LOGINAva Reyes has spent four years doing what she does best — keeping her feelings exactly where they cannot do any damage. She is twenty-nine, co-owner of a thriving bakery, and hopelessly in love with the one man she has absolutely no business wanting. Marcus Calloway is her best friend's older brother — steady, brilliant, and infuriatingly easy to be near. When he left for London six years ago, Ava buried her feelings and moved on. Or did a convincing enough impression of it. Then Marcus comes home. Permanently. And he is engaged. His fiancée, Isabelle Ferreira, is a sharp London solicitor who is warm, intelligent, and impossible to resent. She has done nothing wrong. She deserves everything she has. Which makes what Ava is beginning to want all the more dangerous. Because the more Ava finds herself near Marcus — at family dinners, in stolen conversations, in the small accidental moments that keep finding them together — the more she notices things she shouldn't. The way he watches her. The way the air shifts between them when no one else is paying attention. She is not a woman who chases unavailable men. She has a conscience, and it is loud. But she is also a woman who is tired of being careful. What begins as a private war with herself slowly becomes something more deliberate. Ava doesn't set out to destroy anything. She simply sets out to make Marcus Calloway finally see her. What she doesn't account for is how much it will cost — and how deeply she will fall before she understands the difference between wanting someone and deserving them. Some fires don't care how carefully you've been living.
View MoreThe call came on a Thursday afternoon while I was elbow-deep in buttercream.
"He's back." Two words. That was all Jade said, and somehow those two words were enough to make me stop what I was doing, set the spatula down on the stainless-steel counter, and stand very still in the middle of my own bakery like the floor had shifted slightly beneath my feet. "Since when?" My voice came out steady. I was proud of that. "Last night. His flight landed around midnight and Mom nearly broke down crying at the door, you know how she gets." Jade's voice was bright and rushing the way it always did when she was excited about something, words tumbling over each other, no space between them. "He looks good, Ava. Like, really good. London agreed with him or whatever, but he's home now and Dad already has him looking at the car that's been sitting in the garage since March —" "Jade." I picked the spatula back up. Gave myself something to do with my hands. "How long is he staying?" A pause. "He says permanently. The contract ended, he's done with London. He's home home." Another pause, this one softer. "Come to dinner on Saturday. Mom's already planning the whole thing. Please — I want everyone together." Everyone. Meaning: her parents, herself, Marcus. And me. I looked across the bakery at Renee, who was watching me from behind the register with her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised, because Renee had known me for seven years and could apparently read my entire internal weather system from a distance of four metres. "Saturday," I said into the phone. "What time?" I told myself, on the drive over Saturday evening, that it would be fine. It had been six years since Marcus Calloway left for London. Six years was a long time. People changed in six years — grew, shifted, became different versions of themselves. More importantly, feelings changed in six years. Dimmed. Settled into something manageable and quiet, the emotional equivalent of an old scar that had long since stopped being tender. I had been twenty-three when I first understood, with the particular unwelcome clarity of something you can't un-know, that what I felt for my best friend's brother was not the mild, easily-catalogued fondness of family-adjacent affection. I had been standing in the Calloways' back garden at Jade's birthday party, fairy lights strung between the trees, and Marcus had been standing close enough that I could have counted his eyelashes, and he'd said something low and private that made me laugh, and I'd looked up and found him already looking at me, and the moment had stretched and changed and become something else entirely — And then Jade had appeared, and the moment had closed, and I had spent the next six years being extremely sensible about the whole thing. I was still being sensible. Perfectly sensible. This was just dinner. I rang the doorbell and adjusted the wine bottle under my arm and reminded myself to breathe normally. Patricia Calloway opened the door before I'd finished the thought, both arms already extended, pulling me into the kind of hug that smelled like rose water and roasting garlic and felt like being folded back into somewhere safe. "Ava, sweetheart. Look at you." She held me at arm's length, beaming. "You get prettier every time I see you." "And you get kinder every time I see you," I said, and she laughed and pulled me inside. The house was warm and bright and smelled like a proper Sunday dinner extended into a Saturday, rosemary and something rich simmering at the back of the stove. Jade descended on me from the living room, stealing the wine, squeezing my hand. Gerald Calloway appeared from the hallway and shook my hand with both of his, asking about the bakery. It was familiar and easy, the comfortable choreography of a family that had long since decided to include me. I let it settle around me. Let myself relax into it. And then I heard footsteps on the stairs. I didn't look up immediately. I gave myself three seconds — an old strategy, one I had developed specifically for situations involving Marcus Calloway — counted to three, composed my expression, and then turned. He was standing at the bottom of the staircase. Six years. I had prepared myself thoroughly. I had given myself the full sensible lecture about change and time and the unreliability of memory, about how anticipation almost always outran reality, about how the version of him I'd been carrying around in my head was almost certainly inflated, softened, made more significant by distance and longing and the tendency of the human mind to mythologise what it couldn't have. My preparation was completely useless. He was taller than I'd remembered, or maybe I'd just stopped accounting for the way he occupied space — that particular stillness of his, the quality of attention he brought to a room, like everything in it was worth noticing. He'd filled out through the shoulders. There were faint lines at the corners of his eyes that hadn't been there at twenty-eight. His dark hair was shorter. He was wearing a simple grey jumper and dark trousers and he looked, infuriatingly, like time had simply agreed with him. His eyes found mine. "Ava." Just my name. One word, unhurried, like he'd had it sitting somewhere convenient and had simply reached for it. "Marcus." I was very proud of my voice. "Welcome home." "Thanks for coming." He came down the last step and crossed the hallway, and we did the thing — the brief hug of two people who were technically family-adjacent, familiar enough for contact, careful enough to keep it short. His hand at my back lasted barely three seconds. It was nothing. It was completely insufficient. "You look well," he said, stepping back. "London agreed with you," I said. "Parts of it." Something brief in his expression that I couldn't read. "It's good to be back." Dinner was everything a Calloway family dinner always was — loud and warm and full, Patricia pressing seconds on everyone, Gerald telling the fishing story that everyone had heard minimum six times, Jade stealing bread rolls off other people's plates and denying it. Marcus sat across from me, which was either a coincidence or a design flaw in Patricia's seating arrangement, and ate and spoke and listened the way he always had, with that quality of full presence that I had once described to Renee — on a very honest evening, after two glasses of wine — as the thing about him I found most difficult to be near. He asked about the bakery. He asked with the particular attention of someone who actually wanted to know the answer rather than someone filling conversational space, and I answered, and we talked, and it was easy in the way it had always been easy between us, which was precisely the problem with Marcus Calloway: he was not difficult to be near. He was too easy to be near. He made it simple in a way that made being sensible much harder than it had any right to be. Twice across the table I looked up and found him already watching me. Both times he didn't look away immediately. I told myself it meant nothing. He was re-orienting, re-mapping the people around him after six years. That was all. After dessert, while Patricia was clearing plates and Jade and her father had drifted into a conversation about her new flat, there was a brief quiet. Marcus sat with his wine glass, unhurried, in no rush to fill the silence. I watched his hands around the stem of the glass. And then I noticed it. It was a small thing. A glint, a catch of light, so subtle that I very nearly missed it. His right hand rested on the table and his left was wrapped around the glass, and on the fourth finger of his left hand there was a band — simple, gold, unmistakable. Everything in me went very still. He followed my gaze. Looked at his own hand for a moment, something passing across his face that I wasn't quick enough to name before it was gone. Then he looked up at me, and his expression was quiet and direct and perfectly composed. "I should mention," he said, his voice low enough that it stayed between us. "I'm engaged." The candle between us didn't flicker. The table went on talking around us, warm and oblivious. I held his gaze and said nothing for exactly two seconds. Then I picked up my wine glass, smiled the way I had learned to smile when something cost me something, and said, "Congratulations, Marcus." He watched me for a moment longer than was strictly necessary. "Thank you," he said. I drank my wine. Across the table, Jade laughed at something her father said, and the warm noise of the family filled in the silence, and I sat with the knowledge settling into my bones like cold weather coming in. He was home. And he belonged to someone else.January arrived in Sydney with the full commitment of a summer that had decided to make itself known. The heat was serious in the way Sydney January heat was serious — not aggressive, not the punishing concrete heat of a New York summer, but pervasive, the kind that arrived before dawn and settled into everything and made the city move at a different pace than the rest of the year. I had adapted. This was the thing I noticed most about myself in January, the small quiet evidence of someone who had been somewhere long enough to stop being a visitor. I bought a second fan for the flat above the Newtown kitchen. I learned which streets stayed shaded longest in the afternoon. I knew the specific hour the coastal walk was best done to avoid the midday heat and I did it at that hour without having to think about it. I had become someone who lived here. Not permanently. Not with the full weight of a life planted somewhere. But genuinely, in the day-to-day sense of a person who had found
October in Sydney was the beginning of spring. I had forgotten this from the first time. Or not forgotten exactly, more that the seasonal reversal had stopped registering as strange and had simply become part of the texture of being here. The jacaranda trees were beginning their bloom again, the purple arriving slowly on the Surry Hills streets like something being remembered rather than something new. I noticed this. I noticed most things in October with the specific sharpened attention of someone who had decided that noticing the world around her was preferable to being inside her own head. I had been in Sydney for four months. --- Patrick had been good about the hours. In July and August I had worked too much and he had let me because he understood why and because the kitchen needed the help and because sometimes the most useful thing you could do for someone was simply give them somewhere to put their hands. By September he had started gently redirecting me. "Go," he said
The days after the hospital blurred together in a way that made it difficult, later, to remember them individually. I was discharged on a Thursday. Renee drove me home and helped me up the stairs and stayed the first night on my couch without asking if she should, just doing it, because some things didn't require asking. I didn't go to the bakeries. Sam and Maya ran the four locations between them with Renee checking in remotely, and I lay in my apartment with the blinds drawn and the days passing in a way that had no real shape to them. Morning became afternoon became evening without my participation. I ate when Renee put food in front of me. I slept in long broken stretches that left me more tired than before. I did not look at my phone. It sat on the kitchen counter accumulating messages I didn't read, the screen lighting up periodically with names I couldn't bring myself to see. Jade. Patricia. Marcus, fewer times than the others, as if he understood better than anyone that h
I woke up to white light and a quiet so complete it felt like its own kind of sound. For a moment I didn't know where I was. The ceiling above me was unfamiliar, fluorescent panels in a grid, and there was a dull ache low in my body that hadn't been there before, and an IV line taped to the back of my hand that I stared at for several seconds before understanding what it meant. Then I remembered. The bakery. The table. The blood on my thighs. Gavin's hands lifting me. The car. The road blurring past the windows. I turned my head. Renee was in the chair beside the bed, her coat still on, her hands folded tightly in her lap in a way that wasn't like her at all. Gavin was standing near the window, arms crossed, looking at something outside that I didn't think he was actually seeing. "Renee," I said. My voice came out cracked and small. She was at my side instantly, taking my hand, the IV hand, careful of the line. "Hey," she said. "Hey, you're awake." "What happened," I said.
I had not told anyone by the following Tuesday. Not Renee. Not Jade. Not Marcus. Not because I had decided not to tell them. Because I had not yet found the right words and I had always been someone who waited for the right words rather than using the approximate ones. Renee looked at me on M
The days after Jade left were quiet in the wrong way. Not the productive quiet of a bakery before the rush. The quiet of something broken that had not yet finished breaking. Jade didn't call. She didn't text. She was giving me the specific silence that was worse than anger, the silence that
May became June and the secret held. Not because we were hiding it with the specific anxious energy of people doing something wrong. More because the correct order of things required time and we were giving it the time it required. Marcus was at Davis's. Isabelle was in the Tribeca apartment. The
I went to the bakery at five. The Cobble Hill kitchen received me the way it always received me at unreasonable hours — without judgment, warm from the overnight pilot lights, smelling of the day before in the specific way closed bakeries smelled when they had been working hard and had been given
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