Too Late, I Walked Away

From the backseat, I watched them returning to the car after their marriage registration, without saying a word. Over the past seven years, I had exhausted myself to elbow my way in Liam’s world. I learned their favorite board games and even deliberately mimicked their manner of speaking. I thought I could earn a place in his circle as long as I exerted all my energy. But Lyra never had to lift a finger to lock in her with him forever. I finally knew some seats simply weren’t meant to be won through effort.

"What a terrible music!" Lyra suddenly grumbled, frowning as she reached for the center console. "It's noisy!"

The song playing was from my playlist. Liam kept logging into my account because he knew I like to hear my songs in his car.

"Don't be such a pill."

Liam slapped her hand away.

"I’m carsick. I just want something quiet. What's the big deal?"

Lyra retorted, stubbornly reaching for the console again.

Two seconds of silence passed.

"You're such a hassle," Liam muttered, caving in.

Lyra logged out of my account and into hers. A second later, deafening electronic music blasted from the speakers.

Liam chuckled. "So this is quiet?"

"It's pretty quiet," Lyra said flatly. "You’ve a problem with ears."

They started bickering once again, teasing each other about terrible taste in music and movie…they flirted as if I’d never existed at all.

A wave of nausea swept over me. I couldn't tell if it was carsickness or something heavier settling in my chest. Outside, the mountain scenery blurred as I rolled down the window. The cold air poured into the car, making my eyes sting.

Liam glanced at me through the rearview mirror. "It's windy. Roll it up before you catch a cold."

I sat motionless, but Lyra had already rolled the window up and continued to bicker with Liam.

"You said you'd treat me to dinner two months ago. What are you going to do about breaking that promise?"

"When did I say that?"

"Stop pretending You’ve amnesia. You said it yourself at the Japanese restaurant downstairs from your office. I recorded it."

"Are you serious?"

"Sure. I’ve to keep evidence lest you behave dishonestly."

They shot each other a glare in the rearview mirror, and then grinned almost instantly. It was a fleeting laugh that carried the kind of unspoken understanding only they shared. Staring at that rearview mirror, it suddenly hit me that the reflection there was never me. Sitting in the back, I watched him bickering with her as if I were a bystander.

For seven years, I thought Liam was clumsy in expressing himself. He was too stiff to joke, too proud to back down. But, he knew exactly what to do before Lyra. He knew how to snap back, how to laugh, how to meet her halfway. He just never did that for me.

By the time we arrived at the hotel at the foot of the snow mountain, the night fell. Liam took down two suitcases and tried to sling an arm around my shoulder.

"What's up? Not feeling well?"

I sidestepped and walked ahead, dragging my own luggage. He froze for a second, and then jogged to catch up.

In the guest room, he put away the luggage and crouched in front of me, holding my hands. He softly explained, "Lyra has been like this since her childhood. Her parents kept bringing us together and I can't embarrass them. Besides, she is pregnant but never says a single word about her baby’s father. You know she is my friend. I cannot just stand by and do nothing."

I stayed quiet, looking at the overcast sky outside the window. He kept pleading in a gentle voice, "Just give me eight more months. Once we're married, no one would come between us."

"I remember whatever you want." He tilted my chin up, keeping my sight focusing on him. "Here is the beach, the lawn, champagne-colored linens and white roses… I’m going to give you the most magnificent wedding ceremony."

It’s magnificent. It’s magnificent once again. Liam had been throwing it around for three years. He was sincere but guilty. He made preparations for the future, but he never got ready for losing me.

"Are you tired?" he asked.

"Eh." I spoke in a low voice, "I’m."

He sighed in relief and stood up, patting my shoulder, "It’s a long drive. You’ve had a tough day."

Just when he turned to leave, I stopped him, “Liam”.

He looked back.

"I’m not tired because of the drive. I…”