Chapter 1

Hindi ako nakatulog.

Or kung nakatulog man ako, siguro mga sampung minuto lang ’yun, yung tipong pagkapikit mo, may konting pahinga sa utak, tapos biglang babalik yung kaba, parang alarm clock na walang snooze.

Pagmulat ko, madilim pa rin sa kwarto. Alam kong maaga pa, pero hindi ko na mababalik ang tulog ko kahit anong pilit. Parang may kamay na humahawak sa dibdib ko, mahigpit, hindi ako pinapalaya.

“Shoot,” bulong ko habang nakahiga, staring at the faint glow ng streetlights na pumapasok sa blinds. Ang tahimik ng buong dorm floor, pero sa loob ko, ang ingay—parang may drumline sa ribcage ko na walang balak tumigil.

Ito na ’yun. Ang araw.

Huminga ako nang malalim, kahit parang walang pumapasok. I pressed my palms sa mukha ko, hoping plastic-bag-over-my-head feeling would disappear, pero hindi. Nandun pa rin. Clinging. Heavy.

Tumagilid ako to check my phone.

7:04 AM.

Wala pa ring message from Ryan.

Wala man lang “Good morning.” Wala man lang kahit simpleng “See you later.”

Wala. As in dead air.

Umupo ako nang dahan-dahan sa kama, feeling the cold floor through my socks. My head hurts, yung parang sumisikip yung temples ko. I don’t know if it’s from lack of sleep or crying or both.

Probably both.

Nilingon ko saglit ang sketchbook sa bedside table. Nandun pa rin yung drawing ng babe sa ulan—ako. I almost reach for it, pero umatras agad ang kamay ko. Hindi ko kaya. Not right now.

Tumayo ako at nag-inat, kahit naninigas ang katawan ko. Then I grab my towel and toiletries. Maybe a shower will help. Maybe kahit saglit lang, ma-wash off neto yung anxiety ko.

Pero paglabas ko ng dorm room at pag-tungtong ko sa hallway, I froze.

Sophie.

She’s at the end of the corridor, kausap yung blockmate naming si Lianne. Naka‑white cropped hoodie siya and tiny denim shorts kahit medyo malamig pa, hair in a messy bun that somehow still looks perfect. Natural na natural. P*******t girl in real life.

Narinig ko pa si Lianne nag‑giggle. “Girl, you really looked so cute kahapon, swear. Bagay talaga sa ’yo yung pink dress.”

Sophie laughs, soft pero high-pitched. “Thanks! I might wear it again next week, actually.”

I grip my towel tighter.

Of course.

Of course ngayong araw na pinaka-ayaw kong makatagpo ng kahit sino, siya pa talaga ang unang nakita ko.

I took a step backward, inch by inch, praying na hindi niya ako mapansin. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ngayong umaga. Not when I’m already feeling like a cracked plate na konting hawak lang, mababasag na.

Pero malas talaga siguro ako lately.

“Diane?”

Parang slow motion akong napalingon.

Sophie is smiling at me, friendly, warm, effortless. Exactly the kind of smile na gusto mong ibalik, pero hindi mo magawa kasi may bara sa lalamunan mo.

“Oh—uh… hi,” I manage to say, faking a smile, clutching my towel like it’s a shield.

“You look tired,” sabi niya agad, eyes scanning me.

Ouch. Hindi ko alam kung meant as concern or shade, pero either way, tinamaan ako.

“Late night studying?” dagdag niya.

“Something like that,” sagot ko, trying to sound normal.

She tilts her head, like she’s thinking about something. Then, almost hesitantly, she asks:

“Hey… I heard you and Ryan… Are you guys okay?”

Parang tumigil yung mundo. My heart drops.

“What?” I whisper, barely audible.

“Oh!” she waves her hands quickly, flustered. “No, I mean, not like that! It’s just… napansin ko lang na you weren’t together yesterday. And he seemed kind of… off? Akala ko baka may something lang. Sorry, wala naman akong ibig sabihin.”

Off.

Si Ryan. Napansin niya. Napansin niya agad. Bumigat lalo yung dibdib ko.

“Yeah,” I force out. “We’re… okay. I think.”

Sophie’s brows furrow a little. “I hope so. You’re really sweet together.”

Sweet together. What a sick joke. I manage a small smile, then mumble, “I’ll go ahead. Maliligo pa ako.”

“Sure! See you later!” she chirps, turning back to Lianne.

Pagliko ko sa corner papuntang restroom, halos manghina yung tuhod ko.

Hindi ko mapigilang mag-isip. Why does she care? Is she being nice? Or is she being… curious? Interested? Involved?

Damn it.

Pagdating ko sa restroom, sinara ko agad yung pinto at napa‑sandal. My throat tightens. My eyes sting. I shook my head hard.

“No. No crying. Hindi pa puwede.”

Nag-shower ako nang mabilis, hoping the cold water would snap me out of it. Pero habang tumatama yung tubig sa likod ko, memories of Ryan flood in.

Yung first time naming mag-date outside campus, where he ordered the wrong drink for me pero we laughed about it anyway. Yung mga late-night calls namin while he worked on his thesis and I sketched random stuff on my bed. Yung soft kisses sa forehead ko whenever I looked stressed, sabay sabihin na, “I’m here, okay?”

I choke.

Where is that Ryan now?

Nasaan na ’yung “I’m here”?

Because lately, he hasn’t been here. Not really.

Paglabas ko ng shower, mas malamig pa rin yung pakiramdam ko. I walk back to my room, towel still around my hair. And when I open the door, I stare at my reflection sa small mirror above my desk.

Puffy eyes.

Red nose.

Tired expression.

Round cheeks.

Large hoodie swallowing my frame.

I look like someone na madaling kalimutan sa crowd.

Someone replaceable. Someone like me.

I sigh, then start getting ready. White shirt. Jeans. My usual. Wala na akong lakas to even pretend to look cute today.

By the time I leave the dorm, medyo umaaraw na, but the ground is still wet. The smell of damp soil fills the campus air, and usually gusto ko yung amoy na ’yun. Soothing. Peaceful.

Pero ngayon, it just reminds me of last night.

I walk to class slowly, each step heavier than the last. Students pass me, laughing, talking about exams, org events, crushes. Normal life. A world still spinning.

Habang ako… my world feels suspended. Waiting. Dreading.

My phone vibrates.

Bilis ng heartbeat ko, literal parang nag-skip.

I take it out slowly.

A message from Ryan. “After Lit class. Same spot.”

Same spot.

Meaning: the benches near the old acacia tree, kung saan kami unang nag-usap ng matagal. Kung saan niya ako tinanong kung gusto ko raw ba siyang makasama sa film fest screening instead of my blockmates.

Same spot. Same everything. And today, that spot will probably witness something ending.

I swallow hard and respond: “Okay.”

No emojis. No anything.

I slip my phone back sa bag at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

Literature class passes in a blur. Para akong nakaupo pero wala akong naririnig. The professor is talking about metaphors in contemporary Philippine fiction, pero ang utak ko nasa sariling metaphors ko. Ako ’yung storm. Ako ’yung girl sa drawing. Ako ’yung ending na ayaw tanggapin.

Sa likod ng classroom, naririnig ko yung soft giggles ng ilang girls, including Sophie. She’s in the same class. Of course she is. Of course destiny is this cruel.

Once, nung unang pumasok siya sa class namin, I liked her. She was friendly, mabait, hindi intimidating kahit maganda siya. She complimented my notebook doodles. She asked me where I got my stickers. She said she adored my eyeliner style.

But now?

I can’t even bring myself to look at her. Not because she did something wrong, but because everything about her reminds me of something I’m scared to lose.

When the bell finally rings, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

My hands are cold. My knees feel weak. And when I stand, parang nag-shift yung paligid. I gather my things slowly, hoping magically may mag-text na biglang, “Hey never mind, no need to talk,” pero wala.

Everyone files out. Sophie passes my row, smiling politely. “Bye, Diane!”

I nod but I don’t speak.

Pagdating ko sa old acacia tree, nakaupo na si Ryan sa bench. Head down. Playing with his hands. Something he does when he’s nervous.

My heart breaks a little more. He doesn’t see me yet, so I take a moment to breathe. I study him quietly. His black jacket, his slightly messy hair, his familiar profile. The boy I fell for. The boy I love.

When I finally step closer, he looks up. And just from his eyes, alam ko na. This isn’t a misunderstanding. This isn’t a simple “let’s talk.” This isn’t a small bump sa relationship.

This is goodbye.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hi,” I whisper.

I sit beside him, leaving a small space between us. He notices.

He sighs. a long one. “Diane… thank you for coming.”

“Of course,” I say. “You said we need to talk.”

He nods, biting his lip and then it starts. “Things have been… different lately. I know you feel it. And I didn’t want to pretend na everything is okay.”

I look down at my hands. “Yeah.”

Silence. Then, “I think… we should take a break.”

Just like that. No sugarcoating. No soft cushion. No delicate wrapping. Straight. Honest. Brutal. Parang ulan.

My breath catches. I blink fast. “O-Okay,” I manage to say, kahit halos walang boses.

“Diane…” He reaches for my hand, but stops halfway. Pulls back. That hurts more than anything. “You’re amazing. You’re kind, and talented, and you make me laugh—”

“Please,” I whisper, voice trembling. “Don’t list reasons. That makes it worse.”

He swallows hard. “Sorry.”

Another silence.

“Is it me?” tanong ko, kahit takot na takot ako sa sagot.

He shakes his head quickly. “No. No, Diane. It’s not you. It’s me. I just… I feel lost. I don’t know what I want right now.”

My chest clenches. Lost. Don’t know what he wants. Classic lines. Lines boys always use when they want to leave but can’t say why.

I nod slowly. “Okay.”

He looks at me, really looks at me. And for a moment, may softness, may guilt, may regret. But not enough to stay.

Never enough to stay.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers again.

I force a small smile even though my heart is crumbling. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” he says, voice breaking a little.

But he still chooses to walk away from us. From me.

“Is… is there someone else?” I ask. Barely breathing.

Ryan’s eyes widen. “What? No. Diane, no. Wala. I swear.”

“Okay,” I say again.

Because what else can I say? What else can I do? How do you fight for someone who already let go?

We talk a little more—but nothing changes. Nothing heals. Nothing stops the inevitable.

When he finally stands, I feel the bench get colder.

“I’ll give you space,” he says softly.

“Okay.”

“Take care, Diane.”

“You too.”

And then he walks away. Not fast, not slow. Just enough.

I watch his back and I realized, this is the last time I’ll see him walk away as mine. Tears fall. Quiet. Gentle. Almost careful.

Parang pag-ulan na napagod na rin.

I wipe my eyes, pero tuloy pa rin sila. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako tatayo. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako uuwi. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula ulit.

Pero alam ko ’to:

Today, something ended. And I don’t know when, or if, I’ll ever be okay again.