CHAPTER 3

I barely slept that night.

Even after the cold shower, even after kneeling beside my bed and whispering prayers again and again, my mind refused to rest. Every time I closed my eyes, the memories came back—the music, the alcohol, his hands, his voice.

I pressed my eyes shut and shook my head.

“Stop,” I whispered to myself.

I shouldn’t think about him anymore. Kung ano man yung nangyari ay wala lang yun. A moment of weakness. Something that should never happen again. Ang dapat kong alalahanin ngayun ay ang sarili. I should ask for forgiveness. But how? Ayaw kong ikumpisal ang nangyari, natatakot ako. I don't want anyone to know what happened.

But still, the only place I knew where I could find peace was the church.

So the next morning, I woke up earlier than usual and went straight to the chapel. The air inside was cool and quiet. The soft light from the stained glass windows painted colors across the floor. Marami ng tao ang nakaupo sa loob.

This place has always calmed me.

"Alya, mag uumpisa na ang misa. Samahan mo na ang iyong mga kasama doon sa unahan."

Sinalubong ako ni Sister Esther, one of the senior nun.

"Magandang umaga po, Sister," I greeted her.

I walked slowly toward the front, my co-novices were already sitting there, waiting for the mass to start. Pero bago paman ako makalapit ay may isang kamay na humawak sa akin at hinila ako sa isang sulok ng simbahan.

It's Jamaica.

"I'm so worried! After that night hindi ka man lang tumawag o mag text sa akin! Akala ko kung ano na ang nangyari sayo!" bungad niya sa akin.

She's wearing a floral white dress, with slight make up on her face.

I looked away.

"Sorry, nawala sa isip ko. Hindi na kasi kita nahagip noong.... gabing yun."

I can't help but to feel uneasy about mentioning that night. It's true that I did not see her but I did not find her either.

She seemed notice my reaction. Pinanliksihan niya ako ng mata.

"So what happened? Pagbalik ko sa table, wala ka na. Saan ka nagpunta?" she asked, crossing her arms on her chest.

I tried to act as normal as possible, I don't have any plans to share what I have done that sinful night.

"Umuwi na ako," I answered firmly.

She raised her eyebrows and examined me for so long.

"Tsk. As much as I don't want to believe it. Of course, you have your dignity. I'm relieved."

"Last na yun, Jam. Alam mo namang bawal ako dun."

"Oo na! Kaya nga nag punta agad ako dito para ipagdasal ang kasalanan mo na kagagawan ko!"

The mass then finally started. I was sitting in front kasama ang mga kasabay kong madre. Jamaica is somewhere else. I focused only on the mass, never minding what Jam and I have talked about. Right, I still have my dignity kaya dapat kalimutan ko na iyon. Our paths will never cross again, for sure.

During the mass nakaramdam ako ng kakaiba. Like someone is staring at me, o siguro guni-guni ko lang rin. Hindi ako nakapag almusal ng maayos dahil narin sa puyat. Gutom lang to.

Natapos agad ang misa. People went out of the Church, some greeted the priest and some remained sitting to pray for more.

"Alya, refectory tayo?" aya sa akin ng kasama kong si Jade. I smiled at her.

"Sige, Jade. Susunod lang ako." She smiled and walked away.

I knelt down.

"Forgive me, for I have a sin,” I murmured.

My hands were clasped tightly together. I kept my eyes closed, trying to push the memories away. This is only thing I can help myself. Gusto kong kalimutan ang nangyari, at susi niyan ay ang kapatawaran niya.

I stayed there for a long time, whispering prayers under my breath.

Then suddenly, I felt something strange. Like someone was looking at me.

I slowly opened my eyes.

Footsteps moved closer. I cannot hear the voices of the people inside. Siguro ay nagsilabasan na ang lahat. I looked at the huge cross in front of me never minding the person coming near me. Siguro sakristan lang.

Pero habang tumatagal mas lalong bumibigat ang naramdaman ko. My chest tightened for no reason.

The person stopped beside me. Then I lifted my eyes.

And my heart almost stopped.

Cameron.

The morning light coming through the windows fell across his face, making his sharp features even clearer than I remembered.

For a second, I couldn’t breathe.

What was he doing here? Mas lalong lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko.

My first instinct was to get out. Maybe if I pretended I didn’t know him, he would just pass by.

"Praying for forgiveness?” the first words came out of his mouth.

He's wearing a white t-shirt and dark maong pants. He looked like a super model straight out of a magazine. His mullet haircut is a bit messy but it doesn't look bad on him.

"Pasensya na pero, do I know you, Sir?" Minabuti kong hindi ipahalata sa kanya ang kaba.

His eyebrows raised, he tilted his head in amusement and smirked.

"Hm, interesting. I'm so sure it's you who moaned my name—"

Before he could finish his word, tumayo ako at pagalit siyang hinarap. He suddenly put his hand on the air and chuckled.

"Ano ba ang kailangan mo? What are you doing here?" Nakakairita, I should be nice! But how?!

"Chill."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na mag salita, umalis na ako doon. As much as possible I don't anyone caught me from talking to him! Even Jam!

Nag madali akong pumanhik sa refectory. Abot langit ang kaba ko habang nagmamadaling lumakad. Kung ano man ang ginagawa niya rito, wala na akong pakialam. It shouldn't concerns me!

"Ayos ka lang?" Jade asked me when I sat beside her.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya.

"Oo, nagmamadali lang. Nagugutom na kasi ako," I told her and laughed. She nodded at me.

Kinuhaan ako ni Jade ng pagkain kaya nagpasalamat ako sa kanya. I wanted to ask if she saw Jamaica somewhere but unfortunately she's busy talking to our comrades. I will text Jam nalang mamaya.

Hindi pa matagal ang pag subo ko ng pagkain nang makitang bumukas ang pinto ng refectory. Iniluwa nito si Cameron, walking casually inside, eyes fixed on me while there's a smug smile on his face. Nanlaki ang mata ko.

Halos marinig ko ang tili ng aking mga kasama, I even got a slap from jade while looking at the man walking in our place!

"Ang gwapo! Kaso bawal!"

"Sino yan?"

"Nagdadalawang isip tuloy ako kung mag mamadre pa ba o hindi na!"

I looked away. Mas pinili kung ibaba ang tingin sa pagkain at nagpatuloy sa pag subo. Nag dasal pa ako na sana hindi siya gumawa ng kahit anong ikakasira ko! And didn't he notice what really am I? Hindi ba obvious sa kanya kung ano ako?

Halos mabulunan ako nang makita ko ang unti-unti niyang pag lapit sa aming lamesa. I was about to get up at umalis when thankfully he just passed by!

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Hindi ko siya tinignan sa likuran ko o kung saan siya pumunta. It's even questionable why he is here, and why he's allowed to enter our place. Mabilis kong tinapos ang aking pagkain at umalis doon.

I can feel his stares on my back that makes me want to leave as soon as possible.

He's not after me because of that night right?