Marked by destiny

Dear diary,

it's now been two years since my parents passed away. And even though I still don't feel ready to accept it, it's become my duty to take back control of my life.

My older sister left, abandoning me alone with my two little brothers: Mathias, 5 years old, and Elhoïme, 10. For the past year, I've been juggling two jobs to pay the rent, feed my brothers, pay for their school, their clothes... and sometimes, a few toys, when I can afford it.

Between breaks or late at night, I take small online courses. Nothing major, but enough to hope for a better job. Maybe even, one day, go back studying law, like I always dreamed.

Sometimes, I just want to quit. To run away, like my sister did. I feel like i'm suffocating in this tiny appartment, haunted by nightmares where I taste a freedom I'll never truly have. I want to go far away, leave everything behind.

But every single time I meet Elhoïme's gaze, every SINGLE time Mathias smiles at me, I remember why I'm still standing.

So I keep going. Even when my back aches from lifting boxes at work. Even when I faint because I don't eat properly- no time for that.

I try to hold on. Or rather... I try to survive. For them.

I cry when no one's watching. And sometimes even when when they are, when I'm too tired to pretend. But I always end up wiping my tears... and putting that tireless smile back on my face.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. Maybe because a friend once told me that keeping a journal might help me.

So I'm starting. Even if I don't know what to write next.

4:50 P.m.

I just finished my second job. Here I am, like every day, in front of Mathias's school, with Elhoïme by my side. I refuse to let them walk home alone. Too many dangers outside, too many fears inside me.

I'm tired. Completely exhausted. On the verge of fainting... or vomiting. I must look terrible. Some parents walking out of the school glance at me briefly. Others don't even bother to hide their stares. They look at me with disgust, laugh, and whisper mocking comments.

But honestly... I don't care.

I'm not here for them.

I'm here for Mathias.

And right on cue, he sees me. His face lights up and he runs toward me. In that instant, everything changes. My heart tightens, my body feels lighter. As if all my fatigue suddenly vanished.

A big smile stretches across my face. I can breathe again.

Mathias jumps into my arms. He smells like sunshine, arts-and-craft glue, and a little bit of kid sweat. I hold him tightly, even though my arms are burning.

" you know what? we got candy today because I cleaned up really well!" he tells me proudly.

"Good job, my sweetheart. I'm proud of you."

Elhoïme watches us with his usual serious expressions, arms crossed. He has that look of a boy who already wants to be a man, even though he's only ten.

"We need to hurry," he says. "you're tired, right?"

I nod, a sad smile at the corner of my lips.

"always, but I'll be fine."

We start walking home. The sun is low, shadows stretching alon the sidewalk. Mathias jumps over the cracks in the pavement like it's a game. Me, I just want to lie down right there on the concrete and not move anymore.

My stomach growls. I barely ate this morning, but there are still three days before payday, and what's left has to be for them.

Elhoïme gives me a worried look.

"you're bleeding"

I look down. My arm is scraped- probably from work, a badly lifted box. I hadn't even noticed.

"It's nothing, don't worry."

I say that, but my head is spinning.

Once we get to the apartment, I lean against the door for a second before unlocking it. Mathias runs straight to his toys, and Elhoïme starts pulling out his homework. Everyone has a role to play, even them. As for me, I drag myself to the kitchen, take a deep breath, and open the nearly empty fridge.

Tomorrow, I'll have to find a solution.

But tonight, I'm here. And that's already something.