If You So Desire My Despair Novels & Stories

Connected. Surrendered to desire. ******************************************

Every card I laid down felt like a calculated strike, landing exactly where it would cripple his hand. "You… You were pretending all along?" Shawn pointed at me with a trembling finger, his voice a ragged rasp. I ignored him and drew a card. I traced the face of the card with my thumb, my smile widening. "Shawn, do you know the true meaning of despair?" I placed the card face-down on the table without flipping it over. "Despair is when you think you've finally grabbed a rope to pull yourself into heaven, only to look up and realize that it's actually a noose."

I let despair claim me, letting myself feel the bitter truth I had long tried to deny. No matter how far I go, no matter what I become, I can never have the man I loved for so long. ****tbc****

Her voice is sharp and harsh at the same time as I feel her angry eyes on me but I do not look up. “What do you expect me to say, Desiree?” I sigh out loud, making my hand ruffle my hair out of frustration. “What do you expect me to say? You know, I know, everybody knows that at this time nobody as hope on each other.” I spat without thinking and I can feel the hurt in her eyes.

I saw raw despair in her pupils—the begging of a soul that sold itself for a price I never intended to pay. “That love will never be returned, Maia. Get that through your vain head once and for all,” I hissed, leaning close so she wouldn’t miss a single syllable of my venom. “I haven’t given up on Amy. I will never give up on her. She is the only woman I desire, the only one who inhabits my thoughts when I close my eyes, and the only reason I still breathe.”

My hands were steady. “I want to be devoured without being erased.” “I miss being touched like I mattered, not like a routine.” “I think I’m starting to forget what desire feels like — not lust, but wanting to be seen.” These aren’t the words of a dangerous woman. These are the words of a silenced one. If you’ve ever written something you never thought you’d say out loud — I’m saying it now. Not to prove anything. But to take back everything. I flipped the next page.

“I still… I still …” “You still what?” I cut in, voice low, sharp, every syllable a strike. “Want my attention? Want my life? Want me to crumble under your presence? It’s too late for that, Mona. You’ve already shown who you are. You’ve already proven that I am better off without you. And I am.”

Isabella’s footsteps echoed softly as she wandered back to her room, her mind a tangled mess of emotions. The conversation with Matteo had left her shaken, the intensity of his gaze still lingering on her skin like an invisible mark. She couldn’t stop replaying his words over and over in her mind—You’re mine now. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if it was true. Had she truly become entangled in his world, or was she just another piece in his game?

“Die, you selfish bitch... you don’t deserve to live...” At last, my strength ebbed, leaving me spent and trembling. My fingers hovered uselessly over the wound, blood trickling between them, and I slumped forward, drained, my body numb and hollow. And in the same selfish way that I clung to life, a fragile whisper slipped from my lips—a name, almost a chant, rising from the depths of my despair. “Damien…”

I sank to my knees, the desert sand swirling around me as the wind howled through the desolate landscape. The weight of my responsibilities bore down upon me, the weight of my failure threatening to crush my spirit. Tears welled in my eyes, mingling with the sweat and dirt on my face. I had truly messed up. “Mara!” I yelled and I decided to stop beating myself and search for her. *** The moon hung high in the night sky, casting an eerie glow over the barren desert. Time was slipping away, and my search for mara was growing more desperate by the hour. With each passing minute, the weight of failure pressed heavily upon me.