Chapter 36

I agreed, forcing a small smile as she headed back downstairs to finish opening gifts with Baylen. I watched her disappear through the doorway before I finally let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

Baylen had gotten her a promise ring.

She had told me earlier, practically glowing with excitement, and apparently he was planning to give it to her today. I could already picture the way she would react when she opened the little box. She deserved that kind of happiness. She deserved someone who was completely sure about her.

My stomach twisted at the thought.

My phone buzzed in my hand.

I glanced down, expecting another notification from the family group chat, but my heart sank when I saw Jagger’s name across the screen.

For a second, I just stared at it.

After everything that happened last night, seeing her name made the guilt I’d been trying to push away come rushing back.

I opened the message.

“Are you excited for Friendsmas with Jeff? 😉”

Despite everything, I smiled a little.

It was nice to hear from her. Jagger was sweet to me. She always made me feel wanted, even when I didn’t know if I deserved it. She had been patient with me when I told her I wasn’t ready to go all the way. More than once, she had tried to take things further, and more than once, I had stopped her.

I had always told myself I was doing it because I needed more time.

But that wasn’t the whole truth.

The truth was that some part of me had been saving that part of myself for Keegan.

And last night, I had finally given it to him.

The realization hit me all over again.

I swallowed hard, staring at Jagger’s message.

How could I possibly tell her that?

How could I explain that I had spent so long keeping her at a distance because my heart belonged to someone else, only to finally give myself completely to that person?

And what made it worse was that Keegan didn’t even want me.

At least, not in the way I wanted him.

My thumb hovered over the keyboard.

“I’m actually thrilled about it. He is a good friend. But Jag, I need to tell you something,” I typed.

I stared at the words for a moment before hitting send.

Almost immediately, my phone started ringing.

Jagger was FaceTiming me.

My heart jumped into my throat.

“No, no, no…”

I watched my phone vibrate against my palm.

If I answered, she would see everything.

She would see my red eyes. She would see the tears I hadn’t completely wiped away. She would probably ask what was wrong, and there was no way I could lie convincingly to her face.

The phone kept ringing.

I let it.

Eventually, the screen went dark.

I breathed out slowly, relieved and ashamed at the same time.

Another text appeared.

“Brees? Are you busy?”

I stared at it.

I wanted to tell her.

God, I wanted to.

I wanted to call her and explain everything. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I hadn’t meant for any of this to happen, that I cared about her, but that my feelings for Keegan had never really gone away.

But what would telling her now accomplish?

Last night couldn’t be undone.

And somehow, telling Jagger about it over text while everyone downstairs celebrated Christmas felt like the worst possible way to break someone’s heart.

I typed slowly.

“Yes. Opening gifts with the fam.”

I stared at the message before sending it.

The response came a few seconds later.

“Oh I’m sorry babe. I didn’t mean to bother you during family time. Call me later.”

I closed my eyes.

“Babe.”

The word hurt more than I expected.

She still thought we were okay.

She still thought I was the girl who had simply needed time. She didn’t know that everything had changed.

I set my phone beside me and stared at the ceiling.

How in the world was I supposed to recover from this?

Last night had meant something to me.

It hadn’t been random. It hadn’t been something I could just shrug off and pretend never happened. I had spent so long wondering what it would feel like to finally be close to Keegan in that way. When it happened, I had let myself believe—just for a little while—that maybe he felt the same connection I did.

Maybe it had meant something to him, too.

Maybe he had finally realized what I had known for years.

Maybe this was the moment everything changed.

But then morning came.

And Keegan acted like nothing had happened.

Like it hadn’t mattered.

Like I hadn’t just handed him the most vulnerable part of myself.

I pressed my palms against my eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming again.

Maybe I had been stupid.

Maybe I had mistaken what I wanted to believe for reality.

The worst part wasn’t even that Keegan didn’t love me.

It was that I loved him anyway.

I loved him despite every reason I had to stop.

Despite the way he pulled away.

Despite the way he acted like I was something he could turn off whenever it became inconvenient.

And now I had another person to hurt because of it.

Jagger didn’t deserve this.

She didn’t deserve to be someone’s second choice while they were secretly wishing for someone else.

I picked up my phone again and opened our conversation.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard.

I could type it.

I could tell her everything.

I could finally stop pretending.

But my courage disappeared.

Not yet.

I locked my phone and tossed it onto the bed.

Downstairs, I could hear everyone laughing. Someone shouted Baylen’s name, followed by a burst of cheers. The house was full of Christmas music, wrapping paper, laughter, and people who were happy.

And somehow, I felt completely alone.

I looked down at my hands and thought about Keegan.

About last night.

About the way I’d convinced myself it meant something.

Maybe someday I’d be able to look back at it without feeling this ache in my chest.

But today wasn’t that day.

Today, I was eighteen.

Today, I was supposed to be celebrating.

Instead, I was sitting upstairs trying to figure out how to put my heart back together after giving it to someone who had no intention of keeping it.

I wiped another tear from my cheek and let out a bitter laugh.

Happy fucking birthday to me.