Good Rude Comebacks Novels & Stories

During the family gathering, my fiance's mom takes out their heirloom brooch, intending to give it to the next lady of the Sullivan household. The guests all clap and offer their blessings. "Karli, you've been dating Douglas for six years. Now, you guys are finally going to settle down for real." But there isn't even a trace of a smile on Douglas Sullivan's face. He takes away the brooch calmly and pins it on his adopted sister, Isabelle Sullivan. After that, he pinches my face and says, "Belle likes it. Let her have it." When he sees the thick disappointment in my eyes, he explains in a gentle voice, "In the future, Belle will marry someone else. Everything that belongs to the Sullivan family will then become yours. It's just a brooch. There's no need to be so hung up on it." Surprised, Isabelle clutches the brooch on her chest fondly. Then, she gives Douglas a light peck on the cheek. She says, "Thank you, Dougie. You're the best to me!" A bitter smile plays on my lips as I look at the two of them behaving intimately right in front of me. It's been six years, and Douglas still hasn't made good on his promise to marry me. I've told my parents that I agree to go through with the arranged marriage and will return in three days to honor it.

Right after I am done with a meeting, I scroll through social media and come across a warning post with my company's location tagged. The title reads, "Avoid this place! Anyone who comes here is a sucker. The company is so stingy that it can't even provide decent snacks." The photos show the Starbucks drinks and five-star desserts I just asked my assistant to distribute to everyone. I frown and tag everyone in the group chat, asking for suggestions about the teatime snacks. A Gen Z intern, Alice Grimes, immediately sends a voice message, "No offense, Ms. Knox, but these mass-produced desserts are full of trans fats. Even dogs wouldn't eat them. A good company would hire Kitchelin chefs to cook on-site. Now that's called having true respect for employees." I laugh in disbelief. My company spends 50 dollars per person on daily tea time, which is considered top-tier in the industry. So, I reply, "Since it's hard to please everyone, we'll cancel teatime from now on and convert it into a cash allowance for everyone." Less than five minutes later, there is a new update in the social media post. "Guys, you won't believe this. I made a reasonable suggestion, and the petty boss just cut our teatime perk! This is how a typical capitalist behaves. They can't handle any honest feedback."

My sister always prided herself on her self-control. Even after six years of dating, she still insisted she was untouched. One day, I noticed something strange–her tongue was covered in metal piercings. That was when I realized… she had been using a different way all along. When I confronted her, she only smirked. "This way, men enjoy it more–and they become obsessed precisely because they can't have me. You wouldn't understand." However, looking at the damage already spreading through her mouth, I could not stay silent. I told her the risks–disease, even cancer–and that men obsessed with that kind of "purity" weren't good people to begin with. She did not listen. That very night, she gave herself to a powerful heir. Later, when the woman he truly loved returned, he discarded her without hesitation. She laughed it off, calling him a scumbag. However, on my birthday, she hid a knife inside a cake–and slammed it into my face. As the blade pierced through me, she burst into laughter. "If you hadn't pushed me to give it away, why would he stop valuing me? Why would he leave me? "This is all your fault. You deserve to die." When I opened my eyes again– I was back to the day I first saw the piercings on her tongue.

I had just been confirmed as a match and was preparing to donate a kidney to my husband's adoptive sister. That night, she left her iPad in the living room. The screen was still on, showing her chat with the doctor: [Doctor, please don't tell my sister-in-law. If she has a kidney removed, her hidden heart condition will flare up, and she won't live longer than three months.] The next day, I canceled the donation without a second thought. My husband flew into a rage. He called me cold-blooded and forced me to sign a divorce agreement that left me with nothing. The next day, I stood outside the hospital room and heard my sister-in-law laughing smugly. "She's so stupid. I faked one chat screenshot, and she actually believed she was sick. Now her penthouse is mine, and we can finally be together openly." My husband kissed her. "Good girl. Later, I'll find you a good kidney on the black market." Outside the door, I sneered. Of course, I knew the chat log was fake. I had come back from the future, after all. In two weeks, the zombie outbreak would begin. Those two so-called siblings who were actually lovers would not only steal my medicine, they would push me out to feed me to the zombies. This time, with only four days left before zombie hordes overran the city, I wanted to see how long a sick woman without a new kidney and a scumbag without supplies could last in that penthouse.

My son’s horrified scream echoed from downstairs at eight o’clock at night. Meanwhile, a message popped up in a group chat for the apartment building’s residents. “Silas, does your son even have a heart? He won’t even play with my girl.” I froze, recalling that the neighbor didn’t have a child. The next second, the neighbor sent a video. The footage showed a vicious Doberman lunging toward me to attack Ethan. It was bad enough that the neighbor didn’t stop the attack, but he even stood there, applauding. “Good girl. You’re amazing. You’ve got a big boy crying already. As Ethan was tackled to the floor, I shook in rage. Since the neighbor loved playing games, I’d show him a thing or two. I raced to the kitchen and grabbed the knife before charging to the scene.

The night before the annual gala, my wife promised me a big surprise. But the very next day, she publicly quintupled the marketing manager's bonus. To me, she just gave a curt nod and a half-hearted "keep up the good work". When I questioned her decision, she brushed it off casually. "You've racked up some impressive wins in court. I'll give you that, but let's be real. Without Kevin hyping you up, you'd never have hit top-tier status. Plus, what's mine is yours. Why nitpick over a bonus?" The room buzzed with anticipation of my explosion. But I held my tongue till the gala ended. The next morning, I marched into her office and slapped my resignation letter down on her desk. "Might as well tack my salary onto Kevin's. Consider it my wedding present to you." She erupted, branding me as narrow-minded and dooming me to the unemployment line. She conveniently overlooked my track record as a powerhouse attorney. For that alone, elite firms were lining up to recruit me.

The fifth time we went to the courthouse, James Ceasar and I still weren’t officially married. We had picked a good day for it, but right before it was our turn, he got a call and rushed off in a hurry. With my eyes turning red, I pointed at the screen showing the waiting numbers, trying to stop him. “We're next. It won't take more than ten minutes. We can get it done fast. Once we’re officially married, you can go and deal with whatever’s so urgent. It won’t take long.” James was the CEO of his company, so he had full control over his schedule. That was why I said it like that, not thinking it would be a big deal. However, he just glanced at the screen, handed me the ticket with our number on it, and looked annoyed. “I can marry you anytime,” he said. “But right now, I’ve got something I need to take care of. Don’t make a fuss.”

My sister, Flora Leeman, and I went on a blind date at the same time. She chose Samuel Garrett, a soldier who defended the country, while I chose Logan Zigger, a farmer. However, shortly after Flora got married, Samuel was killed in the line of duty. Meanwhile, Logan became a livestock tycoon and bought a car and a house. Flora was widowed for two years and then got caught cheating. She was kicked out by her mother-in-law. When I was giving birth, she came to visit. While I was not paying attention, she used a pair of scissors to kill me. Flora said viciously, "Why should an adopted daughter like you be living a better life than me?" When I opened my eyes again, I was back to the time of the blind date. This time, Flora insisted on marrying Logan, so I knew she had been reborn as well. I chuckled to myself. With her jumping into the Zigger family hellhole, I could marry into the Garrett family and enjoy a good life!

Although I've bought my mom the golden bracelet that she's always wanted, she still looks glum. "Honestly speaking, you really know how to take advantage of others. Previously, Henry treated us to some pancakes, but you still haven't wired him your share of the money." While I have yet to register the meaning of Mom's words, my cheeks have already flared brightly out of embarrassment. Mom continues, "Even though you've taken good care of our family, you're not as caring as Henry at all. In fact, you're no different than that of a caretaker." I feel as though someone has dumped a bucket of ice-cold water on me. My mind keeps buzzing loudly the whole time. Mom just rolls her eyes at me before picking out a gold necklace so that she can put it on Henry's neck. "Give this necklace to Henry. Think of it as your way of making it up to him." At that moment, my love for my mother finally dissipates. Hence, I give the gold bracelet to my wife, Evelyn Gilbert. Then, I call the movers to move the new furniture into my home before having my mother's targeted medication discontinued.

After returning home from a flight, I realize that my bottle of hair conditioner has run out in the bathroom. The thing is, my husband, Carlos Zappa, doesn't use hair conditioner at all. Seeing Carlos through the frosted glass, I decide to probe him for answers. "Did any guests stay over lately? Or have you started doing hair care?" Carlos flips through the documents, which are stamped with the Zappa family crest, impatiently at my questions. "Maybe a maid accidentally toppled the bottle over when she was cleaning the bathroom. Also, why are you annoying me with such minuscule matters?" When I put on the bathrobe, I feel a ticklish sensation coming from the collar. As soon as I look down, I notice a strand of dried yellow hair being entangled in the collar. The moment the steam dissipates, I see two pairs of intertwining handprints on the bathroom's glass door. I never thought that my home would grow this popular during my one-week trip away from home. I've been married to Carlos for three years, and yet this is my first time finding out that he's actually this wild in bed. So, I secretly text my father, the Don of the Carozza family. "Dad, Carlos has cheated on me. Does the bet we made three years ago still count?"