Chapter Nine

The Answer I Wasn't Ready For

Seeing Vince once a month had somehow become normal.

It shouldn't have been.

We were married.

Yet sometimes three or four weeks could pass before I saw my own husband. We lived separately, worked in different places, and had completely different routines. Our marriage had become something I had learned to fit into the spaces between everything else in my life.

But despite how little I saw him, I was still madly in love with him.

That was the part nobody understood.

My colleagues could see how much he had hurt me. They could see how different I had become since discovering what he had done. They could see the way I sometimes came back from seeing him confused, disappointed, or unusually quiet.

But they also saw how quickly my face changed whenever someone mentioned his name.

I could be having the worst day at work, and one sentence about Vince could make me smile.

I hated that about myself.

But I couldn't control it.

Three weeks had passed since I had last seen him when, one evening, I found myself thinking about him again.

I don't even know what made me do it.

Maybe I wanted his attention.

Maybe I wanted to know whether he still cared about me.

Maybe I wanted to test his reaction to something that would show me where I stood in his life.

So I decided to prank him.

I picked up my phone and typed:

Me: I think I'm pregnant.

I stared at the message after sending it.

I expected him to panic.

Maybe he would ask me if I was serious.

Maybe he would call me immediately.

Maybe he would ask what we were going to do.

Instead, his response came quickly.

Vince: No, no. I don't want.

I stared at those words.

I read them again.

No, no. I don't want.

My smile disappeared.

I wasn't expecting that reaction.

I typed back.

Me: So what am I supposed to do?

His answer was simple.

Vince: Go to the hospital and abort it.

I sat there staring at my phone.

The joke suddenly didn't feel funny anymore.

I had only wanted to see what he would say.

But there was no hesitation in his response.

No questions.

No excitement.

No conversation about what having a child might mean.

He had already decided.

Then another message came.

Vince: I'll talk to my uncle. He'll give you money for the abortion by the weekend.

I didn't know what to say.

I put my phone down and sat quietly for a while.

The strange thing was, I wasn't actually pregnant.

At least, I didn't think I was.

So why did his reaction bother me so much?

Maybe because somewhere deep inside me, I had wanted to hear something different.

I wanted him to say, Really?

I wanted him to ask if I was sure.

I wanted him to sound scared but happy.

I wanted him to tell me that maybe having a child with me wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Instead, he told me he didn't want children.

And somehow, hearing that from the man I had married made me feel like I had just been reminded of how little of a future he had actually imagined with me.

I tried not to think about it.

Because I had something else to look forward to.

James.

I was supposed to fly out of the province that weekend to spend time with him.

And for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely excited.

I wasn't excited because I thought James was going to become my boyfriend.

I wasn't even thinking that far ahead.

I was excited because I was going somewhere else.

Somewhere where my in-laws weren't around.

Somewhere where nobody knew me as Vince's wife.

Somewhere where I didn't have to worry about how I dressed, who saw me, what people were saying or whether someone from his family would notice me.

I just wanted to forget about my life for a little while.

Just once.

I wanted to wake up somewhere that didn't remind me of Vince.

I wanted to spend a few days without thinking about work.

Without seeing my in-laws.

Without having to pretend that everything was okay.

And maybe most importantly, I wanted to feel like myself again.

James had been looking forward to my visit too.

We had talked about what we would do during the week.

He wanted to take me out, show me places and spend time together without having to watch the clock because I had to get home.

I was excited about the trip.

I started thinking about what I was going to pack.

I went through my clothes, deciding what I wanted to wear.

For once, I didn't have to think about whether something was appropriate for my in-laws.

I could dress for myself.

I could wear what I wanted.

I could put my hair the way I liked it.

Nobody there knew me as the woman who worked for her husband's family.

I was just Amara.

And I desperately needed that.

My colleagues noticed how excited I was when I told them about my plans.

"You're actually leaving the province?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"A week."

One of them smiled.

"You need it."

"I know."

Another looked at me knowingly.

"Maybe you'll finally forget about Vince."

I laughed.

"I don't know about that."

They laughed too.

But deep down, I knew I wanted exactly that.

Just for a few days, I wanted to forget that I was married.

Forget about the woman Vince had married.

Forget about his family.

Forget about the questions that had been eating at me.

I wanted to wake up somewhere new and feel like my life belonged to me.

I didn't know that the trip would become more complicated than I expected.

I didn't know that Vince's uncle would soon give me money for something that, at that moment, I didn't even need.

And I certainly didn't know that the pregnancy I had jokingly announced to Vince would soon stop being a joke.

At the time, all I knew was that I had a flight to catch.

And for once, I was looking forward to getting away from everything.

I thought I was going away to forget about my life.

I had no idea I was about to discover something that would change it forever.