Chapter 4 The Secret I Held

Sam dropped a file on my desk. “Sign this.”

I looked up. “You're very demanding today.”

“You like me better when I'm demanding.”

“I don't.”

“You do.” He smiled.

I hated that smile. Not because there was anything wrong with it. Because it was the same smile he had given me yesterday. The same smile he gave everyone.

“Did you eat?” he asked.

“No.”

“I'm ordering lunch.”

“I don't want anything.”

“Too bad.”

He picked up his phone. “I'm getting you soup.”

“I said I don't want—”

“Soup.”He walked out.

I stared at the door. Then at the coffee beside my hand.

Five years. He knew exactly what I liked. And somehow, he had no idea what I wanted.

I pushed my chair back. I needed air.

The rooftop was empty. I walked straight to the railing and gripped it with both hands. The metal was cold against my palms.

I leaned forward and drew in a slow breath, letting the wind hit my face hard enough to make my eyes water. For a few seconds, I could pretend it wasn't because I was about to cry.

The rooftop door opened behind me. I closed my eyes. Of course, he came.

“Caleste.”

I didn't turn. “Go away.”

Footsteps crossed the concrete. “You disappeared.”

“I needed a break.”

“You could've told me.”

My fingers tightened around the railing. “I didn't know I needed permission.”

“I didn't say you needed permission.”

I finally turned. Sam stood a few feet away, one hand wrapped around a paper coffee cup. My coffee.

He lifted it slightly. “You left this downstairs.”

I stared at the cup. Of all the things he could have brought me.

“Thanks.” I reached for it. Our fingers brushed. I pulled mine back too quickly.

Sam noticed. His eyes dropped to my hand before returning to my face. He didn't say anything. He just stood there. That somehow made it worse.

“What?”

“You're upset.”

“I'm fine.”

His mouth tightened. “You're not.”

I looked away. The city blurred beneath the rooftop railing. “I’m getting married.”

Silence filled the air. I waited. One second, two, three. “I know.”

I turned back. “That’s it?”

His forehead creased. “What else am I supposed to say?”

I gave a short laugh. The sound came out sharper than I intended.

“I don't know.”

“Then tell me.” He took a step closer.

I stepped back.

His expression changed. Not anger. Concern. That familiar concern. The same concern he'd shown me for five years. The same concern that had never meant what I wanted it to mean.

“Doesn't it bother you?” I asked.

His brows drew together. “What?”

“That I'm marrying Adrian.”

“You don't want to marry him?”

“That isn't what I asked.”

He looked at me for a long moment. Then his shoulders lowered slightly. “Caleste, if you don't want to marry him, you don't have to.”

My fingers curled around the coffee cup. “I know.”

“Then what's the problem?”

I looked at him. He really didn't know. My throat tightened.

“Would you care if I did?”

His answer came immediately. “Of course.”

I almost smiled. Then came his next words. “Because you're my friend.”

The smile died before it reached my lips. I lowered my eyes. “Right.”

Sam stepped closer. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Caleste.”

“Stop.”

He stopped. “Stop what?”

I swallowed. “Being nice to me.”

His expression fell. “Why?”

“Because you're making this harder.”

“For you?”

I nodded.

He looked genuinely lost. “I'm trying to help.”

“I know.” My laugh was barely a sound. “That’s the problem.”

He stood there, watching me. I could see the question forming in his eyes. I could see the question forming in his eyes. My fingers curled tighter around the coffee cup.

“Then explain it to me.”

I looked down at the coffee in my hand. The lid trembled slightly. I set it on the railing before he could notice. “Do you remember the first time you came to my apartment?”

He frowned, thinking. “Yeah.”

“You cooked dinner.”

“You hadn't eaten.”

“You stayed until two in the morning.”

“You didn't want to be alone.”

I nodded. “Do you remember when you held me after my first fight with Grandfather?”

“Yes.”

“When you drove three hours because I called you crying?”

His answer came softer this time. “Yes.”

“When Momo got sick?”

“I remember.”

His eyes stayed on mine. “Caleste, where is this going?”

I looked away. My nails dug into my palm. “You remember everything.”

A small, uncertain smile touched his mouth. “Of course I do.”

I shook my head. “No.”

The smile disappeared.

“You remember everything because you're Sam.”

I looked at him again. “You show up. You help. You stay.”

His eyes didn't leave mine.

“You make people feel like they matter.”

He said nothing.

I swallowed. “And I thought…”

My voice caught. I looked down. For one humiliating second, I couldn't finish the sentence.

Sam took another step toward me. “Thought what?”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Caleste.” He reached for my arm.

I flinched before his fingers could touch me. His hand stopped in midair. That tiny hesitation between us almost broke me.

I forced myself to look at him. “You never noticed.”

His brows pulled together. “Noticed what?”

I laughed softly. A tear escaped before I could stop it. I wiped it away quickly. “Me.”

He stared at me. I could see the confusion in his face.

I took a shaky breath. “I've loved you for five years, Sam.”

His entire body went still. The wind pushed my hair across my face. Neither of us moved to fix it.

His lips parted. No words came.

I gave a small, broken laugh. “I kept waiting for you to realize.”

His eyes searched mine. “Caleste…”

I shook my head. “Don't.”

He closed his mouth. I pressed my lips together, trying to keep them from trembling.

“I thought maybe you were just slow.” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “Maybe you needed time.”

I looked at him. “But five years is a long time to wait for someone to notice.”

Sam's face had gone pale. He took a breath. Then another. He couldn't say anything.

I nodded slowly. There it was. The answer I had been terrified to hear. I looked away before he could see how badly I was falling apart.

“You don't feel the same way.” I said it quietly.