MATED TO MYSELF-THE ALPHA I HATED IS ME

Chapter 1

Lyra's POV

I wrapped my legs tighter around his waist, pulling him closer against me. My body was on fire, every nerve ending screaming for more contact.

His deep groan vibrated through his chest and into mine, making everything inside me clench with desperate need.

My fingers dug into his shirt as he continued kissing and sucking at my neck. He grabbed my waist, half-pulling, half-lifting me toward the bedroom.

I felt more like a doll being moved than a person being carried. I knew this was wrong. I knew I shouldn't be here in his arms, and shouldn't be enjoying every second of this forbidden moment.

But I couldn't stop myself.

He set me down on the bed and hovered over me, his eyes were dark as usual, cold and distant. These were the same eyes I claimed to hate.

The same eyes I'd fantasized about gouging out of his perfect face. The same eyes that usually looked right through me, that glared at me with cold indifference whenever our paths crossed.

He dropped onto the bed beside me, and I found myself staring at the chest of the person I was supposed to hate more than anyone in the world. The person I'd spent years wishing would get hit by a car, praying would just disappear from my life forever.

But he was here, half drunk and hovering above me, and I wasn't pulling away. Why wasn't I pulling away?

Deep down, I knew why. This was what I'd dreamed about when I was eighteen. This was when it all started, that crushing feeling of wanting him near me, wanting every part of him. But it had never been the same for him. To Nathan, I was just his best friend's little sister. Nothing more.

The memory hit me like a physical blow. His words from four years ago echoed in my mind, as clear as if he'd just spoken them.

"Don't you ever repeat this nonsense again. If you try it again, you'll hate yourself."

He'd said those cruel words in front of all my friends when I'd tried to confess my feelings. The humiliation had been so complete, so devastating, that something inside me had snapped that day. I'd locked away every soft feeling I'd ever had for him and replaced it with burning hatred. I'd spent years praying for his downfall, imagining his destruction.

But here he was, about to do something we could never take back.

Something the eighteen-year-old me had desperately wanted. I didn't know if I still wanted this, but my body was responding to him in ways I couldn't control. Every touch sent electricity racing through my veins.

I watched him remove his shirt with movements that made my head spin. I was losing my mind, losing every defense I'd built up over the years.

He pulled me to the edge of the bed and lifted my dress in one swift motion, leaving me exposed beneath him.

Goosebumps erupted across my skin as the cool air hit me.

"Lyra.." he whispered against my face, his breath warm and heavy with alcohol.

He pressed his lips to my neck again, and my back arched off the bed involuntarily. My head pressed back into the mattress as sensations I'd never felt before coursed through me.

He trailed kisses up to my face before his lips found mine. The kiss was soft at first, then deeper, making my stomach flip and twist with nervous excitement. I could feel him struggling with his pants, and my breathing became rapid and shallow. I couldn't tell if I was panicking or just incredibly excited.

I swallowed hard, staring up at him.

If someone had told me yesterday that I would be looking at Nathan's face this close without feeling rage consume me, I would have laughed. Just hours ago at the party, seeing him had filled me with the usual anger. I should have stopped this. I knew he might not remember any of this tomorrow. He might think I was just another one of his random hookups.

The thought made my chest tight, but every part of me still wanted this somehow.

At least, he called my name, he should remember it's me.

"Oh God," I gasped, gripping the sheets as I felt him push inside me. The sensation was overwhelming, part pleasure and part sharp discomfort. I bit my bottom lip hard to keep from crying out, trying to contain every sound that wanted to escape.

"Fuck," Nathan cursed under his breath as he began moving, and I found myself moving with him, matching his rhythm. My body arched to meet his, and with every thrust, something electric sparked under my skin.

"Nathan," his name escaped my lips in a trembling whisper. I wasn't sure if I was begging him to slow down or go faster.

Our breathing filled the room, mixing with soft moans and gasps. His scent surrounded me completely, and something deep inside me felt like it was breaking apart and reforming all at once.

After what felt like forever, I noticed his movements becoming more urgent, more desperate. I could feel him growing tenser inside me. He groaned and trembled above me, lost in sensations I was only beginning to understand.

I wanted to tell him to pull away, but he was way too fast, he came inside me and I could feel his sperm rolling at the entrance of me. He shuddered and collapsed against me, breathing heavily with his eyes half-closed. He was still inside me, and I could feel him pulsing slightly.

"Nathan," I whispered, wanting to push him gently so I could get up and process what had just happened.

But his arms tightened around me. "Stay like this," he murmured quietly, his voice way too different from how he normally speaks to me.

After that, he didn't say another word. Soon his breathing evened out into soft snores.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, knowing I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. What would he say tomorrow? How would he react when he realized what we'd done?

I tried to push the worried thoughts away and close my eyes. That's when I felt Ivy stirring in my mind, ready to launch into one of her lectures.

I quickly shut down our mental connection before she could start. I didn't want to hear her nagging voice telling me everything I already knew about how stupid this had been.

I couldn't handle thinking about what tomorrow would bring.

********

"Mmm." I rolled over in bed, my head pounding and my body aching in places I'd never felt sore before. I opened my eyes slightly but immediately squeezed them shut as morning sunlight stabbed into my brain like needles.

"Are you going to get up?"

The voice made my blood freeze. That voice I hated more than any sound in the world. But this time, instead of rage, pure panic flooded through me.

My heart slammed against my ribs as I shot upright in bed, suddenly realizing I wasn't in my own room. This was Nathan's bedroom. I grabbed my clothes from the floor and started pulling them on frantically, not daring to look at him.

When I was finally dressed, I forced myself to lift my head. He was standing with his back to me, looking at himself in the mirror across the room.

My fingers trembled as I waited for him to turn around and face me.

When he finally did, his eyes were cold and empty as they met mine. I immediately looked away, unable to hold his stare.

He walked closer and took my hand. I felt him press something into my palm, something that made me look down in confusion.

What I saw made me stumble backward in shock.

I looked up at his face, taking in that cold, emotionless expression he was using to look at me. The same expression he might use to look at a stranger.

"What is this?" My voice shook as I held up my hand, staring at the money he'd given me.

He glanced briefly at my hand, then back at my face.

"What does it look like?" His voice was flat, matter-of-fact. "Use it to take care of anything that might result from last night. I can't afford to have my reputation ruined because of some girl."

The words hit me like a physical blow. My stomach dropped, and my legs suddenly felt too weak to support me. I staggered backward as tears started burning behind my eyes.

"Some girl?" I repeated, barely able to get the words out.

"If you're done here, leave," he said coldly, starting to turn away.

I threw the money at him, tears streaming down my face freely now.

"You don't have to be this cruel," I managed to say through my tears, tasting the salt as they fell.

He looked at me like I was something insignificant, something not even worth responding to.

"What exactly did you expect me to do?" he finally said, walking closer. He ran his tongue across his lower lip and looked at me in a way that made me want to punch him. But I was too devastated, too emotionally drained to do anything but stand there crying.

"Didn't you know I was not in my right mind last night? Why did you let me have sex with you? You got your fantasy fulfilled, didn't you? Now you should know when to move on." His words came out as a low growl, making my stomach plummet even further.

I opened my mouth to respond, but no sound came out. Yes, I knew I was wrong. Yes, I had let him do everything to me without resistance. Yes, I had wanted it, despite claiming to hate him. But couldn't he show even a tiny bit of kindness? Just a small amount of human decency?

"So if you don't want to hear anything worse than what I've already said, I suggest you do what I told you. Lyra, it's for the best." He turned his back on me again.

My legs finally gave out completely. I didn't try to catch myself as I collapsed to the floor, tears pouring down my face. I watched his blurry figure walk toward the door through my tears.

The sound of the door slamming echoed through the room like a gunshot.

My heart felt like it was being torn apart inside my chest. I clutched at my shirt, sobbing uncontrollably. I pounded my fists against the bed, crying until I was too exhausted to cry anymore.

"You're disturbing my peace. Can you just shut up?" Ivy's voice snarled in my head.

I tried to ignore her, but she wasn't finished. "I told you last night when you were about to follow him that this would happen. Aren't you the one always praying he dies? But you went ahead and let him have sex with you when you knew exactly how much he hates you, and I'm sure he wasn't even drunk!"

"Can you please just leave me alone?" I said weakly, sniffling and wiping my nose.

She was right, of course as usual. But right now I needed someone to tell me it would be okay, even if it was a lie. I just needed someone to offer me a tiny bit of comfort.

"It will be fine, Ara."

A different, familiar voice spoke gently in my head, and my body immediately began to relax. Only one person had ever called me by that nickname.

"Kael?" I called out softly, feeling his calming presence wash over me.

"Yes, I'm here," he replied in his usual calm, soothing tone.

Fresh tears started flowing, but these felt different somehow. "Did you see what he did to me?"

"I saw everything. You should have listened to Ivy last night. This wouldn't have happened if you had."

"Are you blaming me too?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"No, I'm not blaming you. But you have to understand that he was drunk and—"

"Don't," I cut him off, slamming shut our mental connection.

I pressed my lips together and stared around Nathan's empty room, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life.

Yes, I had been living with two wolves inside me since I was eight years old. Ivy had always been there, sharp-tongued and brutally honest. But Kael joined her after the incident fourteen years ago, the one that changed everything about my life. I don't know how it happened or what went wrong, but all I know is that I have two wolves in me ever since that day.

Living with two separate souls inside my head was complicated on the best of days. Today, it felt like a curse.

I pulled myself up from the floor, gathered what little dignity I had left, and prepared to walk out of Nathan's life forever.

Some mistakes, I realized, you never really recover from, you just learn to live with the scars they leave behind.