need to make sure of how to execute my revenge first.

“Join Foedus at ako ang bahala sa pagpapahanap ng mastermind sa kamatayan ng pamilya mo,” ulit niya at hindi ko naman maunawaan bakit ako kinukulit nito ngayon. Then I realized na hindi ang annual meeting ng FSO ang talagang ipinunta niya... ang pangre-recruit sa akin pala.  

“I won’t. Foedus is for the people like you. I am not like you, Trace. I believe in this family’s organization and never go to any other organization just to prove myself.”

“Ikaw ang head ng FSO ngayon dahil bata pa ang ampon ni Brix. Alalahanin mo na si Brix pa rin ang nararapat na head ng FSO, mayabang lang masyado na pinapanindigan na hindi niya kailangan ang tulong ng lahat.”

“And why do you care?”

“I do care because I am offering you a membership of Foedus that you are declining ng paulit-ulit. Lash here wanted to join Foedus, but I am not allowing him. I choose you.”

“What Foedus could have that FSO can’t do? Wake up, Trace! Don’t think confidently about the organization you created with your gangster friends. FSO could do more than that Foedus of yours.”

“Hah!” Trace smirked. “What Foedus could do? That is a wrong question, Ice. Ang itanong mo ay kung ano ang mayro’n sa Foedus na wala ang FSO natin…”

“Then what Foedus have?” 

I don’t know why I need to ask that. I have known Trace since we were teenagers, he wasn’t like this before, but he became arrogant after Tia Ana died. And if indulging in his proud moments could satisfy him, then fine. So be it. 

“What Foedus have?” Trace was grinning while looking at me. “You are looking at the answer, Ice. Ang pagiging head ko sa Foedus ang pinakasagot. Kung sa Foedus ka ay matutulungan kita mahanap ang pumatay sa pamilya mo. Sa Foedus ay ako ang may kontrol. Sa FSO ay kahit ikaw ang head ngayon ay alam mo na hindi ka basta makakakilos dahil hindi papayag basta-basta si Tito Anselmo na madamay ang buong organisasyon.”

“You are only one of the seven founders of Foedus,” I boringly said. “You are not that special, Trace.”

“Gago! Between you and me. I am the special one, Ice. And fucking yes, I am just one of the seven founders... but Foedus is me! That even Lev knows it.” 

I gave a stare to Trace. Thinking. I don’t know but what he said in the last part made me think he was right. Still, I can’t compromise FSO, but if I join Foedus, this arrogant cousin of mine could be a great help. 

I inhaled deeply and exhaled the air slowly… Trace is kind of irritating, but he is making me realize that I need to trust him now. Atlas gave me a cigarette, and I inhaled some smoke and puffed it off me. 

I wiped my face with my palm and pursed my lips as I was confused looking at the photo of Libby and Millie on my desk. They died because of me. I have a plan and know where to start my retaliation, but... I need to find her first. 

Thinking of her that night makes me wonder. Hindi ko naklaro ang mukha niya dahil nahihilo na ako gawa ng bomba noong gabing iyon but... but the uncanny resemblance of her to—oh, fuck! What a senile moment of mine that night yet I was still thinking of her! 

Yeah, screw me... I should not think of her. Kung si Libby at Millie ay namatay dahil sa katangahan ko. It was also the same thing that happened to her, my first love. We were young then... hindi pa ako ang Isidro Ferreira na namumuno sa FSO. Pero kahit ako na ang namumuno sa FSO nang kami na ni Libby ay wala pa rin akong silbi dahil nauwi pa rin sa kamatayan ang buhay ng mga mahal ko.

I closed my eyes in desperation again, for I remembered the woman in the incident who pointed her gun at me. She has a tattoo, roses and gun design, on her right thigh up to the sides of her waist. She was almost naked that night, but I can't remember anything besides her tattoos, the roses and gun design, and the word tattooed on her ankle. 

Incognito. 

Whoever she is… I know that she will be the answer to all of my misery. 

I am gonna find her no matter what! 

And I am gonna find her because I need answers...