Chapter 2

AZ:

HABANG nasa daan, gulong-gulo ang isipan ko sa mga nangyari. Ang plano ko sana ngayong araw ay lumabas kasama ang kaibigan kong si Tracy dahil day off namin. Pero heto at ang daming nangyari.

By the time I arrived home, the sun was already beginning to set. My entire body ached. My palms were scraped, my elbow was bruised, and there were several cuts along my arms from the shattered glass. Masakit ang buong katawan ko at gusto ko na sanang magpahinga. Ramdam ko ring malapit ng bumigay ang katawan ko. But none of that mattered compared to the relief I felt knowing Lewis was alive.

Matapos kong magbayad sa driver, bumaba na ako sa taxi at pumasok ng gate. Tahimik ang bahay. I pushed open the front door. The house was unusually quiet. I expected to see Leonor somewhere in the living room, probably complaining about something while mama attended to her.

But only my parents were there.

Papa was sitting on the sofa, while mama stood near the window with her arms crossed. Kita ang halo-halong emosyon sa kanilang mukha at dama ko na. . . na may problema. The moment they saw me, their expressions immediately darkened. Na para akong nakagawa ng malaking kasalanan at lilitisin.

"Where have you been?" tanong ni papa na matiim na nakatitig sa akin.

I stopped walking. My father's voice was sharp. Sanay naman akong seryoso ito at palaging nakakunotnoo kapag ako ang kausap, pero may kakaiba ngayon. Kaya hindi ko mapigilang makadama ng kaba.

"You left the house without telling us again. Wala ka bang kasama sa bahay para hindi ka magpaalam kapag lalabas ka, AZ?” may diing saad nito.

I stared at him. "I had somewhere to go, Papa. Isa pa, hindi naman po kayo nagtatanong ng mga lakad ko e."

Lalong nagsalubong ang kanyang itim at makapal na kilay. Lumarawan ang inis sa mga mata nitong matiim na nakatitig sa akin.

"Somewhere to go?" mama repeated. "Dahil ba malaki ka na, aalis ka kung kailan mo gusto at uuwi kung kailan mo nais umuwi? What kind of attitude is that, Azreille?”

I swallowed. Kahit gusto kong ipagtanggol ang sarili ko, nagpakumbaba na lang ako.

"Sorry po." Tugon ko na napayuko.

My father stood up. Lalong tumalim ang tingin nito sa akin.

"Itinuturing mo ba pa kaming pamilya mo, ha, Azreille?"

I almost laughed. Almost. Instead, I looked down at myself.

Mapait akong napangiti at namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata. My clothes were dirty and stained with blood. There were scratches all over my arms, and my elbow was swollen.

Then I looked back at them.

"Do you really think I'm the one who doesn't care about this family, Papa?" I asked.

My parents fell silent. I took a shaky breath. Tuluyang tumulo ang luha ko na kaagad kong pinahid.

"Have you even noticed me?"

Neither of them answered. I pointed at my bruised arm. Nanginginig ang katawan ko at sunod-sunod na ang pagtulo ng aking luha na hindi ko na mapigilan pa.

"Do you see this?" My voice trembled. "These scratches? The blood on my clothes? My bruises?"

I looked at my mother. Napailing ako na pilit kinakalma at pinapatahan ang sarili ko, pero pabigat na nang pabigat ang dibdib ko at hindi ko mapigilang maluha.

"Ni hindi niyo manlang ako tanungin kung ano'ng nangyari sa akin? Okay lang ba ako? May masakit ba?” nanginginig ang boses kong tanong sa mga ito.

Then I looked at my father. Napailing ako na pinahid ang pisngi kong basang-basa ng luha.

“Anak niyo rin po ako, ‘di ba? Kita niyo naman oh? Sugatan ako, pero imbes na kumustahin niyo ako–heto at kinokompronta niyo pa ako.” Mapait kong turan.

The room suddenly became painfully quiet. For the first time, they actually looked at me. Napahagod sila sa kabuoan ko. My mother's expression changed when she noticed the dried blood near my elbow.

Even papa's eyes moved toward the scratches on my hands. But instead of asking what happened. . . my father sighed.

"Go upstairs." Malamig niyang utos.

I blinked. "Po?"

"Change your clothes and clean yourself up first," he said. "Then come back down. We need to talk."

I stared at him for a few seconds. A bitter smile touched my lips. Napatango-tango ako na dumaan ang disappointment sa mga mata ko. Of course. Even now. Even when I was clearly hurt, there were more important things to talk about.

"Opo."

I turned around and headed upstairs. My shoulders felt heavier with every step. Sunod-sunod na naman ang pagtulo ng luha ko at hindi ko mapigilang maluha. Pagpasok ko ng silid, tumuloy muna ako sa banyo. Naghilamos at hugas muna ako ng kamay at paa bago kumuha ng pambahay na damit sa cabinet ko.

Changing clothes was harder than I expected. My right elbow hurt every time I moved it, and the muscles along my back screamed whenever I tried to reach behind me. Nagsisimula na ring sumakit ang ulo ko at mukhang lalagnatin ako. Pero wala naman akong ibang maaasahan sa bahay na ito. Walang aasikaso sa akin kapag hahayaan kong lamunin ako ng lagnat.

MATAPOS kong magbihis, kahit nahihilo na ako ay bumaba pa rin ako. By the time I finally made it downstairs, my body felt even more exhausted. My father was already waiting in the living room and mama sat beside him. Naupo ako sa kaharap nilang sofa.

“Ano po ba ang sasabihin niyo?” tanong ko.

My father folded his hands together. Napalapat ito ng labi, humingang malalim bago nagsalita.

"It's about your sister.”

Muntik na akong mapaikot ng mga mata. Ano na naman ba ang ginawa ng babaeng iyon? Kung alam ko lang na tungkol na naman ito sa kanya, nagpahinga na lang sana ako.

"What about her po, Papa?" kalmado kong tanong.

"She's being taken to America.”

I frowned. "America po?"

He nodded. "Her heart condition has gotten worse. Her doctor recommended that she undergo further treatment there. There's a sponsor willing to cover her hospital expenses. Kaya pumayag na kaming dalhin abroad ang ate mo para doon magpagaling."

I lowered my gaze. Kailan pa may sakit ang ate? Masyado ba akong busy para hindi malaman ang tungkol doon? Pero kahit gusto kong magtanong at nanatiling tikom ang bibig ko.

Then papa continued. "Your mother and I are going with her."

My eyes lifted. "Both of you po?"

"Yes."

There was something in his expression that told me there was more. Tumango ako bilang tugon. Hindi naman na nakakagulat kung sasamahan nila ang ate doon. Syempre, mahal nila iyon e–at paboritong anak.

"We're selling this house, AZ." He added.

I froze. Para akong binuhusan ng nagyeyelong tubig sa narinig!

"Po?!"

"We won't need it anymore once we move to America. May buyer na ring tumingin dito kanina at gusto nila ang bahay natin. Isa pa, wala kaming pocket money ng mama niyo na pupunta doon." Saad nito, kalmado pero may diin at seryoso.

My lips parted. "You're. . . selling the house? Itong bahay po?"

"Yes."

I stared at them in disbelief. "Then where am I supposed to live? Paano naman po ako, Papa?" I complained.

He didn't answer immediately. Si mama ang sumagot sa akin kaya napalingon ako dito.

"You already have a job, AZ. Find yourself an apartment. Marami namang apartment dito sa Manila na malapit lang sa trabaho mo," anito na tila maliit na bagay lang iyon!

Para akong sinampal sa sinabi nito. "Apartment po?"

"Oo."

"Alam niyong takot akong mag-isa, Mama. Paano naman po ako nito?" apila ko na ipinaglalaban ang sarili.

Okay lang namang maiwang mag-isa e. Pero iyong ibenta nila itong bahay at kailangan kong mag-apartment? Ibang usapan na iyon. Ba't nila ibebenta ang bahay? Wala na ba silang planong bumalik? Then what about me? Paano naman ako?

"You can take care of yourself now, Azreille," she said calmly. “Malaki ka na. May trabaho ka naman at kumpleto ang katawan mo. Kaya mo ng suportahan ang sarili mo. Kailangan kami ng ate mo doon.”

I stared at her. Kung titignan, para lang silang mang-iiwan ng tuta!

"I can?" My voice cracked. "I just started working, Mama."

Tumulo ang luha ko na kaagad kong pinahid. Ramdam kong lalong bumigat ang katawan ko sa pinag-uusapan namin.

"We know."

"I'm only an intern, Mama."

"I know."

"My salary isn't even enough for–"

"Then find an affordable place." Putol ni papa sa sasabihin ko.

"Papa, hindi po madaling maghanap ng ibang trabaho na wala pa akong work experience. Can't I just go with you there? Anak niyo pa rin ako. Pababayaan niyo ba talaga akong mag-isa dito na walang bahay? Hindi po ba kayo nag-aalala sa akin?” sunod-sunod kong tanong.

He shook his head. "Hindi ka namin pwedeng dalhin sa America, AZ. That's final."

“Bakit po hindi?"

"You know how expensive it is there, AZ. Sumunod ka na lang kapag may pera na,” may diing sagot nito.

"Papa, I can find a job. Hindi po ako magiging pabigat sa inyo doon."

"Azreille." His voice became firm. "Your mother and I can't afford to support all of us there. I'll only be working as a company driver. How much do you think I'll earn?"

“Kaya nga maghahanap po ako ng trabaho doon e.”

“Hindi gano'n kadali magtrabaho abroad, AZ. Hayaan mo, maghahanap ako ng trabaho doon na pwede sa'yo. Saka ka na lang sumunod sa amin ng mama mo.” Saad nito na maawtoridad ang tono.

I fell silent. Napalabi ako na naluluha. Hindi ako makapagsalita at alam ko, kahit ano'ng sabihin ko, hindi sila makikinig sa akin. My mother crossed her arms. Napalingon ako dito.

"We're doing this for Leonor. She needs us, AZ. May sakit ang ate mo, ikaw. . . malusog ka. Mas kailangan kami ng ate mo kaya makinig ka na lang sa amin.” Kalmadong saad nito sa akin.

I looked at her and my tears fell. "And I don't? Paano naman po ako, Mama?"

Hindi sila nakaimik sa tinuran ko. That silence hurt more than anything they could have said.

I slowly nodded. "Okay po."

Napatitig sila sa akin. Pilit akong ngumiti at pinahid ang pisngi ko. Wala din namang saysay na ipaglaban ko ang sarili ko. Nakapagdesisyon na sila kahit hindi pa ako tinatanong.

"If you've already decided. . . " I forced a smile. "Then I'll find an apartment. Tama po kayo, may sakit ang ate. Mas kailangan niya kayo. Don't worry about me, kaya ko na ang sarili ko. Sabi niyo nga–malaki na ako."

There was nothing else I could do. They had already made their choice. And just like always. . . they had chosen my sister.

I stood up. "Magpapahinga na po ako."

Hindi sila sumagot. Dahan-dahan akong humakbang kahit parang matutumba na ako. Pinilit kong inihakbang ang mga paa ko hanggang makarating sa silid ko. The moment I closed my bedroom door, my shoulders dropped.

I walked toward my desk with trembling legs and sat down on my gaming chair. For a few seconds, I simply stared at my computer screen. Then my vision blurred.

A tear rolled down my cheek. Hanggang sa sunod-sunod na tumulo ang luha ko at hindi ko na mapigilang mapahagulhol. I lowered my head onto my desk and covered my face with my arms.

I didn't want to cry. But I couldn't stop. It wasn't just about the house. It wasn't even about being left behind. It was the realization that my parents could leave me behind so easily. As if I had never really belonged to them. Kahit lumaki ako na hindi pareho ang pagtrato nila sa amin ni ate, masakit pa rin. Sobrang sakit pa rin na iiwanan nila ako dito sa bansa na tanging mga gamit ko lang ang meron ako.

I had only recently started working as an intern dress designer. My salary was barely enough for my daily expenses. How was I supposed to pay for an apartment?

Renta, bills, groceries, pamasahe sa trabaho at pauwi at iba pang gastusin, paano ko pagkakasyahin ang maliit kong sahod bilang intern sa kumpanya? I had some savings in my bank account, but not much.

I had been saving it for emergencies. Kung tutuusin, magkano lang iyon. Sasapat lang sa dalawang buwan na gastusin ko sa paninimula ko. I pressed my lips together as another sob escaped me.

All my life, I had watched my parents choose my sister first. Her needs. Her problems. Her happiness. Always her. Mula pagkabata, ginagalingan ko sa school para makuha ang attention nila, pero na kay ate lahat ng attention at pagmamahal nila.

At ngayon, heto at iiwanan nila ako mag-isa para masamahan ang ate sa America. I lifted my head and stared at the family picture sitting on the corner of my desk.

Mapait akong napangiti. The four of us were smiling in that picture. We looked happy. Like a real family. But tonight, for the first time, I wondered if I had simply been fooling myself all these years. Mahal na mahal ko sila at malaki ang respeto ko sa mga magulang namin. Pero bakit. . . bakit hindi manlang nila ako pahalagaan kahit konti?

“Tahan na, AZ. You're used to it, ‘di ba? Kailan ka ba pinili?”