Mengapa Air Mata Keluar Sendiri Novels & Stories

He barked. My eyes became teary without saying anything further. I turned and walked into my room. I just kept on crying. For Azelaic. For my mom, For my siblings. For myself. For not feeling good enough. For not feeling enough. For not doing what I wanted to do despite all the noise and the eye rolls and all the things I'd had to give up along the way. Hot tears streamed down my face, and I squeezed my eyelids shut in the hope my tears would stop. My choppy breathing and watery eyes remained for quite some time, and I lay in bed unmoving. Knock…knock…knock.

My eyes were tearing up…not just from stress or cold, but from emotional exhaustion. I ran a warm bath and sank into it. I cried silently, my sobs muffled by the steam. Hours passed. When I finally emerged, I wrapped myself in a towel and reached for my phone. I dialed my mother. “Hi, Mum,” I whispered weakly. “Aren’t you a darling!” she said cheerfully. “Xavier sent me some money…I went shopping!” Her heels clicked loudly through the phone. I could hear her giggling. “Mum… I’m…”

He must feel like a forgotten child on a station platform. Damn, I'm crying! No, I'm not looking for excuses, but if I am crying, I can't pick up the phone, can I? What would I look like? Panic rises in me, and I turn off my phone. It is a bit like I am sticking tape on his mouth, but my tears won't run away, and I can not control anything. Where do these tears come from?

The water running through the stream is cold but my tears are burning like a hot spring on my face. I don't know why I am even crying! Is it because of the shower? Is it because of the heavy day? Is it because of my inner guilt for eavesdropping on someone's family business? I can't say. But the feeling is so bad that at times I feel like I must strangle myself.

I roll my eyes and stare out the window. I wonder where Killian is. I wonder what he’s doing right now. I sigh, leaning my head on the window. My upper eyelid squeeze tightly on my lower eyelid. This is when a sob leaves my lips and tears start to roll down my cheeks. My eyes come open and I sigh, crying silently. I’ve held it in long enough. Everything sucks and everything is driving me crazy yet there’s no one to talk to. No one at all.

I pull my knees tight against my chest, letting my head fall against them as I sob uncontrollably. I sit there in the shower crying until the water turns cold. I stand up and turn the water off, taking a deep breath before stepping out of the shower. I glance at myself in the mirror. Red, swollen eyes. Splotchy, puffy cheeks and I don't even feel a tiny bit better.

And that's when the tears came. I don't know where it came from. I wasn't sad, exactly. I wasn't even thinking about anything in particular. But something just cracked open in my chest without warning, and before I could stop it, my eyes were burning. Then my throat was tight. Then I was actually crying, just these stupid involuntary tears sliding sideways across my face and disappearing into his shirt. I tried to stop. I pressed my lips together and willed it to go away, but it just kept coming, and then I was shaking slightly and there was nothing I could do about it.

If only I was loved the way my mother loved my money, I wouldn’t mind giving her everything. I swiped my fingers beneath my nose to clean up the nasal mucus that was running down to my lips with some piece of cloth. My eyes were heavy still, I have been crying them out for a while now. But the call was the trigger. it's already getting me off mood and so pissed, making me want to cry more and more.

The cliff triggered me somehow to see a memory of my mother. My heart races in my chest, and I can’t help the tears of elation that falls down my cheeks. By now I’ve realized that my eyes had the tendency to leak with every intense emotion that I have, and while it was humiliating when it threatened to happen in the public, now that I was in private, I could let the tears fall freely as I run the memory in my head over and over again.

“What the hell am I going to do?” My tears finally slipped free, streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away. There was no one here to see them anyway.