Departure

That night I broke apart.I don't know why but it hurts, It hurts more than anything.I felt daggers boring through my heart crushing it into pieces.

Stupid me..I have not a little idea what I'm getting myself into.

I used to tell myself ,its optional. If Allah blessed me with him its well and good.If not I will move on.

Silly me had not a bit idea that it would bleed my heart.I would be victim.

I didn't realize your feelings are most precious thing 

Your heart is most sensitive and essential thing in your body

You can't give it to anybody

No nobody deserves your true love 

Nobody deserves your pure heart 

I will never ever allow any other man to contaminate my soul and heart

My self-esteem was brutally killed.I HAYAT AHSAN, who taught other girls not to fall for anything as worthless as boys.I who tell them how much naive they are to trust them ,had fallen into trap.

How could I? Was my Imaan that weak? Was I only worthy enough to have a piece of no.How I could abandon my morals?

These questions were killing me.I lost some part of me.

I hated him for this.But I hated myself for more.I hated to fall for that trap.I hated for not stopping myself.I hated I can't get my pride back.I hated myself, because even after this,after listening those bitter words from him ,I still loved him.

I want to kill my bloody heart for it.For ruining me.For ruining what I am!!!!! My pride my respect!!!!

But I can't just remove all my memories from my brain in just a second.Its too difficult.Every place reminds me of him.

The bed on which I'm seated reminds me of the incident when he was ill,I checked his forehead for fever.He was really sick at that time ,his facial expressions worn out.He had mild chest infection and I warm water for him so that he could take steam.

I was really worried at that time.But he recovered afterwards.I still can't get his pink nose and teary eyes out of mind while I was lying on that bed.

Allah how to get out of this.Please help me.

You know what the reality about love is it never stops.

So I tried the other option, hurting.I became oblivious to my tears and let life and destiny take me to anywhere.

If you're going through hell then keep going.

I was at that point where I don't know what I want.Those I trust betrayed me.Those I love abandoned me.I lost my confidence.I started feeling that I'm not worthy enough for love.

Because those I loved always left me.

The insecurity from childhood started to reappear shaking me from insides.Making me weak.I again became that 5 year old child lost in world on whom to trust.Played by everyone.

So the weeks moved so do I.I focus on exams, tried to act normal.You know what I am a brilliant actor.

Life had taught me how to fake something, how to smile even you're broken deep down.

I told myself I'm more than this.I can endure it.I'm strong If I want to.With time my pain lessened.

*****************************

I started praying to stop my mind wandering on wrong ideas.I prayed and prayed:

"ALLAH G! please help me forget him.If I can't have him then take him away from my heart.I don't want to cry over a Non-Mehram. Don't make me such a pathetic girl.Help me move over him"

" ALLAH TA'ALAH you had put the love for him in my heart and only you could remove it from here.Only you"

By praying and making dua ,I stop myself from texting him.Finally that addiction was gone.

I thought I'm okay.However, I don't like people that anymore.Everywhere,everyone seemed faker.

But at every night I used to watch myself and ask in mirror

"What I'm lacking that he don't like me?"

"Am I that ugly that he doesn't wants me"

Why on Earth the man I wanted most and always doesn't wants me?

Does that thing makes me bad girl.

What he see in those models and girls lacking modesty ??

What is so beautiful about them?

After shedding some tears, I sleep and let everything go.

I hate myself for crying over a worthless man.But I can't control myself.

BAD the heart wants it wants.

But I'm not stupid enough to let anyone make fun of me.I said to everyone that I don't want to get engaged to him.Now if whole world tried to tie knot with him,I will never accept.

I will never go through that shame,humility and pain again.

I told firmly to everyone that there would be no discussion on this topic anymore.Everyone closed the topic and I took a calming breath from all the drama.

Same words I told my heart.Once I made fool of myself not again.

I'm not that idiot.It was a mistake that I don't want to make again.

Maybe I never forget him.But I will not let him hurt me anymore.

Maybe the scar is deep 

Everytime I will see someone laughing I'll remember him 

But it doesn't mean I will say something to him

No!!!

These are my messed up feelings .

I have enough pride to avoid those who don't want me 

I may be a lover 

But I'm not a beggar

Humans have made clear time to time by their actions that they are not worthy of your unconditional love 

Your deep love 

Your true feelings 

Your pure intentions 

Your extreme care 

This too much always hurts too much

*****************************

I got good grades in Matric and get admitted to college.My session started and I became busy in studies.I selected FSc.Pre-Medical.Life became normal.

Bhai completed his graduation.He was not interested in studies and was wasting time.I want him to continue his studies but he said he wanted a break so I don't budge him anymore.

My 1st term were nearing when Bhai told me that Amaar is moving abroad for job in two months.I thought it would be better for me.

No more his cruel face,no more I would get hurt.No more lies.No more hopes.No more confrontations

Then after a week ,he came to our house for spending his last month here.

Whoaa man.How could I move on when he would keep pleasuring  me with his presence.Stupid situation,stupid me.Stupid family who keep on inviting him.

Thank God!!! I was not that pathetic girl who was head over heels in love with him.I can control my emotions.

I really little talked to him.He was the same.Happy! enjoying life....playing with girls.He taunted me and I used to shut both my brother and him out of my room to study.

Great development!! I was able to throw comebacks at him.Because in past, only seeing him cause my brain to seize and lost to come up with anything.He used to confuse,fluster and dazzle me.

My words were gone when I glance at those eyes.But now I got enough guts to talk to him without affecting myself from his presence.I mean not competely but It was better than before

I really realized at that moment 

If emotions could build you 

They could weaken you too 

If there would have been no emotions 

I didn't have to struggle this much to communicate with him

SHUKAR ALLAH.I'm progressing.

I was ok.But worst part was I was still getting used to his presence.As the days of his leaving came closer I became worried.

Stupid heart, Stupid harmones,Stupid flings

If a person could survive without heart I would love to remove it from my body and live in peace.

Really scientists should come up with something to put there instead of that stupid naive and unrealistic ,my heart.

If my heart is such a traitor than I want to eradicate myself of this curse

Having a heart causes so much pain.

*****************************

Today was his departure.Ayesha api was here.Chacha and Chachi had returned Europe a month before him.So they were not here.Api and me packed his things.

Now here as loser and pathetic I am, ironing his black kurta shalwar and wondering when life would get better.

He always insisted me to iron his clothes by using cheesy words that I fell for.He was my cousin how much bastard idiot and jerk he was.He was still my cousin.Poor me!!

I smiled when thinking my interaction with him in summers.

!!!!!!!!!FLASHBACK!!!!!!

I was in murree.In dado's home when in Ramzan both idiots duo : My brother and Amaar burst in.

Brother having bruised knuckles and blue forearm.While Amaar having busted lips , arms and hands hiding in hoody,gave me those puppy eyes.

I raised my eyebrow asking about this



when they both started feigning laugh and stammering, my brother said:

"Hayaa its nothing.We are ok."

Very ok I guess.

I crossed my arms infront of my chest and nodded sarcastically

"Do I eat grass.Come on I know something happened.Now shoot!"

Amaar piped in shaking head : "Haya its really nothing."

Ofcourse and Meera had perfect English.

I grabbed his arm taking his hands out from his green hoodie.

"Let me see then"

When I brought out his hand I saw the large scar inside his hand.I gasped and snapped:

"Where you got this!!! let me bandage it.Bhai!!!! fetch pyodine and bandage.Hurry"

He nodded.I turn towards Amaar grabbing his hand.He released his hand from my grasp saying:

"Its not needed,I'm ok cat!!! .I'm a strong man"

I again took his hand firmly and cut him angrily:

"Shut up or I will cut your balls and shove down your throat"

No one messes with me when my doctor mode is on.I'm really serious about it.

He kept staring at me dumbfounded but didn't said anything.

Bhai came and I started cleaning his wound.When I applied solution, he grimaced and sweared in pain.

I just replied by giving him strong nod, daring him to say anything.

His eyes lit up in amusement and he smirked.

I don't know when I was near him I felt a connection with him,it was different with talking to any other male.

Beautiful men don't faze me ,I moved past them without giving them second glance.

Beauty,personality,class nothing made an impact on me 

I never even bother to observe anyone

Yet just coming in close proximity with him cause my breath to hitch and sweet tingles all over my body.

I don't know If he really felt that too.

Maybe I was stupid and delusional feeling all this for him while he was busy playing around.

Why my heart beats for this heartless guy was irritating the hell out of me.

Why I was so unfortunate.

After winding bandage, I unbuckled his hand from mine.

His large hand were my favourite thing of him.I never wanted to pull away.But he was not mine to hold on to.

That ungrateful bastard don't even thanked me.

Later on bhai told me whole accident story.

!!!!!!!!!FLASHBACK ENDED!!!!!!

I knew, I will miss him.I will miss those times when things were normal.When those stupid feelings were not involved.

After pressing ,we finished preparations.His flight was at night in 9:00 pm.He came an hour before time.

As usual chimed few jokes.Bhai was really sad.He was ready to burst out crying and empty his tear ducts.I smiled at his childish reaction.Where are his testerones.

Api made dinner, then we saw him off.He just shook my hand and gave me one last nod with smirk.

Once an ass always an ass!

I felt really bad when he left.But I hoped I forget him.I hoped I stopped loving him.I hoped I don't see him again.

I don't want to dwell on those chocolate eyes anymore that always took my breath away.

He came as fast as wind in my life turning its upside down like storm and then left.