Chasing His Muse

"I'm so sorry Collin, please don't leave me," I begged him, though I know it was not my fault that I didn't get pregnant. It had been three years now, we had been trying to have a baby since the first year we were married.

I loved him once, with all my heart. He was my high school sweetheart. We dated in high school, then we separated because we went to a different college. Then we reunited at our best friend's wedding. We dated for almost a year on and off and decided to get married. 

"You're useless wife, you can't even get pregnant. I should have left you by now. Just leave me alone! I'm so upset with you right now." He slammed the door and left me to get drunk in the next room. 

I was an only child, and both of my parents had passed away a couple of years back in a plane crash. Since then, I had been independent and on my own, until I met Collin. After our marriage, Collin moved in with me since I got the bigger house.

He told me to quit my job and prepared myself to be a full-time mom. I was happy, I was thinking of building a family with him.

Since I was settled in finance from my parents' inheritance, I agreed with him and quit my job.

I rushed to him trying to mend our marriage. "Collin please, don't be upset with me. We will try again, and again just please don't leave me."

From the first year that we failed to have a baby, I suggested to him that we both went to a doctor to get checked out and see what our options were. But he went mad at that idea, saying that it must've been me. From then on, it went downhill.

He would go home late, drank after work, and called me names. Told me that I was not a real wife, because I couldn't even get pregnant. From then, my love for him slowly diminished.

He never hit me, but his abuse was mental. He would threaten to leave me, every time I got my period by the end of the month. After my period ended he would fuck me every day, but never pleased me anymore. He would come inside me and leave me be, he would tell me to be a good wife and get pregnant. But every month I didn't. Until the third year this year.

It started one evening when I saw him having sex with another woman in our bed. I confronted him and yelled at him. But he just shrugged, saying that I won't let him leave, so he would do as he pleased.

I cried that night, my heart shattered to pieces. How could it turn to this? We were very much in love. Where did I go wrong?

This went on for months, making me depressed. Until one day I decided to end my life, and consumed all the pills in my bottle, with liquor.

I was happy and relaxed after that. Feeling myself drowning away, in my sorrows. But I woke up the next day in a hospital. Collin was by my side, he was putting his game face on. Looking sad, and caring towards me. But he was smirking at me, when the doctor and nurses, would look away from us. 

I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to die. I was such a failure, I couldn't even kill myself. I just closed my eyes, didn't even want to see his face.

 He kissed the top of my head when he saw the doctor, was coming into the room.

"Good afternoon Mr. Buford. I'm Dr. Raynes, we've talked about admitting your wife to a Psychiatric Hospital. Mrs. Buford here is in a good condition already for her transfer. I don't think, there would be any problem. If you could follow me, we can continue with the paperwork. And I can have the nurses, to help with her things." The doctor explained to Collin. 

I slumped lower to the bed, thinking that at least I didn't have to be near him, and see him parade all his women around the house, and belittle me. Maybe I could be happy there, maybe I could even get better there? No, Who was I kidding, I was too tired for this life. 

Collin was supposed to be my one and only, my true love, my happy ending. If I couldn't even manage one person, that I love deeply before. How could I even get better? I was ready for sleep time. I was already drowsy, from this flow of information today.

Whatever happened to me in the loony bin, I guess it would happen anyway. Not like I could do anything about it. Not like I wanted to do anything about it. I just didn't have the drive, like I used to. 

Having failure after failure made me what I was, despite all the people were telling me about this morning.