The Words I Wished I Said Novels & Stories

Then, without hesitation, I walked away from the home I had lived in for six years. On the plane heading abroad, I looked out at the endless sea of clouds beyond the window. I was finally on my way to living a life of my own. Goodbye, Wayne Miller.

“Years ago—” “I’m not that guy anymore.” A tear falls. I wipe it away and then recross my arms. “Sometimes.” I shake my head. What I’m about to say isn’t smart, but the sentiment has been playing in my mind on repeat. “Sometimes, I wish we could go back. Have a redo.” “What would you redo?”

Finally, I turned back and met his gaze directly. "It was my mother's dying wish." The words felt heavy the moment they left my mouth. A dying wish. Even now, saying it aloud hurt more than I wanted to admit. I lowered my eyes to my hands resting in my lap. "I wish I could have met her properly," I admitted quietly. "I wish I could have sat with her and heard these stories directly from her instead of learning everything after it was already too late. I wish she could have explained things herself. I wish she could have told me who she was and who I was."

"I wait for the guilt to override the memory, to make me wish I could erase that night entirely." "But you don't." "No." The admission hung between us, heavy and unyielding, but saying it aloud felt like shedding a physical weight. "I wish people hadn't been hurt. I wish things were different. I wish the Moon Goddess had chosen literally anyone else to carry this burden."

I feel like I’m out of breath at any moment. “Just for a second, let me tell you the words I badly wanted to say . . .”

It felt lіkе a lіfеtіmе at thіѕ рrесіѕе moment. “Baby, I wіѕh I соuld mаkе іt all bеttеr. If I wеrе rich I wоuld whіѕk уоu оut there all thе tіmе in mу оwn рrіvаtе jеt.”

[Don't speak like that] I wrote my wish on the back and looked at him while I observed that he is already looking at me. [What are you looking at?] "Is that your wish?" [What's wrong with that?] "I thought you would like something more like you want to go back home," He said and looked at the wish I wrote. I wrote that 'I wish everyone I know, the people I love living on the other side, should be healthy and happy and not worry about me.' It is the same as telling you that I won't back, isn't it?

“Please don’t say anything else…” “I’m sorry, Shantal. I wish I could’ve been made perfect for you, I wish I could’ve been all that you wanted—“

He asked, "Do you want me to come wash your back for you?" I knew I had to reply but didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him the truth, which was, yeah, I'd love that. My brain wasn't functioning correctly, so I texted, "Yeah, I wish," and hit send without thinking. That ended our texting, and all I could say was what an idiot I was. Telling him I wished he would come to wash my back made me sound desperate. The one thing I didn't want to come across as.

He stood there awkwardly, clearly struggling to find the right words. I spoke first. “You can go now. I don’t want to hear more apologies. During my time here, I’ve found myself again. I’ve rediscovered the dreams I’d abandoned, and you know me well enough to understand. If I’ve made up my mind, nothing you do can change it, especially when there’s a child involved.” This time, I turned away first. I had watched him walk away from me so many times before that this time, I wanted him to feel it.