I’m Not Ready To Meet Her

“That isn’t one of the boys.”

The words slipped out before I could stop them.

I leaned forward in the passenger seat, squinting through the windshield as Mom slowly pulled into the driveway. At first, all I could see were the familiar shapes of the boys standing near the front porch. I recognized a couple of them immediately, their voices carrying through the open windows.

Then I saw him.

Keegan.

My stomach dropped.

His blonde curls were impossible to miss, even from this distance. He was laughing about something, his head tilted back, completely relaxed. For a second, I forgot how to breathe.

And then I saw the person standing beside him.

Dark hair.

Long, thick curls falling over her shoulders.

His arm was casually wrapped around her.

My heart stopped.

No.

It couldn’t be.

But as Mom’s car moved closer, there was no mistaking her.

Her.

The girl I had spent weeks trying not to think about.

The girl I had convinced myself I was completely over.

The girl who had somehow managed to become the one person I absolutely did not want to see today.

My heart started racing so fast that I could feel it pounding against my ribs. My palms became clammy, and suddenly the air inside the car felt way too warm.

“It’s her,” I whispered.

I stared at them through the windshield.

Keegan said something to her, and she laughed. He smiled down at her.

I looked away immediately.

I didn’t want to see that.

I didn’t want to meet her.

I didn’t want to say hello.

I didn’t want to hear her voice or see her smile or pretend that everything was perfectly normal.

I especially didn’t want to stand there while Keegan had his arm around her like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I don’t…” My voice caught in my throat.

Casey’s hand suddenly squeezed my shoulder from behind.

I jumped slightly.

She didn’t say anything at first.

She didn’t have to.

She knew.

Of course she knew.

Casey had been there through all of it, the late night conversations, the tears I insisted weren’t because of Keegan, the times I swore I didn’t care anymore only to bring his name up five minutes later.

Her hand stayed on my shoulder, warm and reassuring.

Mom put the car in park.

Before I could even think of an excuse to stay inside, she opened her door and hopped out.

“Hey, guys!” Mom called cheerfully.

I watched in horror as she walked toward the group, greeting the boys one by one.

And then she hugged her.

HER.

My mom was hugging the girl I had spent the entire car ride dreading.

I sank lower in my seat.

“This is going to be awful,” I whispered.

Casey gave my shoulder another squeeze.

“James, when you’re ready, we can get out,” she said softly.

I nodded, but I didn’t move.

My eyes burned.

I blinked rapidly, refusing to let the tears fall.

This was ridiculous.

I knew what I had said.

I meant it.

I was over Keegan.

I was.

At least, that’s what I had told everyone.

That’s what I had told myself.

I just hadn’t accounted for the fact that my heart apparently hadn’t gotten the memo.

I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror.

Big mistake.

My messy bun looked even messier than I thought it did. A few curls had escaped around my face, and my cheeks were already bright red. I looked nervous.

I looked like someone who had absolutely not moved on.

I quickly wiped underneath my eyes before any tears could escape.

“Get it together,” I whispered to myself.

Casey leaned forward between the seats.

“You don’t have to pretend you don’t care,” she said.

“I don’t care.”

She raised an eyebrow.

I sighed.

“Okay. I care a little.”

“A little?”

“Fine. A lot. But I’m still over him.”

Casey smiled sadly.

“I know.”

That somehow made my throat tighten even more.

Outside, I could hear everyone laughing.

Then Keegan’s voice floated toward the car.

My entire body tensed.

I closed my eyes.

For one tiny second, I let myself remember what it used to feel like when he looked at me. When his smile was meant for me. When I didn’t have to wonder who he was standing next to or whether he liked someone else.

Then I opened my eyes.

That was over.

Whatever we had, or whatever I had imagined we had, was over.

And I had to accept that.

I took one long, shaky breath and reached for the door handle.

“Let’s get this over with.”

Casey squeezed my hand.

“You ready?”

“No.”

She laughed softly.

“Good enough.”

I opened the car door.

The second my feet touched the ground, I felt the weight of everyone’s attention shift toward me.

I looked up.

Keegan was staring straight at me.

For a moment, neither of us moved.

His smile disappeared.

His arm slowly fell from around her shoulders.

And somehow, that hurt even more.

Because suddenly, I wasn’t sure if he was surprised to see me…

or if he was afraid of what seeing me might mean.