Chapter 4

Lucas stared at me as though I had said something ridiculous.

"You're upset," he said finally. "I understand that. But you're not thinking clearly."

"I'm not thinking clearly?"

"You're in shock, Avianna. Let's go home and talk when you've calmed down."

"Stop telling me to calm down!"

My voice cracked. I could barely see him through the tears.

"How long have you been doing this?" I asked. "How long have you been coming home to me after being with him?"

"I told you. A few months."

"And you could look at me every day? You could kiss me, sleep beside me, tell me you loved me?"

"Yes, because I do love you."

"How?" I shook my head. "How can you say that and do this to me?"

"Don't come near me."

"Avianna, please. You're making this worse."

"Worse?" I repeated. "You brought another person into our marriage, Lucas. You lied to me. You let me sit here and worry about Elizabeth when all this time…”

I stopped. My throat tightened again.

"When all this time it was a man."

Lucas closed his eyes briefly. "This isn't about Julian being a man."

I looked at him with disbelief. “You shouldn't be talking right now Lucas. You cheated on me. With a man. I said, my voice breaking. " I don't understand. How do you go from having a whole wife to doing that with a man behind her back? How do you come home and look me in the face?"

"I didn't plan for any of this."

"That doesn't answer me!"

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me why! Why would you do this to me? What did I do? Was I not enough? Did you get tired of me? Was I supposed to know? Was there something I missed?"

"Stop making this about you."

I stared at him.

"Don't you dare," I whispered.

"Avianna, I'm trying to explain…"

"No. You're trying to make me feel stupid for asking questions."

He reached for my arm. I slapped him.

The sound cracked through the office.

Lucas's head turned with it. My palm stung. I was breathing so hard my chest hurt.

"Don't touch me," I said.

His hand rose to his cheek. When he looked back at me, the softness was gone.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Me?"

"You can't come in here, scream at me and start hitting me."

"I walked in on you cheating on me!"

"Keep your voice down!"

"Why? Are you embarrassed?" I was crying so hard now that the words kept catching. "Are you embarrassed that people might find out? That your perfect little image might be ruined?"

"That's enough, Avianna."

"No, it isn't. You don't get to decide that."

He turned away and paced behind his desk. "I made a mistake. I said I'd end it. What else do you want from me?"

"I want my husband back."

For a second, I hated myself for saying it.

“I want the man I married, the man I fell in love with.”

Lucas's expression softened.

"Then let me fix this."

I shook my head. "I don't know who you are."

"You're being dramatic."

"Do you hear yourself?" I whispered. "You think I'm being dramatic?"

"I'm saying one terrible thing shouldn't erase everything we've built."

"One thing?" My lips trembled. "You said months, Lucas. Months. That isn't one thing."

He rubbed his forehead. "I was confused. It got out of hand."

"Confused about what? About whether you wanted a wife or a man? About whether you wanted me or him?"

"Don't twist my words."

He looked at me for a long moment. Then his face hardened.

"You're not going to destroy our marriage over this."

"Our marriage?" I wiped my cheeks, but more tears replaced the ones I'd cleared. "You destroyed it. I just found out."

"You're my wife."

"That doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want."

"I've given you a good life, Avianna. Don't forget that."

I stared at him. There it was again, the reminder that everything I had was because of him. I couldn't stand another second in that office.

I picked up my handbag.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from you."

"Avianna, don't walk out while we're having a conversation."

I kept walking.

I didn't turn around. I pushed through the office door, barely registering the receptionist looking up from her desk. The elevator took too long. My hands shook as I pressed the button again and again.

By the time I reached the car park, I was crying so hard I couldn't get my key into the door.

I got inside and sat there with my forehead against the steering wheel.

A sob tore out of me, followed by another. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest hurt, my nose was running, and I couldn't stop wiping my face with my sleeve. I cried until my throat felt raw.

I kept seeing them when I closed my eyes. Lucas behind his desk. The man standing up. Lucas's face when he'd seen me.

A man.

Maybe because I had spent so long believing I knew my husband. I knew his habits, his routines.

But I hadn't known this.

Had he been hiding this part of himself from me all along? Had he been pretending every time he touched me? I didn't know what his feelings for Julian meant, or what they meant for him. It wasn't that I could decide who he was allowed to be. I couldn't. It was that he'd made a life with me while keeping this enormous part of it hidden, and expected me never to notice.

I started the car eventually. I drove without thinking, taking turns I didn't need to take, until I found myself parked beside a quiet stretch of road. I stayed there for a long time, crying on and off, trying to make sense of a marriage that suddenly felt like it had belonged to somebody else.

When I finally went home, the house was quiet.

I didn't turn on the lights. I left my handbag by the door and sat on the couch, still wearing the dress I'd put on to surprise my husband that morning. I felt empty, but every time I remembered the office, the hurt came rushing back.

I don't know how long I sat there before I heard the front door.

Lucas walked in, loosening his tie.

"Hey, baby."

I looked up.

He set his keys on the table and glanced at me as if he'd only been away at work.

"You're home. I was wondering where you went." He walked towards the kitchen. "Have you eaten? I was thinking we could order something."

I watched him move around our home. Our home. He opened the fridge, took out a bottle of water and drank from it.

Like nothing had happened.

Like I hadn't watched another man walk out from under his desk.

The audacity of this man.

He turned towards me. "What's wrong? Why are you sitting in the dark?"

The tears were still there, but I wasn't going to beg him to understand what he'd done.

I stood.

"You're going to regret this, Lucas."