Food Jokes Novels & Stories

To help my sterile Alpha mate Marcus Blackwood conceive an heir, I had used many hormone injections. My belly was covered with purple bruise marks from all the needle punctures. But after our son Connor was born, he was very weak and even ran much slower than the other pups. Marcus looked at Conner coldly and snarled at me, "It's all your rotten bloodline! You've brought shame to the Blackwood pack!" Later, he held his mistress Scarlett's pup—a three-year-old pup who was strong enough to beat an eight-year-old pup—and publicly rewarded Scarlett with a new Porsche. But when my five-year-old Connor accidentally knocked over his milk, Marcus kicked him in the chest and called him worthless. He even locked my son, who was afraid of the dark, alone in the drafty woodshed at the countryside estate during winter. Every day, Connor got only one bowl of spoiled food, until he starved to death. When I found Connor, his small body was already ice-cold, still clutching the family portrait I had drawn for him in his little hands. After that, Marcus tortured me to death. When I opened my eyes again, I was back at our engagement party. Marcus publicly took Scarlett's hand in front of everyone. "I’m breaking off my engagement with Hazel Whitmore! She is just a foolish she-wolf who can only birth idiots! Scarlett is the one I love!" I realized that he was also reborn. He wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone again. But he didn't know that without my exclusive genetic healing technology, he would remain childless for this entire lifetime.

She underwent a death experience—at the hands of the family she cared for most, who then sold her off. At eight years old, Seraphina Valeza was adopted from an orphanage by the Hawthorne family, a run-down third-rate family in Lunada City. She lived for fifteen years there, always careful, thankful for a house that was not her home. She was an excellent student, kept her sufferings to herself, and obeyed them in return for their "kindness." When the Hawthorne family was on the verge of bankruptcy, they chose survival over conscience. Seraphina was forced to marry Julian Moreau, the heir of a second-rate elite family. The marriage was hell. Behind closed doors, Julian humiliated her, controlled her every move, and crushed her dignity. In public, she was paraded as a trophy wife; in private, she was nothing more than a disposable tool. Once Julian seized full control of the Hawthorne family, Seraphina lost even her last value. With no way out, she resorted to suicide. But destiny wanted otherwise and gave her another chance. She found herself in the same spot as she was on the day of her marriage. This time she did neither crying nor begging. Instead, she smiled and switched the groom. In front of stunned guests, Seraphina walked past Julian and stopped before a man sitting casually at the banquet table, dressed out of place and enjoying the food as if the wedding had nothing to do with him. Lucien Cross. The annoying guy she constantly quarreled with in college. The man who cried while carrying her dying body in her past life. The one whose love she came to realize onlqy when it was too late. This time, Seraphina will not let him go. And all those who wronged her will be punished, without exception.

I'm the heiress of the elite Graham family, and yet my life is like hell. After all, the rolls of fat keep clinging to my body. No matter how hard I try, I can never get rid of them. Even if I don't eat for the entire day, my weight still rises exponentially. When I'm on the verge of dying from organ failure, I see my parents showing up with the adopted daughter, Freya Graham, in front of my sick bed. Freya covers her nose while gazing at me with a mixture of smugness and disgust in her eyes. "Thank you so much for taking the brunt of the misfortune for me, Dakota! Otherwise, I'll be the one plagued by the fat! "Then again, you've already had it good. You've lived a lavish life for many years, after all. This lifestyle is something that you can never experience for the rest of your life!" I widen my eyes in shock. But it's because of my overwhelming emotions that I can't breathe at all. In the end, I die tragically with hatred in my eyes. It turns out I'm just the fake heiress who the Grahams have adopted. My purpose is to shoulder the misfortune that's meant for Freya this whole time! She gorges on food every day, only for all of her fat to accumulate on my body instead! When I open my eyes again, I've returned to the first day when I start putting on weight like mad. In this lifetime, since Freya doesn't want the body fat this badly, she might as well live her life as a living skeleton!

My in-laws, who have flown back to the country for the Christmas holidays, visit my home on Christmas Eve for dinner. But Selena Collins, the housekeeper, has only prepared two plates of cold shrimp ravioli despite the fact that I've specifically reminded her about my mother-in-law, Lora Fischer's allergy to shrimps. Selena just tells me in a stoic manner, "Mrs. Peterson, I know that you country bumpkins love taking advantage of everything. So, I completely understand that your parents want to mooch off a meal from the Peterson family during the holidays. "But as Mr. Peterson's most caring housekeeper, I have the right to protect the Petersons' assets from getting leeched by outsiders. Yes, this includes a regular meal. "Then again, I have a heart of gold, you see. I won't starve the elders at all. These are leftover shrimp ravioli from last year. Your parents should hurry up and leave after polishing the ravioli off. "Mr. Peterson is very busy with his work. I can't let him deal with your impoverished parents after getting home from a stressful day at work." I'm stunned at first, but I soon realize that Selena has mistaken my in-laws for my parents. She's purposefully causing me trouble as always. I'm about to explain the truth to Selena when I see my enraged in-laws turning to leave. But Selena wastes no time in calling the bodyguards over to stop them. "I completely understand that country bumpkins like you two have poor character, but wasting food is a really bad trait. "Since the shrimp ravioli is already prepared for you, please finish them all before leaving."

Charlie Wayne’s life is perfect. Or it was. As a VP who commands boardrooms and a playboy who elegantly ends every date at his door by 3 AM, Charlie’s world is built on control. But lately, his system has a glitch. A streak of bizarre, comically bad luck—flat tires at dawn, mysterious fire alarms, untimely food poisoning—keeps derailing his plans. His flawless exit strategy is in shambles. Carly Dorrington’s life is a lie. But a necessary one. After a blowout fight with her father over their family companies’ merger, Carly needs a place to stay. Where better than with her childhood best friend, Charlie? It’s just temporary. Just two best friends sharing a space. It has nothing to do with the two decades she’s spent loving him from the sidelines, or the quiet hope that maybe, just maybe, proximity will make the world’s most oblivious man finally see her. Now, under his roof, the "coincidences" multiply. Charlie’s chaotic love life grinds to a halt just as Carly’s presence becomes a permanent, comforting fixture. His sacred rules don’t seem to apply to her. His peaceful solitude feels warmer with her in it. As the lines of their friendship blur, Charlie is left to wonder: Is Carly the calm in the center of his storm… or is she the one who’s been stirring it up all along? Note: This is a slow-burn, dual-POV story about best friends, blurred lines, and the long game. If you find yourself wondering"where is this going?" in the early chapters... keep reading. Everything becomes clear in Chapter 4. The foundation is being laid for a reason. Thank you for trusting the process.

My younger fraternal twin brother finally gets a girlfriend. Our parents, who are overseas, entrust me with the task of welcoming her. I instruct the maids to prepare a feast to welcome her. As we sit around the dining table, my brother scoops a bowl of soup for me himself. After that meal, my brother's girlfriend pulls a long face at me. "Who gave you the right to eat the soup my darling scooped? How could you be so lazy? You can't even cook, yet you're not even embarrassed to stuff yourself with all that food!" I'm stunned by her outrageous words. I reply in annoyance, "What does that have to do with you anyway? I'll do as I please!" She glares at me with hatred written all over her face and yells, "Why aren't you married yet? The family's assets belong to me and my darling. Who do you think you are that you can spend our money? "Just look at you. You will never be able to get married like this. Perhaps it'll be better for you if you beg me to introduce my elder cousin to you. He doesn't mind that you're lazy. All he wants is for you to give him a son. He earns over ten thousand dollars a month!" I'm dumbstruck by her shamelessness. I storm straight to the bathroom where my brother is and bang on the door repeatedly. "Come out here right now! What is with your girlfriend? And since when have our family's assets become yours and yours alone?"

Madison Hodge, my fiancee, thinks that weighing 160 pounds makes me too fat. So, I sign up for a gym membership and work out as much as I can. But the more I exercise, the more weight I put on. Meanwhile, Daniel Webb, a good buddy of mine, livestreams his supper every night. Despite feasting on the most calorie-rich food out there, not only does he not put on any weight, but he even loses ten pounds. As Madison rips into me for not losing any weight, I suddenly find myself able to hear the thoughts of my tabby cat, Furball. His mind goes, "Why are you so silly, Master? Daniel chose you as his target for the Weight Swapping System he has! No matter how many pounds you work off, it's Daniel who loses the weight. He's trying to ruin your life!" Feeling completely stunned, I turn to Daniel, only to see that he's staring at Madison with an affectionate gaze. Once again, I hear more of Furball's thoughts. "Daniel is hopelessly in love with that awful woman. Once he slims down, the two of them will start hooking up. They'll team up to take your life and live off your life insurance payout. They'll even enjoy their intimacy during your funeral!" Now that I know the truth, I simply let out a chuckle. Since this good buddy of mine loves losing weight so much, I'm sure he'll be extremely grateful to me if I make sure he weighs no more than 100 pounds, right?

There are creatures lurking in the shadows waiting to struck fear to their preys, one of the elusive ones is the King of the shifters, Ruler of the Werewolf Realm, Alpha of the Alphas. Alpha Alexander, a man who bends for nothing and no one ...... That is until he met his mate. A woman destined to bring him to his knees. YOU CANNOT FIGHT AGAINST DESTINY. Humans have always been so oblivious to the world that they live in. They think that they are at the top of the food chain well infact they are and will always be our preys. 2 decades ago when creatures of the night emerged from the shadows and showed themselves out in a public eye. What human believed as myths were actually living with them all along. The reality is way harsher than it seems. ****** I could feel his lips against my neck as he trailed kisses, possibly leaving marks on his path. My hands were pinned by his left hand above my head while his other hand is busy roaming my body. His body was flushed against mine as my back is firmly planted against the wall. I could feel his arousal pressed against mine. His kisses were like a drug, I could feel my body responding to him. Just as I was about to let out a breathy moan I was shaken out of my reverie. Knowing that I am letting my enemy violate me was enough to make my blood boil. "Let me go! I swear to the moon goddess if I break free from your grip, I will chop off your balls and feed them to the oooomp-" I was cut off mid sentence when his lips crashed down to mine. ******

Preview:“Pin her to the ground. Dom, you keep those damn legs down.” Dante coughed as he stood up to regain himself. They wanted a weapon. They created a queen. Novalee Ashford had a simple life-a job she tolerated, a husband she adored, a future she believed in. Then Dante Santoro decided she was his. Ripped from everything she knew, Novalee is thrust into a world of violence, cruelty, and impossible choices. The Santoro family doesn't just want to own her body-they want to remake her soul. Under their brutal tutelage, she transforms from victim to weapon, from captive to bride. But Novalee has a secret: she remembers who she was. And she's planning something they never expected. Vengeance. With Atlas-the guard who was supposed to keep her caged-as her unlikely ally, Novalee plays the deadliest game of her life. Every smile hides a blade. Every submission masks rebellion. Every moment brings her closer to the reckoning they deserve. They wanted to create a monster. They succeeded. Marked, Broken and Carrying his Heir is a dark romance containing mature themes and graphic content. Reader discretion is strongly advised. ****WARNINGS**** Explicit sexual assault/rape Non-consensual sexual situations Explicit consensual sexual content Sexual degradation and humiliation Forced sexual performance Violence: Graphic murder Torture Domestic violence and abuse Blood and gore Beatings and physical assault Captivity & Control: Kidnapping and imprisonment Human trafficking elements Forced marriage Psychological manipulation and gaslighting Conditioning and breaking Loss of autonomy Trauma & Loss: Pregnancy loss Forced hysterectomy Suicide Grief and mourning PTSD symptoms Other: Forced drug administration Starvation/food control Sleep deprivation Isolation Death of spouse

“I…” He cut himself off, hesitating, before trying again. The words he pushed out of his lips, shy but sure, surprised me. “I want to fuck you for a change.” My eyes widened, stunned. What? “I want to know if you cum from a cock in your ass,” he continued softly. If he knew who I was under this mask— Slight unease settled in my chest, but I already knew I would do it. I needed money… and the thought of sex with Aaron, in this way it was offered, was… scintillating. A new guilty pleasure. — There’s a pecking order at William-Alfie High School and Jack is at the top of it. But he shouldn’t. Because that pyramid is strictly held up by money, and over the summer Jack’s parents have gone bankrupt. They’ve managed to keep it a secret, but Jack has to work at a sex club to make enough to keep up the illusion at school. When Aaron Smithy, a usual pushover, stands up to him in the cafeteria, Jack is afraid word has started to spread especially after he puts Jack in his place and he still retaliates by giving him food poisoning. Except he didn’t. Aaron’s bravado ended in the cafeteria. But Jack keeps coming at him so he has no choice but to defend himself, even as he has bigger fish to fry as he slowly falls in love with a sex worker who has refused to show his face. By the end of the school year, their relationship has morphed into a tangled web of complexity that leaves Jack alone, naked and in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. Will Aaron come to his rescue? Or will the newly-fallen shining star implode under it all?