When people say changes is risky considering you are afraid of disturbing of what you have used to be done, or what you used to see or feel, opening my eyes in a very different mood, damn, I feel happy, I feel not the one I am used to be, after that night with Amber, when we become open and I follow Vannie's advice, I just let what will happen and just see the outcome and here it is, I am smiling like idiot!Everything I have right now with Amber, I never had or felt before, this is really different, our initial time before our relationship happens is just so fast, we just go with what we think off, we never try to think first, we just had a small talk and then we are good until our relationship sucks, I never know the real Amber within, she never knew me as well within and now things is just...things seems to be in process...it isnt so fast but we talk a lot...we do arguments...I am not sure if this is for the better or not, but I like the flow...I kind of like the changes somehow."

"So, what do you think Amber would like for dinner?""Hmmm she is a good cook than I am, well, I guess whatever you cook will do""Why it seems like you act distance on her at some way...you are friends there is no need for boundaries right?""I am not acting distance Mom...I am just trying to be cool with her I mean she is my boss""Oh god, you know how much I know you sweetie, you like her... a lot...now tell me if I am wrong"And now I am stop with that thought, the word like is not the issue now, she is wearing the face and the body of the person I am in loved with but she is not her...she is way different, so I am not sure if I like her, maybe, within me I am, but I cannot go far with this, she never mention to me that we can go far either..."I like her as who she is, as friends, she is nice mom but if you are asking about the other things, I dont think she is really what she tries to show me""And how would you know that, you both not even get there, you two never talk about it

Shoulder shaking as I walk away from Amber after the surgery I did for Larry, that conversation with her surely breaks my heart right now, how can I fight for I know that I am not anymore what she prefers for, even I want to shout and I want to pulled her closer to me to tell her I am the person she loved, I am the one she supposed to choose...As I walk towards my office I lock the door and sit at the floor...hmmmm sob*sob*hmmm... I shouldnt let my self in the first place, I shouldnt expect from her...hmmmm sob*sob* hmmmm...Amber...I am here...hmmmm I am just here love...please come back to me...I am so sorry for everything...hmmmm sob*sob* hmmmm...Crying my heart out, I just cant do anything right now, I want to go home...hmmmmm I dont want here anymore...hmmmm everytime things keeps getting worst, Amber always there for me...she love me...she makes me feel that, I am the one she loves...now why? hmmmm...why do I need to go back to this pain again...I just escaped...hmmmm I just es

Opening my eyes...my head hurts...bottles of beer scattered all over my pad, damn! I don't know but all I want is to drown myself in drinking. After that moment with Esther, I know I shouldn't be feeling that. I shouldn't be like this...but...I just couldn't help myself last night. As I went home, I saw a store and directly picked up those bottles of beer.All night has been a long night for me...I guess I cried a lot last night as my eyes are so swollen right now, a lot of times I tried to call Esther at that time but I couldn't bring myself to. I just can't.Washing my face can't subside it, my eyes are still bulgy as they are, I hate the cold washing my face and putting ice to my eyes but I guess I have no choice!While doing this ice thingy, my cellphone rings and so I quickly check on it hoping it is the person I am longing to talk to, but it is not, it is Chief Gilbert."Yes?""Just woke up?""Kind of why?""Well, I hope you are doing okay now. You see, drinking alone sometimes

When we cook, we mix all the ingredients to make one recipe, we put it all together and we are sure how it will taste and that is how we do cooking. We just mix everything... In human feelings and emotions, we can't just mix everything, we can't do both, we can never do much, we tend to explode within...and that is exactly what happens to me dealing with Esther...I don't mean it, I don't intend to but...I guess I just hate her...but needs to understand her...try to support her, be a friend to her even she don't need it anymore and most is...I just fucking miss her!Pulling her inside the stock room makes it all non-sense to me at first, but kissing her put me into the reality, that I need to do something...I need to fix myself, I also need to understand my inner me...walking out of the stock room, I just can't believe that I have done it again, doing things that I didn't plan, makes me feel better, touching her again soothes me well.I was just exhaling and going to the elevator when