chapter three

I seriously don’t see anyone I know in person as a potential target or of help in this plan.

This plan is a secret I will carry to my grave.

My fellow nerds have walked with me side by side from my early years in college to now in our workplace.

And I don't see myself with a nerd husband or partner on this, too.

Honestly speaking with all my coworkers, I have not seen the real fatherly genes anywhere near them.

Ask them code and you get the right answer. Ask them about diapers and some might need G****e to know what that is.

I wonder whether my lifestyle, which is divided between my office and my home, is the one that has caused all this loneliness in my life.

Or it's just life that has thrown lemons at me.

Excelling in every aspect at work goes all the way to excelling at home. Excelling took another road for me with relationships.

Cooking and dancing are all that have been consuming my time around my house for years now.

My lifestyle. Get home from my nine-to-five jobs, cook something I have never cooked, or try something I am trying to perfect in my recipe book.

With the loudest music playing in my background.

When I am not at home, I am at work or shopping, and sometimes go out for a movie and launch date with my family.

That is not the best time for me, the lunch date with my family or friends who all think I do not fit in well with the social standards of my small hometown.

But I try to keep in contact, especially with my mom. Although it is killing me, to keep up.

I exposed myself out of my comfort zone earlier in the world to have normality.

After my world-breaking breakup. What I didn’t know is I was setting out for disappointment.

Setting up profiles on many dating websites to get the life I dreamed of. A life with normal people that were not me.

People who are smiling while they drink coffee or smile at a flower boutique gesture.

People who did not see code and equations and a problem to solve all the time.

People who are mesmerized by looking at me with admiration, as Erede did.

And five years later, I am disappointed. I now know I will never meet a prince charming, the world built for me in my teenage imagination.

Parents make up Santa, and teenagers believe in prince charming, but a grown-up ass woman like me. Trust in God, hard work, and good planning.

I figured the straightforward way to my plan is to use dating apps to get myself the potential man.

Five years in these apps has taught me a lot.

I consider myself an expert on dating apps and sites now.

Dating sites, according to my mind, are no longer dating sites.

The government and law enforcement agencies should rename them to hooking up sites or private massage advertising sites.

I know this is the right place to send the advert. If all this goes well, I will no longer need these useless apps.

I will have someone to care for and love with all my heart.

Unlike my mother, I will be the best mom the world has yet to see.

I have matched with a lot of men on these sites. If any of this became public to my small-town people, I swear I would be an outcast.

I am already an outcast. I don’t want to think how much worse it will get then.

Some men I matched with I thought I dated.

And took them seriously. Some ended up being pen pal friends with me after the match-up.

I wouldn't call any of them people I have dated. If you asked my honest opinion. And I don’t see them as potential targets in my plan.

No one has caught my eyes enough to give up my body and surrender willingly except for this plan that is taking me out of my way.

The thought of having a small human of my own.

A reason to look forward to a happy and fulfilled life.

And today is a nice summer morning that calls for a smile.

It’s all well. It is going to be well in my favor. Living all alone in my apartment since I left my home.

No one has visited my house except for a delivery man and the security guard.

I have enjoyed the alone time for too long and I have concluded that I will share it now.

I need a shower to feel like I am no longer in the hospital. Walking to the bathroom while dancing to Sean Paul's reggae dancehall new album.

And a plastered smile on my face.

I need this.

I need to fake it until I make it.

If I had to choose another career in life, I would be a chef, then a dancer.

I am sure anyone that has met me outside my house will never see that in me.

I take a bath and make myself breakfast, after cleaning my house and doing the laundry.

I rush to my laptop on my bed and stretch my upper body before getting started.

I plan to choose matches on the dating website from the ones I see fit.

I have lowered so many of the expectations I had earlier when I started matchmaking in these apps and sites.

All I need now is a guy that will stand out in the looks, an extremely handsome one.

And a gentleman.

The starting point is creating a new profile page for my plan. Writing in my macho tone.

'I don't see myself dating anyone. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, I am not for you. Hit me up if you will have casual sex with no condoms involved. It's time we enjoy it all raw.

I will pay for the hotel, food, and drinks at the Casablanca Regency Hotel. If you can't afford to get in, you are not my people.

And last, druggies, sex offenders, mental or hereditary diseases, or anything of the sort you are out. Scroll off. Let’s please not waste each other’s time.

Your first SMS to my DM’s should be your consent to medical records from Cannibals and I will let you have mine if I see you fit to be around me. It will take me a few minutes to validate your intel.

We will communicate throughout the entire process to see if we vibe well with me.

Communication is a bigger turn-on and turnoff for me.

If you pass the homework, I will send you the room number. And the date of the day I am available for you.

love xo xo.'

I publish and read through for any errors.

After reading through it three times, my heart feels content.

The profile sounds perfect for bait.

After posting the profile on my favorite dating app. It is time to wait.

As I wait, worry rips through my spine. Apart from worries that haunt me of meeting the perfect match, then stealing sperms from him.

I am worried about the whole sexing thing.

Growing up as a church girl. Erede knew not to ask for sex before marriage. The whole sex thing worries me more.

I do not want a match that will make it a bad first-time experience for me, especially because I have never had intimacy with anyone except for myself in all my life.