FOUR

Now, it wasn’t the memories of that night that hurt me so much, rather, it was the fact that I had woken up the next morning to find myself alone in my bed, I had pulled myself together and had immersed myself in a tub of warm water to soothe my spent and sore body. I had woken up with a bad feeling gnawing at my nerves, somehow I knew that I had made the greatest mistake of my life by letting this happen, I knew that I could no longer force aside my attraction for him, I knew that I had fallen completely and absolutely.

I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, and when I did see him the next day he had attempted to walk past me as though nothing had happened at all.

*flashback*

“Wait”. I said.

He didn’t stop this time, he just kept on walking as though I hadn’t spoken at all, as though I wasn’t even there. I felt my heart constrict painfully and it didn’t take much for my tears to break free.

“Wait, please”. I said again, my voice had never sounded more broken.

He turned around to face me and the sharpness in his eyes had my breath hitching and my stomach clenching.

“I’m in no mood to deal with this, Alexa”. He said. ”I’ll be blunt with you, yesterday was a mistake, forget about it”.

My eyes widened in horror and I stared at him with tears streaming down my cheeks.

“A mistake?”. I asked him.

He nodded.

“I’m sorry, but that’s all it is; a mistake”. He said. “Please forget about it, for your sake as well as mine”.

I shook my head; I couldn’t just accept that, I couldn’t just let it go like that.

“No, no I can’t”. I cried. “I can’t just forget. It was my first time”.

“I’m sorry”. Was all he said.

He turned to leave again but I reached out quickly and held his hand. And just like that, he turned around, grabbed my shoulders and backed me against a wall and I found myself sandwiched between the hard wall and the heartless bastard that was supposed to be my husband.

“Let it go. Forget about it”. He said to me.

I blinked and more tears left my eyes. I felt as though a knife had been plunged into my heart harshly, I felt as though a bucket of freezing cold water had been splashed at my face, as though I had been slapped so hard that a thousand lights exploded behind my eyes, I felt as though the air had been knocked out of my lungs.

“I…I will not forgive you if you just throw this away”. I croaked quietly.

He nodded.

“I didn’t expect you to, not when I won’t forgive myself either”. He said.

With that, he let go of me and walked away. And it took nine months for me to see him again.

*end*

“Alexa”.

I blinked on when his voice snapped me out of my heartbreaking reverie. I sniffled quietly as I wiped the tears that had wet my cheeks.

“Leave”. I said to him, my gaze wearily met his; he still looked at alluring and captivating as ever, his eyes were still so mesmerizing, his dark hair, his pale skin, he still looked perfect. “And don’t come back”.

He couldn’t hurt me if he wasn’t here, he couldn’t hurt me anymore than he already had.

“I am so sorry, Alexa”. He said, the way he looked at me; with such pity and shame, I hated it so very much, I hated him.

“For what?”. I asked him quietly. “For not being there when I needed you?”.

He remained quiet but his gaze never left mine.

“I called, I texted, I tried to reach you”. I said. “You cut me out”.

“I apologize for that”. He said.

I shook my head. I could never accept that.

“I was pregnant with your child! I was depressed and all alone”. I choked out.

He averted his gaze from mine.

“But you weren’t alone, were you?”. He said.

I stared at him waiting for him to elaborate. And when his gaze met mine again I saw nothing but resignation.

“Were you truly alone, Alexa?”. He asked me. “You didn’t seek warmth in Micheal’s arms?”.

And once again I felt as though I had been stabbed, I felt as though the wind had been choked out of my lungs once more and I stared at him with even more tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt almost faint now.

“You…bastard”. I cried quietly. “You left me! I…I almost lost my life! Micheal was there when I needed someone, he’s more of a man than you ever will be…”.

I had been so depressed, I had been losing my mind slowly, and had Micheal not been there for me I would have surely died. I had been admitted in the hospital for a month, and had Micheal not implored me to think about my baby I probably wouldn’t have gotten better at all.

He nodded.

“Of course, he stood by you”. He said, he seemed to have made peace with it all. “He hardly left your side for the past two weeks”.

My throat constricted once more and all I could do was sob quietly. Just thinking about Micheal had me crying harder.

“You have no right to judge me”. I cried quietly.

“No, not at all”. He said. “I do not judge you, Alexa, I just want you to know that I’m sorry for what I put you through”.

I just couldn’t understand him, I hated that he was standing there seeming so composed and poised, I couldn't suppress the urge to just lunged at him, I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. And weak as I was, I pushed the covers off me and begun climbing off the bed but he held my shoulders down. I was way too weak to struggle with him.

“I hate you”. I cried. “I hate you”.