Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"You lied to me..."

Halata ang hindi kasiguraduhan sa kanyang tono. Parang mas naging tanong iyon dahil naghihintay siya ng pag protesta ko para makumpirma kung totoo. And I know he's hoping that it isn't true.

Pero hindi ako sumagot.

Nakagat ko ang labi ko habang nilalaro ang pagkain sa aking plato. Maraming tao dito sa napili naming restaurant pero siniguro naming malayo ito sa mga estudyante ng Monte Carlos kaya imposibleng may makakilala pa samin dito.

Padarag nyang nilapag ang kanyang baso sa lamesa. Tinitigan niya ako na parang nag mamakaawang sabihin ko mismo ang totoo.

"Joy, akala ko ba magkikita kayo ng Mommy mo?", frustrated niyang sinuklay ang kanyang buhok.

"Akala ko ba hindi ka makakapunta kasi may pinangako kang dinner sa kanya?"

I'm not. Nasa Manila si Mommy.

Naramdaman kong hindi niya ako tinatantanan ng titig. Naghihintay ng sagot pero wala siyang nakuha sa akin.

"Tapos, hindi ko pa malalaman na nandoon ka pala kung hindi ko pa narinig yung pangalan mo sa Found Night Queen?! "

He ruthlessly eyed me. I remain staring at my plate.

My friends are happy for me that night to win the crown but I'm not. Because it will only mean that Harry would know I'm there. Hindi sa pag-aassume pero may posibilidad na marinig niya dahil kalalabas lang naman nila nang oras na 'yon. And it's what I wanted to avoid. Kasi mauungkat na naman ang nangyari kagabi. Tulad ngayon, mauungkat at mauungakat parin yung isyu ko sa kanya. Maaalala ko na naman kung pa' no ko nasaksihan ang ginawa niya----kung pa'no niya ako ginago.

"Joy, magsabi ka naman ng totoo!" he demanded. "Why do you have to lie? "

Kumulo lalo ang dugo ko sa sarili kong sagot. If I never lied to surprise him, hindi ko pa malalaman ang panlolokong ginagawa niya sa akin. Without my lies, hindi ko malalaman na tinatraydor na pala ako patalikod.

What he asked me is something that I couldn't take. Mabigat para sakin ang paratang niya kasi alam kong hindi iyon ang point. Kahit saan ko hagilapin ang pasensya, dumadaan parin sa isip ko ang katotohanan na siya mismo ay nag sinungaling din. Hindi lang ako. Gusto kong sabihin yon sa kanya. But in the end I was afraid.

Hindi ako kumibo. I continued glaring at my plate. This is the reason why I don't want to talk to him. Kasi nasaktan ka na nga ng gabing 'yon, tapos mauulit pang muli kasi kailangan mong sabihin yung problema. Kailangang mapag-usapan. The problem will always hunt you down kahit anong pilit mong umiwas. And now, I can't escape from this.

I don't really want to talk about this.

Pero ano pang magagawa ko. Andyan na. It is now or never. At least minsanan nalang yung sakit. Pagkatapos nito, minsanan na lang yung iyak.

Sana.

"Joy! " I was pulled back in reality when I heard him calling me. His face is red. Inis na inis na. Para siyang bulkang gustong sumabog.

"Why did you lie to me?!" he asked again.

"Mahirap ba akong pag katiwalaan?" he paused for a second and clenched his jaw after realizing that I won't answer his question and by that he knew the answer.

"Know what," he pursed his lips. "If this is all about your trust issues and the terms in this relationship, please... I'm tired. If you're not sure about this, then let just quit this shit."

Hindi na ako nakapag timpi. "Bakit ako nagsinungaling?" I asked his question but it sounded like a mock.

He looked at me like his reading my soul. Parang kahit mata ko'y kayang-kaya intindihin. For a moment, I wonder what I looked like. Ganon na ba ako ka vulnerable sakanya?

Sometimes I wonder, dapat bang maging transparent ako sakanya or I should maintain my guards up. Because this is not certain. Mahirap tumawid sa tulay na hindi mo alam kung saan pupunta or kung ligtas ba. Why did I think about these things? Kasi kahit gusto kong maniwala na ako yung makakapagpabago sa kanya, there still times that my hopes were shaken by fear of destiny. Kasi pa'no kung hindi talaga siya at hindi rin ako? I'm always confused.

"That night, I lied because I want to surprise you, " and I was ready to introduce you to my friends.

I want to tell him that but decided against it. Tama na. It will be more painful to my ego. And I can't afford it any more. Masyado ng masakit sa pride.

"Kasi last year na natin 'to and want to spend it with you, " tumingin ako sa kanya.

"But that surprise was epic... " Natawa ako ng pagak habang naiiling. This is like remembering last night again. Of how he betrayed me and how I became stupid .

Ah, hindi pala. I bet matagal niya na akong pinagmumukhang tanga. Ngayon lang nahighlight at napatunayan.

"... because instead of you,  I am the one who's surprised. "

Sa isang iglap nag bago ang sitwasyon. Ang kaninang mabangis na Leon ay nagmistulang kuting.

Regrets, that's what I see.

I looked at him with flare on my eyes. "Now, answer me, " I paused. "Why did you cheated on me?"

A moment of silence. I gritted my teeth. Bracing myself for an answer or more like, another lie from him.

"Joy..." he softly said.

Tangina.

Alam niya.

Alam niya kung anong kagaguhan ang ginawa niya kagabi.

Mas lalo akong nahiya sa sarili ko nang marinig ang magaan niyang boses.

Para akong hinihele sa pag susumamo sa sobrang lambing.  He tried to reach my hand but I didn't give in. I remain on my side. Ayokong matunaw ang galit napilit kong pinatibay bago ko siya hinarap.

"Don't give me that shit, Harry" I said as cold as ice.

"Joy, I didn't cheat on you," sabi nya nang may diin bawat salita. Trying to make it simple just for me to understand but I didn't. Kahit saang anggulo tignan, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit niya nagawa 'yon sakin.

"Don't tell me, nagsisinungaling ka na rin katulad ng ginawa ko kagabi?" I fake a laugh.

He sighed. "Don't make this hard for us, please... " and he gave me a look saying 'stop this, please'.

Mas lalo lang akong nainis. Ako pa? Ako pa ang masama ngayon? Ako ba ang nanakit?

I want to asked him that dahil nanggigil na ako sa lahat ng mga sinasabi nya.

"You're the one making this hard, Harry" I scoffed. "Hindi pa tayo, pero ganyan na ang nangyayari. What more when you and I were in a relationship?"

Natahimik sya. I want to shout at him the pain he cause me that night. Para malaman nya kung ga'no ako naging mukhang kawawa sa sarili ko. I feel so ashamed that night. That even I have a crown, the realization slapped me in the face that I am not enough. That my position is replaceable hence, I am not the permanent owner of the crown of his heart. Sobrang sakit pero 'yon ang totoo.

"That's the reason why I can' t introduce you to my friends. Mapapahiya lang pala ako, " I said. I  shooked my head. Nangingiti ng mapang uyam. "... buti na lang pala. "

Matalim siyang tumingin sakin. The anger and pain is very evident in his eyes.

Hindi ko alam kung masaya akong malaman na nagagalit sya sa sinabi ko o hindi. I don't know if hurting him too would amend my own pain. But one thing is for sure, I won't regret saying it in his face.

"That's the point Joy, hindi pa 'tayo' but you're already acting as if we're in a relationship. Na akala mo, you have the right to pull me by the neck, pero ayaw mo naman ma-commit," he spit each word like it doesn't hurt me at all. Para bang normal na tinapon ang mga salita, hindi iniisip kung nakakasakit o ano.

"You agreed to this set-up, then now you're acting like a victim?" I gritted my teeth to what I heard.

I know I shouldn't be listening to him but as much as I want to be careless and cover my ears for what he's saying, my mind betrayed me. Like my own mind wants to hear it. Para wala na. Para tapos na.

"We both know the arrangement of this thing. Alam mo yan Joy, that this thing has a limit----"

I scoffed. "And now, you're telling me not to care? Anong gusto mo? That we can be together and we can cheat each other at the same time? Are you out of your mind?"

"It's not my po--"

"That's beside the point, Harry!" I angrily shouted. Wala na akong pake alam kung marinig na ng ibang tao ang pinagtatalunan namin. Frustrate na frustrate na ako sa usapang 'to.

"I want your trust!" he shouted.

"Trust is something you can't easily give away, Harry. It should be earned," I said amidst of stuggling to breathe.

"I gave you that trust along time ago but you ignore it."

"I told you... hindi nga kita niloloko," he frustratedly answered.

"Then, what did I saw last night?" I challenged. "

I saw you Harry. Alam kong alam mo kung anong pinag gagagawa mo no'ng gabing yon kaya wag na tayong maglokohan

He averted his eyes on me. He did not speak to defend his side.

"You know I'm afraid of commitment, " I sighed. Sobra akong disappointed sa sarili ko. "Kasi alam kong maraming pwedeng kahinatnan ang set up na' to. And the idea of you being a known playboy wasn't helping me."

"I want to own you but I need to guard myself too, " I croaked. Sobrang baba na ng tingin ko sa sarili. I wonder if may ikakababa pa ako sa lagay kong 'to. "How can I bet if right before my eyes was a reality telling me I already lost?"

Kumakalabog ang dibdib ko kasama ng mabibilis na paghinga. Ayoko na. Pagod na akong magexplain.

"Joy, " he called habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

Naramdaman kong umaagos na pala ang mga luha ko sa'king pisngi. Marahas ko lang itong pinunasan.

Lumipas ang ilang minutong walang nagsasalita sa'min.

"You know what," I broke the silence and stared at him as I wiped the evidences of my pain.

"This arragement made me realized that both of us are not really ready for this."

"Let's just end it here, " I said and left him there unable to speak.