Chapter 4

May mga araw na mabigat. May mga araw na mas mabigat. Pero ito—ito yata ang araw na literal na ayaw ko nang gumising. Yung tipong pagkadilat mo pa lang, gusto mo nang ipikit ulit kasi alam mong wala namang magbabago. Alam mong sa oras na tumapak ka sa labas ng pinto, ibang mundo ang sasalubong—isang mundong hindi mo naman piniling pasukin.

Pero kailangan.

Kailangan kong pumasok.

Kailangan kong harapin yung campus kahit gusto ko nang magkulong, magtago,m at maglaho.

"Lord," bulong ko habang nag-aayos ng bag, "konting awa naman."

Huminga ako nang malalim, binuhat ang bag ko, at lumabas ng dorm.

The hallway felt colder than usual—o baka ako lang talaga. Students walked past me, laughing, chatting, scrolling through their phones. Normal life.

Pero sabay-sabay silang tumahimik nang makita ako.

Actual silence.

Napatingin sila. Napatingin ako pabalik—hindi dahil confident ako, kundi dahil nagulat ako sa reaksyon nila.

May bulungan. May pabulong na tawa. May nakataas ang kilay. May nangu-nguso. At may nakatingin lang diretso, walang hiya-hiya.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad, hoping na baka nag-i-inarte lang yung utak ko. Maybe paranoid lang ako.

Pero habang papunta ako sa main building, dumadami ang nakakakilalang tingin. Yung iba, nag-uusap. Yung iba, dumidistansya na parang may masamang ginawa ako. Yung iba, pasimpleng kumukuha ng picture.

Pictures.

Kinilabutan ako.

Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari, pero ramdam kong may kumalat.

May nagpakalat.

My stomach twisted. Baka si Sophie? Baka yung patakbong eksena kahapon?

Hindi ko alam—pero ramdam ko.

Pagdating ko sa lobby ng building, doon ko unang narinig nang malinaw.

“Yan yung girl na tinulak daw si Sophie kahapon.”

“Ang lala. Tapos umiiyak pa siya? Ang kapal.”

“Grabe… jealous much?”

“Bakit niya aawayin si Sophie? Ano bang nagawa nun? Ang bait nga nun, ’di ba?”

“Parang ang clingy kasi nitong Diane. Hiwalay na nga sila ni Ryan, nanggugulo pa.”

My ears rang.

My vision blurred for a split second.

Hindi ko alam kung tatakbo ba ako o sisigaw. Pero wala akong ginawa. Tumayo lang ako roon, tulala, habang pinapanood nila ako na parang zoo animal.

I swallowed hard.

“Hindi totoo ‘yan…” I whispered to myself.

Pero kahit sabihin ko pa nang paulit-ulit, walang maniniwala.

The more I walked, the louder it became.

Bulong.

Tawa.

Pandidiri.

Judgment.

Dumating ako sa classroom na nanginginig ang kamay. I wasn’t ready. Hindi ko kayang harapin lahat. Pero kailangan—kasi pag umabsent ako ngayon, lalo lang lalaki ang kwento.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto, lahat sila sabay-sabay napatingin.

Literally everyone.

Yung iba nagtatago pa ng phone nila sa ilalim ng desk.

Kaklase ko ’tong mga ’to.

Mga taong kasabay kong kumain sa cafeteria.

Mga taong minsan tumabi sa akin sa bench.

Pero ngayon?

Parang hindi nila ako kilala.

Or mas nakakatakot—kilala nila ako bilang kontrabida.

I forced myself to walk toward my seat, kahit nanginginig na yung tuhod ko.

Pero bago pa ako makarating—

Someone stuck out her foot.

Hindi ko agad nakita.

Natapilok ako.

Nalaglag ang books ko.

Natumba ako sa sahig.

Tumawa mga classmates ko—hindi malakas, pero sapat para maramdaman kong hindi ako nag-iisa sa kahihiyan ko.

“Ay sorry,” sabi nung girl na nag-trip sa akin, fake concern dripping from her voice. “Di mo nakita paa ko. Ang laki mo kasi.”

The entire class snickered.

Parang may sumipa sa dibdib ko.

Pinulot ko yung books ko, pilit nilulunok yung sakit. “Okay lang,” sabi ko nang mahina. Kahit obvious namang hindi.

Pag-upo ko, may papel na tumama sa bag ko.

Crushed paper.

Binuksan ko.

Isang drawing.

Ako—pero chibi style.

Nakaluhod.

Umiiyak.

Habang may speech bubble:

“Please Ryan, choose me huuhuuhu”

Another chibi—si Sophie—nakangiti, pretty, perfect.

At may isa pang Ryan, clinging to her.

I felt my throat tighten.

My hands shook so hard na halos di ko na mabasa yung drawing.

I crumpled it and hid it inside my bag before anyone could see the tears in my eyes.

I shouldn’t cry.

Hindi ako puwedeng umiyak dito.

Not in front of them.

Not when they already think I’m pathetic.

Class started, but I heard nothing.

I stared at my notebook.

Blank.

Just like my brain.

Just like my dignity.

Hindi ako makapag-focus.

Hindi ako makapag-isip.

Ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay echoes ng bulungan.

“Desperate.”

“Clingy.”

“Crazy.”

“Jealous freak.”

I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood.

Pagkatapos ng class, everyone spilled out into the hallway. I tried blending in, hoping mawawala yung attention, pero hindi.

Hindi talaga.

Three girls approached me—hindi ko masyadong kilala pero mas kilala nila si Sophie.

“Oh my God, Diane,” sabi nung isa with exaggerated sweetness, “next time wag ka naman manggugulo ng tao.”

“Yeah,” dagdag nung isa, arms crossed. “Bakit mo tinulak si Sophie? Ang sama mo pala.”

“I didn’t push her,” I said calmly, kahit nanginginig yung boses ko. “She lied.”

“Wow,” sabi nung pangatlo, smirking. “So she’s the liar? Ikaw yung umiyak sa hallway kahapon like a psycho pero siya ang may kasalanan?”

I stared at them.

Speechless.

Defeated.

Wounded.

“Please,” I whispered. “Tigilan niyo naman ako.”

They laughed.

“Tigilan ka? Eh ikaw nga ’tong troublemaker.”

“You made Sophie cry.”

“Si Sophie! Na sobrang bait!”

“Yeah. Ikaw ‘tong insecure, tapos siya pa ang ginugulo mo.”

Before I could respond, may sumigaw from the other side of the hallway—

“Uy! Andyan sila Sophie!”

Biglang nagkagulo. Students looked behind me.

At doon ko siya nakita.

Walking elegantly.

Hair bouncing.

Eyes sparkling.

And clinging— clinging to Ryan’s arm.

Parang scene sa teen drama. Parang slow motion. Parang lahat naka-focus sa kanila.

At ako?

I was the contrast.

The problem.

The villain.

Sophie spotted me first.

Her expression softened dramatically.

Too dramatically.

As if she was hurt just by seeing me.

Ryan followed her gaze.

And our eyes met.

For one second.

One painful, breaking, heart-shattering second.

His eyes?

Cold.

Empty.

Unrecognizing.

Like I was some stranger in the street causing trouble, not the girl he once held, not the girl he once loved.

Inside me, something cracked open.

“Ryan…” my voice trembled before I could stop it.

I stepped forward—just one tiny step, helplessly, instinctively—like muscle memory pulling me toward him because he used to be safety.

He used to be home.

“Ryan, can we… can we talk?” I asked softly, my voice barely audible over the chatter.

Sophie tightened her grip on his arm immediately, as if signaling she felt threatened.

“Ryan…” I tried again, desperate. “Please.”

Bumuka ang bibig niya.

But no warmth came.

No concern.

No recognition.

Just—

Disgust.

“Diane,” he said, voice flat, “stop.”

Parang sampal.

Hindi literal, pero ramdam ko yung sakit. Yung init. Yung hapdi.

Parang sinabunutan ako ng realidad.

The hallway quieted.

Everyone watched.

Every breath felt like a spotlight on me.

“Please…” I whispered, unable to hold back the tears. “Hindi ko naman ginawa yung—”

“Stop lying,” he cut in sharply.

I flinched.

Mas malakas pa sa sigaw yung tono niya kahit hindi siya sumigaw.

Sophie leaned her head gently on his shoulder, as if hurt by the confrontation. “Ryan… okay lang. She’s just… upset.”

But her eyes flickered.

Smirking.

Triumphant.

“She’s not upset,” Ryan said coldly. “She’s causing drama again.”

Tumawa yung ibang nakikinig.

I covered my mouth, trying to hold myself together.

“I’m not causing drama,” I sobbed. “I’m telling the truth. Ryan, hindi ko siya tinulak—”

“You hurt her,” he snapped. “Sophie told me everything.”

“And you believed her over me?” I cried.

“Yes.”

Walang pag-aalinlangan. Walang hesitation.

“Yes, Diane. I believe her.”

Those words shattered me more than the breakup itself.

Kasi ngayon… hindi lang siya umalis.

Pinili niyang saktan ako.

Publicly.

Harshly.

Cruelly.

Students murmured around us.

“Grabe.”

“Ang pathetic niya.”

“She can’t accept na ayaw na siya.”

Bumabagsak na yung luha ko kahit pilit ko silang pinupunasan.

“Ryan… please…” I whispered. “Makinig ka muna.”

Pero bago pa ako makalapit—

Sophie stepped in front of him, blocking me.

“Diane, please,” she said gently, but loud enough for everyone to hear. “You’re scaring me.”

That was it.

Boom.

Explosion.

People gasped.

Others laughed.

Some whispered “delusional.”

Ryan stepped forward protectively, placing an arm around her, shielding her from me like I was some dangerous monster.

“Don’t come near her,” he warned.

My mouth opened—pero walang lumabas.

My hands shook.

My breath came out in broken pieces.

“I was your girlfriend…” I whispered shakily. “Don’t you even care how much this hurts?”

He looked at me.

Straight in the eyes.

Then said—

“No.”

I lost all strength.

All air.

All pride.

Everything.

Students snickered, pitiful but amused. Others simply stared, entertained. Parang silang nanonood ng live meltdown.

My knees felt weak. Parang lalaglag ako.

But Ryan turned away.

Just like that.

As if I wasn’t even there.

As if I was nothing.

“Let’s go, Sophie,” he murmured.

She nodded, leaning closer to him, wrapping her hand around his arm delicately.

And together…

They walked away.

Leaving me.

Again.

But this time…

They didn’t leave quietly.

Hindi sila umalis privately. Hindi nila ako iniwan nang kami lang. This time, they walked away while everyone watched. While everyone whispered. While everyone judged. While everyone believed her.

And no one believed me.

I stood there.

Alone.

Destroyed.

Staring at the backs of the two people who stole my heart…

and crushed it together.

My breath trembled. My hands dropped to my sides.

The hallway blurred. Voices blurred. Everything blurred.

And all I heard was the sound of my own heart breaking— over and over and over and over again.