He saw Asher’s eyes move down to his lips, then back to his eyes.Cailen didn’t know what was happening anymore as he saw Asher’s adam’s apple move as if he was swallowing something.Time seemed to stop when he suddenly felt the tip of Asher’s nose against his. He didn’t even know who moved and he can’t really hear anything anymore other than the pulse in his ears.Cailen felt like he couldn't breath again, and not only because Asher might be squishing him, not that he actually minded that, but because of this feeling inside him.It took his breath away, making his stomach flutter and his heart skip and… What was he doing?This was Asher.He shouldn't be feeling this when he looks at Asher.Asher was his friend, has been since he was thirteen. He shouldn't get that kind of reaction from him.It was one thing to think he was fit when he to

"Cailen," Asher's voice came from behind him, soft and concerned.He turned around and looked up the couple inches to meet Asher's eyes. Asher's hand on his wrist tightened as if to reassure that he was in fact, there."Are you sure you want to go? I can tell them you're not feeling well," Asher offered and Cailen really wished he would stop.Something about the way Asher was looking at him, like Cailen looked about ready to break down, made him feel like he was actually about to break down.But he couldn't. Not yet.He had to stay strong and just get through the mall."I'm good, Ash. Really," Cailen said more cheerfully than he felt.Asher continued to look at him, his eyes searching his face for any doubt. Cailen wanted Asher to understand that he was fine, that he didn't need to pretend to be sick or that he didn't need Asher to coddle him and talk about what was on his mind, because he didn't want to talk about whatever was in the letter or the letter in general.He wished the let

 It went on like this for a while.Cailen would spend his nights staring at the envelope, too afraid to open it but too curious to just throw it out.He wasn't getting a lot of sleep and Asher wasn't the only one beginning to notice.Everyone was starting to comment on how tired Cailen looked and asking if he was alright, but Cailen would just brush it off, making up some excuse about not being used to his bed and they'd move on.Asher, however, wasn't buying it.He would constantly check on Cailen, asking if he needed anything or if he wanted to talk. For the most part, he was pretty subtle about it but sometimes, he would be a bit more direct and ask Cailen to open up- if not to him, then just to someone so he could get help.Asher's gone as far as begging Cailen, pleading he just wanted to help and that he hated seeing him like this and that he was beginning to worry

  There was another silence, the boys too shocked because Cailen never told anyone that. Not a soul. He's never even hinted at being that bothered by the situation and now, he just dumped it on them, so he supposed the shock was warranted. "You don't have to do any of that, Cai," Asher said, finally breaking the silence, reaching out and brushing some of Cailen's hair out of his face. "You don't even have to read the letter. It's your decision. But you had a lot of questions last night- ones that we can't answer. But this letter- It might have what you're looking for. This letter is nothing but a possible answer. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that you have to go find her, it doesn't mean that you're a mistake, because you're not," Asher said, his hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing gently before continuing. "You're not a mistake because you were meant to be here, with m- us. I

 "Do you want to talk about it?" Asher asked after his rambling died off, his voice turning into a whisper to match Cailen's."No.""Okay," Asher didn't push any further.He just held Cailen close and left him to his thoughts but Cailen wasn't so sure that was a good thing. He could feel himself slipping, slipping into a hole he wasn't sure he'd be able to drag himself out of.And the only thing he had to hold onto was Asher.Asher and his caring eyes and warm smile, his strong arms and gentle touch and it should be enough.It should be enough to keep him from slipping into the empty pit that he felt like, because Asher made him feel good.But it wasn't. It wasn't enough because Asher wasn't his to hold onto and he never would be.It was really frustrating because he needed Asher. He needed his stupid jokes and caring nature. He needed his friendship. He needed it now mo