That night I broke apart.I don't know why but it hurts, It hurts more than anything.I felt daggers boring through my heart crushing it into pieces.
Stupid me..I have not a little idea what I'm getting myself into.
I used to tell myself ,its optional. If Allah blessed me with him its well and good.If not I will move on.
Silly me had not a bit idea that it would bleed my heart.I would be victim.
I didn't realize your feelings are most precious thing Your heart is most sensitive and essential thing in your bodyYou can't give it to anybodyNo nobody deserves your true love Nobody deserves your pure heartI will never ever allow any other man to contaminate my soul and heart
My self-esteem was brutally killed.I HAYAT AHSAN, who taught other girls not to fall for anything as worthless as boys.I who tell them how much naive they are to trust them ,had fallen into trap.
How could I? Was my Imaan that weak? Was I only worthy enough to have a piece of no.How I could abandon my morals?
These questions were killing me.I lost some part of me.
I hated him for this.But I hated myself for more.I hated to fall for that trap.I hated for not stopping myself.I hated I can't get my pride back.I hated myself, because even after this,after listening those bitter words from him ,I still loved him.
I want to kill my bloody heart for it.For ruining me.For ruining what I am!!!!! My pride my respect!!!!
But I can't just remove all my memories from my brain in just a second.Its too difficult.Every place reminds me of him.
The bed on which I'm seated reminds me of the incident when he was ill,I checked his forehead for fever.He was really sick at that time ,his facial expressions worn out.He had mild chest infection and I warm water for him so that he could take steam.I was really worried at that time.But he recovered afterwards.I still can't get his pink nose and teary eyes out of mind while I was lying on that bed.Allah how to get out of this.Please help me.
You know what the reality about love is it never stops.So I tried the other option, hurting.I became oblivious to my tears and let life and destiny take me to anywhere.
If you're going through hell then keep going.
I was at that point where I don't know what I want.Those I trust betrayed me.Those I love abandoned me.I lost my confidence.I started feeling that I'm not worthy enough for love.
Because those I loved always left me.
The insecurity from childhood started to reappear shaking me from insides.Making me weak.I again became that 5 year old child lost in world on whom to trust.Played by everyone.
So the weeks moved so do I.I focus on exams, tried to act normal.You know what I am a brilliant actor.
Life had taught me how to fake something, how to smile even you're broken deep down.
I told myself I'm more than this.I can endure it.I'm strong If I want to.With time my pain lessened.
*****************************
I started praying to stop my mind wandering on wrong ideas.I prayed and prayed:
"ALLAH G! please help me forget him.If I can't have him then take him away from my heart.I don't want to cry over a Non-Mehram. Don't make me such a pathetic girl.Help me move over him"
" ALLAH TA'ALAH you had put the love for him in my heart and only you could remove it from here.Only you"
By praying and making dua ,I stop myself from texting him.Finally that addiction was gone.
I thought I'm okay.However, I don't like people that anymore.Everywhere,everyone seemed faker.
But at every night I used to watch myself and ask in mirror
"What I'm lacking that he don't like me?"
"Am I that ugly that he doesn't wants me"
Why on Earth the man I wanted most and always doesn't wants me?
Does that thing makes me bad girl.
What he see in those models and girls lacking modesty ??
What is so beautiful about them?
After shedding some tears, I sleep and let everything go.
I hate myself for crying over a worthless man.But I can't control myself.
BAD the heart wants it wants.
But I'm not stupid enough to let anyone make fun of me.I said to everyone that I don't want to get engaged to him.Now if whole world tried to tie knot with him,I will never accept.
I will never go through that shame,humility and pain again.I told firmly to everyone that there would be no discussion on this topic anymore.Everyone closed the topic and I took a calming breath from all the drama.
Same words I told my heart.Once I made fool of myself not again.
I'm not that idiot.It was a mistake that I don't want to make again.
Maybe I never forget him.But I will not let him hurt me anymore.
Maybe the scar is deep Everytime I will see someone laughing I'll remember him But it doesn't mean I will say something to himNo!!!
These are my messed up feelings .I have enough pride to avoid those who don't want me I may be a lover But I'm not a beggarHumans have made clear time to time by their actions that they are not worthy of your unconditional love Your deep love Your true feelings Your pure intentions Your extreme care This too much always hurts too much*****************************I got good grades in Matric and get admitted to college.My session started and I became busy in studies.I selected FSc.Pre-Medical.Life became normal.Bhai completed his graduation.He was not interested in studies and was wasting time.I want him to continue his studies but he said he wanted a break so I don't budge him anymore.
My 1st term were nearing when Bhai told me that Amaar is moving abroad for job in two months.I thought it would be better for me.
No more his cruel face,no more I would get hurt.No more lies.No more hopes.No more confrontations
Then after a week ,he came to our house for spending his last month here.
Whoaa man.How could I move on when he would keep pleasuring me with his presence.Stupid situation,stupid me.Stupid family who keep on inviting him.
Thank God!!! I was not that pathetic girl who was head over heels in love with him.I can control my emotions.
I really little talked to him.He was the same.Happy! enjoying life....playing with girls.He taunted me and I used to shut both my brother and him out of my room to study.
Great development!! I was able to throw comebacks at him.Because in past, only seeing him cause my brain to seize and lost to come up with anything.He used to confuse,fluster and dazzle me.
My words were gone when I glance at those eyes.But now I got enough guts to talk to him without affecting myself from his presence.I mean not competely but It was better than before
I really realized at that moment
If emotions could build you They could weaken you too If there would have been no emotions I didn't have to struggle this much to communicate with himSHUKAR ALLAH.I'm progressing.
I was ok.But worst part was I was still getting used to his presence.As the days of his leaving came closer I became worried.
Stupid heart, Stupid harmones,Stupid flings
If a person could survive without heart I would love to remove it from my body and live in peace.
Really scientists should come up with something to put there instead of that stupid naive and unrealistic ,my heart.If my heart is such a traitor than I want to eradicate myself of this curseHaving a heart causes so much pain.*****************************
Today was his departure.Ayesha api was here.Chacha and Chachi had returned Europe a month before him.So they were not here.Api and me packed his things.Now here as loser and pathetic I am, ironing his black kurta shalwar and wondering when life would get better.
He always insisted me to iron his clothes by using cheesy words that I fell for.He was my cousin how much bastard idiot and jerk he was.He was still my cousin.Poor me!!
I smiled when thinking my interaction with him in summers.
!!!!!!!!!FLASHBACK!!!!!!
I was in murree.In dado's home when in Ramzan both idiots duo : My brother and Amaar burst in.
Brother having bruised knuckles and blue forearm.While Amaar having busted lips , arms and hands hiding in hoody,gave me those puppy eyes.
I raised my eyebrow asking about this

when they both started feigning laugh and stammering, my brother said:"Hayaa its nothing.We are ok."
Very ok I guess.
I crossed my arms infront of my chest and nodded sarcastically
"Do I eat grass.Come on I know something happened.Now shoot!"
Amaar piped in shaking head : "Haya its really nothing."
Ofcourse and Meera had perfect English.
I grabbed his arm taking his hands out from his green hoodie.
"Let me see then"
When I brought out his hand I saw the large scar inside his hand.I gasped and snapped:
"Where you got this!!! let me bandage it.Bhai!!!! fetch pyodine and bandage.Hurry"He nodded.I turn towards Amaar grabbing his hand.He released his hand from my grasp saying:
"Its not needed,I'm ok cat!!! .I'm a strong man"
I again took his hand firmly and cut him angrily:
"Shut up or I will cut your balls and shove down your throat"No one messes with me when my doctor mode is on.I'm really serious about it.
He kept staring at me dumbfounded but didn't said anything.
Bhai came and I started cleaning his wound.When I applied solution, he grimaced and sweared in pain.
I just replied by giving him strong nod, daring him to say anything.
His eyes lit up in amusement and he smirked.
I don't know when I was near him I felt a connection with him,it was different with talking to any other male.Beautiful men don't faze me ,I moved past them without giving them second glance.Beauty,personality,class nothing made an impact on me I never even bother to observe anyoneYet just coming in close proximity with him cause my breath to hitch and sweet tingles all over my body.I don't know If he really felt that too.Maybe I was stupid and delusional feeling all this for him while he was busy playing around.Why my heart beats for this heartless guy was irritating the hell out of me.
Why I was so unfortunate.After winding bandage, I unbuckled his hand from mine.
His large hand were my favourite thing of him.I never wanted to pull away.But he was not mine to hold on to.That ungrateful bastard don't even thanked me.
Later on bhai told me whole accident story.
!!!!!!!!!FLASHBACK ENDED!!!!!!
I knew, I will miss him.I will miss those times when things were normal.When those stupid feelings were not involved.
After pressing ,we finished preparations.His flight was at night in 9:00 pm.He came an hour before time.
As usual chimed few jokes.Bhai was really sad.He was ready to burst out crying and empty his tear ducts.I smiled at his childish reaction.Where are his testerones.
Api made dinner, then we saw him off.He just shook my hand and gave me one last nod with smirk.
Once an ass always an ass!
I felt really bad when he left.But I hoped I forget him.I hoped I stopped loving him.I hoped I don't see him again.
I don't want to dwell on those chocolate eyes anymore that always took my breath away.
He came as fast as wind in my life turning its upside down like storm and then left.
I was running while Azaan was chasing me .My laughs could be heard over my increasing heartbeat.I could feel him approaching from behind.I just look behind and then ran faster but unfortunately my running spree stopped at door.I ceased and turn around my breaths were short due to this much running.I just looked towards him with a little fear and excitement .He just stopped a metre away from me and I was facing him.His hair dishevelled ,breaths ragged due to exertion.He just moved closer,calming his breath and said smirkingGot you .Then he took my hand and said:Before you act like a child again I need to talk to you.I just let him take me towards the room.My hands still in his warm large ones.I'm still not used to this holding hands thing.It feels so intimate and yet I love how my small hand fit perfectly into his large muscular one.After we were settled down at the bed facing each other he looked at me, his hands fiddling with the bedsheet ,a
It seemed like time stood still at the momentAmaar left and I didn't bother to acknowledge his departure. I was just looking at the person who was my partner. The partner in the journey of my life.I was looking into the eyes of a person infront of whom my soul was left bare. All the barriers I had built for so many yearsThey were gone nowThose three simple wordsThey were not words to me that were my whole existenceI was giving a part of meWelcoming someone into my life was like giving everything to himMy sorrows , my happiness , my responsibilities , my timeEverythingI would turn softAnything that has the ability to hurt him will hurt me tooThere is a chance of pain due to himThere would be a weakness and strength both So these three words were the most painful , meaningful and core-shaking words for me They were not
I lightly slapped his cheeks , patting his head I removed his brown locks that were falling on his forehead.when I shouted again his name,slapping his cheeks with more pressure this timehe grunted in response. Oh Allah he's going to explode like hot lava If he's body keeps on burning like that. I immediately removed his jacket , socks and undid some buttons of his shirt to cool him down.Then I rushed towards washroom taking some gauzes with me along with a cup of water.I put the wet gauze on his forehead,applying slight pressure.After doing this procedure few times his eyes fluttered open.I can't even describe the happiness I felt when his lazy gaze met mine. Are you okay? I asked smoothly in low tone but my throat was heavy, it came with emotions. Hayaa.... I'm okHe almost whispered in lazy tone , but seeing my anxious eyes he immediately put up a facade . This little fever couldn't do a thing to me. First
At morning after breakfast I was at the door to see off my brother.Azaan had already left.I hugged him,taking him all in as we meet after so long time.He looked at me putting his hands on mine"Hayaat you could always come home If there is a problem.I'll be always there for you"I know he will understand,he was not so dumb.He knew everything just by seeing me." I learned to fight my battles myself brother a long time ago.Have faith in me "He smiled at me "Allah Hafiz my lil sis"Allah Hafiz I waved back watching his retreating back.***********************Next days were passing like a blur movie on screen that I barely had time for myself.Then I was shifted in neurology department and there was a little bit relaxament there as compared to lifesucking surgery department.I make breakfast for Azaan and he used to leave before I'm ready while at night I left his dinner at table and go for a sleep because I can't stand more like zombie.We barely talk an
Oh my God why he is making it difficult invading my personal space like that.My heart was again dancing in my chest ready to explode.I looked down and try to move out of his hold."What was that Haya"I was really aware of what he was asking.I blushed more at him." I don't know what you are talking about?" I try to play dumb."Look at me Haya while I'm talking to you"He put a hand under my chin closing the gap between us.His usual smell of sandalwood and citrous immediately filled my senses and when I met his gold eyes they were burning a hole through me.His gaze always burn a fire in my heart.Oh Allah I will surely die with this close proximityYou didn't die earlier.My subconsious retorted referring to my earlier bravery."Tell me or I can remind you what I'm talking about." He said smugly and I looked at him alarmingly.Don't do that.Oh Allah ."Not so brave are we now.Where is your confidence princess that was earlier the
Next morning I woke up late.I tossed all night on my bed thinking.I touched my lips still shivering from the memory.Why would he do that? He don't even like me.I danced with a non-Mehram.Allah g what have I done.Last night I prayed Nawafil Toba along with Namaz Isha and kept begging Allah to forgive my sins.I'm still too weak and my Imaan still quivers like a fragile feather moved by wind.But Allah says he forgives who repents and beg mercy for his sins as He isAr-Rahman (All Merciful)Today is sunday so I can lay down more.After mustering up courage,I try to act normally like nothing had happened I move towards kitchen and started making breakfast.I was beating the eggs for omelette when I heard footsteps nearing myself,I turn around and was approaching the spices when felt the presence,seizing my all movement.I gazed upwards and tried to give a smile.Good MorningI tried to act normal.He just smiled at me.His eyes